A few years ago, this guy I was involved with informed me that things would never work out between us because I was a control freak. That I thought everything always had to go my way. I felt like that couldn't possibly be true. I mean, I was the most easy going, accommodating chick I knew. It always was about the other person for me..
I of course, shrugged off his remark like the excuse I felt like it was and went on about my business. I didn't feel like I was trying to control our relationship. But, I did try to regulate how I let him treat me. I demanded respect and consideration. He was not going to just treat me any kind of way.
The strange thing was, in the weeks/months that followed that conversation, I had 3 other men(none of which I was intimately involved), tell me very similar remarks. This really got me to thinking... Was I a Control Freak? Did things always have to go my way? Nahhhhh... Couldn't possibly be true..Right? I really believed the guys were just misjudging me. I was a Strong woman. A woman of standard. They just didn't know how to handle me. Yep. That's what it was. (Or at least what I told myself)
That was until me and the Bestie were out to dinner and catching up on each others' lives. I was relaying it all to her and after I finished I looked to her for the expectant "Girl naw. He/they trippin". Instead I got, "You know.. I could see why he would say that".
MY JAW DROPPED.
I looked at her in complete disbelief. How could she possibly say such a thing?!?! She was supposed to be my friend.. MY BEST FRIEND! As I was inwardly rethinking our whole friendship, some part of my brain started paying attention to the reasons she was giving behind her saying it. They included: 1) The whole time I was talking, everything began with "I". I want, I think, I need.. It was all about me. 2) I was using control as a way to keep myself from being vulnerable. So I wouldn't get hurt. 3) Contrary to what I thought, my way was not necessarily always the best way (Yeah right), and I needed to learn that just because things weren't the way I wanted them, didn't make them wrong.
Part of me was still rethinking our friendship (I kid), but I had to admit she made a lot of sense. I really didn't like that mirror she was holding up but hey, what are best friends for if not to hold up mirrors that show your true reflection?
I left that dinner with a new-found sense of self. Realized I needed a little more "take" in my give and take. That having standards was good, and even needed, but you also have to have compromise. It can't be, "You do all these things for me. And if you do them to my liking and approval, I'll do these things for you.". That's not how relationships work.
Because the reality is, in relationships, we all need different things. What makes perfect sense to you doesn't necessarily make any sense to another. That's why compromise is such a big part of successful relationships. You have to be willing to work together for the good of the relationship. When you decide to share your life with someone, it ceases being about "self'" and moves to "we".
Of course, me and that guy didn't work out and it had NOTHING to do with my control issues(really it didn't, he was a selfish a**hole), but I do have him to thank for helping to open my eyes so that I can be a better me... and a better half of "we" (whenever that happens).
