Lessons Learned

I try to make it my business to treat every life experience as a Life Lesson. Whether it is good or bad, happy or sad, I aim to make sure I learn the lesson from the experience. This is especially true of relationships… both friendly and mate-related.

I'm happy to be able to say that though I may not have realized it at the time; I have learned something from every relationship I have been in. Whether it was something about me, men, or love in general, I take the lesson and apply it to my life in whatever capacity it is needed. I like to think it has made me a better person.

I won't bore you with tales of ALL of my "love gone wrong" experiences but there are a few that stand out. Generally, these are the ones that lasted longer than a minute. 

I thought about changing the names to protect the not-so-innocent but then said whatever. This is my blog, my thoughts, my life. They were a part of it and not a secret part so... *shrug*. 

In no particular order, the lessons I've learned through my attempt to find everlasting love:

Brandon and I had more of a pseudo relationship. We were never really together though we kind of acted like it over the course of a few years. Mainly when were between other relationships. From Brandon, I learned that everything can line up perfectly and things still are not meant to be. We were MADE for each other... but we weren't. No matter how much we wanted it to work, it never did. We too are still friends. 

Terrence was the first guy I ever thought I loved. I mean he was my FIRST. And unfortunately I was blinded by that love. Now don't get me wrong, that blindness was self-inflicted. He was always honest... his brand of honest anyway. We attempted relationships over the years when we both in-between others. It never lasted long.  From Terrence, I learned that Actions Speak Louder Than Words. Terrence could be a politician, his tongue is that smooth. He says all the right things but when it comes time for action, there is nothing there. We don't talk anymore, but I would say we are cordial when in each other's presence. 

James and I got together kinda by a fluke. A friend was interested in him but he was interested in me. Spending time with them trying to get them together actually just made us feel each other more (terrible I know). James came with Momma issues, Baby Mother Issues, and lazy man issues. From James, I learned that putting your all into making someone else's life easy as possible is only good if they are doing the same for you. 

Twain was my longest relationship to date. We started off as friends and that eventually led to more. We lasted 2 years. Because we started off rough due to some slight wrongness on my part, I did everything thing I could to make him happy. That included changing me. From Twain, I learned the worst thing you could ever do in a relationship is lose yourself. I gave up every part of who I was to make him happy yet I was miserable. It ended badly but I still have love for him. We're friends now.

Now I don't want you to think that I am bashing these men, because that is not what I am doing. They are generally good guys… they just weren't good for me. Or rather, we weren't good for each other after a while. I don't regret any of the time spent with any of them. If it wasn't good while it lasted, it had its good moments, and for that I will always be appreciative. 

Every life experience is a lesson. Sometimes it’s a hard lesson. Sometimes it’s an easy one. Sometimes it’s a lesson in heartbreak. Sometimes it’s a lesson in how love truly triumphs. You never know until you go through it. 

I know people that are out here avoiding relationships because they don't want to risk getting hurt. What they may not realize is there is a lesson in that as well... one of fear. You can't live your best life being fearful of what might happen. You have to take a chance. If it works out, cool. If it doesn't, look for the lesson. That way you'll know what to do the next time you are in that situation. 

I've learned a lot about love over the past 10 years. But I've learned even more about myself. I LOVE love. I love the experiences love can bring. I've learned that love comes in different forms and is different for everybody. Love heals. Love hurts. But it is something that we all need to survive. 

It is as vital to us as breathing. 

Control Freak

A few years ago, this guy I was involved with informed me that things would never work out between us because I was a control freak. That I thought everything always had to go my way. I felt like that couldn't possibly be true. I mean, I was the most easy going, accommodating chick I knew. It always was about the other person for me.. 

I of course, shrugged off his remark like the excuse I felt like it was and went on about my business. I didn't feel like I was trying to control our relationship. But, I did try to regulate how I let him treat me. I demanded respect and consideration. He was not going to just treat me any kind of way. 

The strange thing was, in the weeks/months that followed that conversation, I had 3 other men(none of which I was intimately involved), tell me very similar remarks.  This really got me to thinking... Was I a Control Freak? Did things always have to go my way? Nahhhhh... Couldn't possibly be true..Right? I really believed the guys were just misjudging me. I was a Strong woman. A woman of standard. They just didn't know how to handle me. Yep. That's what it was. (Or at least what I told myself)

That was until me and the Bestie were out to dinner and catching up on each others' lives. I was relaying it all to her and after I finished I looked to her for the expectant "Girl naw. He/they trippin". Instead I got, "You know.. I could see why he would say that". 

MY JAW DROPPED.

I looked at her in complete disbelief. How could she possibly say such a thing?!?! She was supposed to be my friend.. MY BEST FRIEND! As I was inwardly rethinking our whole friendship, some part of my brain started paying attention to the reasons she was giving behind her saying it. They included: 1) The whole time I was talking, everything began with "I". I want, I think, I need.. It was all about me. 2) I was using control as a way to keep myself from being vulnerable. So I wouldn't get hurt. 3) Contrary to what I thought, my way was not necessarily always the best way (Yeah right), and I needed to learn that just because things weren't the way I wanted them, didn't make them wrong. 

Part of me was still rethinking our friendship (I kid), but I had to admit she made a lot of sense. I really didn't like that mirror she was holding up but hey, what are best friends for if not to hold up mirrors that show your true reflection?

I left that dinner with a new-found sense of self. Realized I needed a little more "take" in my give and take. That having standards was good, and even needed, but you also have to have compromise. It can't be, "You do all these things for me. And if you do them to my liking and approval, I'll do these things for you.". That's not how relationships work. 

Because the reality is, in relationships, we all need different things. What makes perfect sense to you doesn't necessarily make any sense to another. That's why compromise is such a big part of successful relationships. You have to be willing to work together for the good of the relationship. When you decide to share your life with someone, it ceases being about "self'" and moves to "we". 

Of course, me and that guy didn't work out and it had NOTHING to do with my control issues(really it didn't, he was a selfish a**hole), but I do have him to thank for helping to open my eyes so that I can be a better me... and a better half of "we" (whenever that happens).

Spend Time.. Not Money

I just don't understand why people feel like they don't have to spend quality time with their kids. Talk to them, play with them, teach them!!I mean there are too many people that feel like just cause your kid rocking the new J's, you are a good parent. I'm not saying dressing your kids nice is wrong necessarily but you have to teach them to not get hung up on material things. Because that doesn't determine the kind of person that they are. But what have you put INTO them though? Are you teaching them any morals and values? Or do you think it's cute that your 2 yr old knows all the words to the hottest song? But doesn't know her ABC's or how to count. Are you reading to them or sitting them in front of the TV all day? Are you teaching your daughters to respect themselves?  That she doesn't have to degrade herself or act like she's dumb for attention. Are you teaching your sons to respect women? That he shouldn't want to be the guy who has been with 100 different woman. Are you teaching them that education is important?  I have seen with my own eyes. Your child has on the best clothes, has the latest game, phone, Ipod, but they're acting up school, being disrespectful or worse not learning anything. 
You have to speak LIFE into your children. You have to show them LOVE everyday. Tell them they are great EVERYDAY! Not "You gone be just like your no good daddy" or "You so stupid, dumb, lazy, etc". I get so tired of hearing that. THERE IS POWER IN WORDS!! THERE IS POWER IN WORDS!! THERE IS POWER IN WORDS!! You should always want your children to be the BEST they cant be. You should always want your children to be BETTER than you. You have to teach them that there is nothing they can not achieve with hard work and determination. YOU are supposed to be their role model. Not Lil Wayne, Beyonce', Kim Kardashian, or LeBron James. Your children are supposed to say, "I want to be just like my Mom when I grow up" or "My Dad is the Greatest Man I know". People We Need To Step It Up.

Visit, But Don't Stay

    A while back, I was having a conversation with a friend and we were discussing breakups and heartbreak. He stated that when a relationships is over, there is no need to dwell in hurt feelings. To just get over it and move on. I initially disagreed. I think that when you are hurt or feeling some kind of way about someone, that it is okay to "be in those feelings". Healthy, even. Most times you feel the way you feel for a reason. I think that it is necessary to examine those feelings.
    After further discussion, I begin to see his side a little better. When a relationship is over, it's over. Sometimes dwelling in the "whys & why not" are counterproductive. It may lead you to start to question whether you made the right decision. That can drive you crazy. 
    I know. I did that very thing the FIRST time I broke up with my ex. He was still calling and talking about how sorry he was that he'd hurt me. I was lonely and missing him and crying everyday, so I figured that meant we needed to get back together. Right? We did and 4 months later he disappointed me a second time. The thing is I KNEW that giving him another chance was a HUGE mistake.  But I decided to ignore the truth and take a chance on a lie. Get your heart broke 2 times in the course of 6 months and it teaches you a lesson. A hard one, but a lesson, nonetheless. We have to stop second guessing ourselves. GOD gave us intuition for a reason. It's rarely wrong. 
    Though people make rash decisions all the time, most times the decision to end a relationship is one that has been in the works for a while.
It's over for a reason. Let It Be.

Shut Up!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7C9MpYs0T8


I was recently involved in a Male/Female P.O.V.(point of view) conversation and other than the subject matter, there was one other thing that stood out to me... The other women involved would not SHUT UP!! I find it hard to believe you can hear what someone else is saying if you are continuously running your mouth.
I love engaging in debates with men because I like hearing their P.O.V. Plus, one of the best ways to learn about men is to listen to them talk. Of course, the action word in that statement is LISTEN!!
Far too often, I've heard women complain about the fact that men don't listen to them or are unable to communicate well. My question, Are You Listening? Or, are you so intent on proving your point or saying your piece that you are constantly over talking your partner? No one is should have to yell over you or fight to be able to share their thought.
 It's already a general belief that men don't like to talk. But, I can't help but wonder if that's because they can't get a word in edgewise...
The lesson here...
You can't hear if you're are always talking so, SHUT UP!!! 

Take A Chance on Love

 I recently had a friend that I’ve known since I was a little girl inform me that he has always liked me but was scared to tell me. My response to him was “Why now?” He said he didn’t know why he never said anything before but the point was he was telling me now. Okay. I can get behind that. I mean better late than never right?

But this whole thing got me to thinking… this is not the first time I’ve had a “friend” tell me they had more than “friendly” feelings toward me. They’ve all had pretty much the same excuse as to why they’ve never said anything. It almost always boils down to they didn’t know how I would take it.

Each time though I was genuinely surprised to find out they had deep feelings for me, I was also upset at the missed opportunity and time lost. The reality is the best kind of relationship you can have is one that starts as a friendship. Is it risky…maybe. Is it worth it…definitely. I know that there is always the slight chance that if your friend isn’t open to being more, it may affect the friendship. As well if the two of you do take the chance and things don’t work out. But there is an even bigger chance that considering the two of you are friends and know so much about each other already, that you will be able to fully accept each other as you are. That acceptance could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

Love is full of risks. But so is life. You can live a life always playing by the rules or take a chance and possibly go on the most fulfilling and eventful ride of your life. Your choice.