Thursday, December 31, 2015
It's Like Candii: What 2015 Taught Me
It's Like Candii: What 2015 Taught Me: Okay, so apparently a whole 365 days has passed. I find it so hard to believe because I swear it seems the beginning of 2015 was JUST yester...
What 2015 Taught Me
Okay, so apparently a whole 365 days has passed. I find it so hard to believe because I swear it seems the beginning of 2015 was JUST yesterday. But alas, it's time for a new year. A new beginning. But before we get there, let's talk about the lessons of 2015.
1. Make YOU a priority.
Listen, I LIVE for taking care of others. It's ingrained in my DNA. I find immense satisfaction and pleasure in knowing those around me that I love are okay. And if I can aid in making that "okay" happen, all the better. But I realized more this year more so than ever, that doing for others is all fine, well, and good, but you HAVE to take care of you. When you become the person that gives and gives and gives, eventually you will deplete yourself. And unfortunately, people all too often are more than willing to take everything you have to offer and have no mind to give it back in return. So you have to take care of you. Don't over extend yourself for anyone that isn't willing to do the same for you. And please know it is more than okay to say, NO! Hurt feelings, ideas of entitlement, and "but you always do", be damned. YOU are what matters the most.
2. Love people while they live.
Now we all know no one is going to live forever. We are all born to die. Just ideally, on the better side of the other side. But sadly, far too often, we are losing people, sometimes unexpectedly, and then we want think about how much they mean to us. NO. Love them while they are here. The people in your life should have no doubt about what they mean to you. It should be shown in your actions, thoughts, and words on a daily basis. Tell people you love them. Even better, SHOW THEM. There's an old song(I think it's a song), that says, "Give me my flowers while I live". Meaning show your appreciation while I can see and revel in it. Don't wait until people are gone to then think about what they mean to you because by then, it's too late. 2015 has unfortunately been a year of loss for many. RIP Aunt J, Mrs. Sandra, and Mr. Smith. We miss you.
3.Appreciate the blessing in the unexpected.
February 9, 2015 is when I found out I was pregnant. It wasn't planned. It wasn't wanted right then. And I still wake up daily thinking it was all a dream. My baby, Elijah Shane, is now 14 weeks old, and though it hasn't been the easiest experience, I honestly wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. I thought I was ready for a baby. Having him greatly challenged that thought. Not because he's difficult but because I was wholly unprepared for what all being a mother entails. But with help from my Mother and those around me that love me, I am making it work. I thank God for trusting me with one of his children. I pray for HIS continued guidance as to not mess it up.
Life has truly been a trial this year (but isn't it every year?), but as per my norm, I thank God for it. What's the point in living a life you don't learn from? I just hope and pray that the next 365 days are filled with light, lessons, and love.
Be Blessed.
1. Make YOU a priority.
Listen, I LIVE for taking care of others. It's ingrained in my DNA. I find immense satisfaction and pleasure in knowing those around me that I love are okay. And if I can aid in making that "okay" happen, all the better. But I realized more this year more so than ever, that doing for others is all fine, well, and good, but you HAVE to take care of you. When you become the person that gives and gives and gives, eventually you will deplete yourself. And unfortunately, people all too often are more than willing to take everything you have to offer and have no mind to give it back in return. So you have to take care of you. Don't over extend yourself for anyone that isn't willing to do the same for you. And please know it is more than okay to say, NO! Hurt feelings, ideas of entitlement, and "but you always do", be damned. YOU are what matters the most.
2. Love people while they live.
Now we all know no one is going to live forever. We are all born to die. Just ideally, on the better side of the other side. But sadly, far too often, we are losing people, sometimes unexpectedly, and then we want think about how much they mean to us. NO. Love them while they are here. The people in your life should have no doubt about what they mean to you. It should be shown in your actions, thoughts, and words on a daily basis. Tell people you love them. Even better, SHOW THEM. There's an old song(I think it's a song), that says, "Give me my flowers while I live". Meaning show your appreciation while I can see and revel in it. Don't wait until people are gone to then think about what they mean to you because by then, it's too late. 2015 has unfortunately been a year of loss for many. RIP Aunt J, Mrs. Sandra, and Mr. Smith. We miss you.
3.Appreciate the blessing in the unexpected.
February 9, 2015 is when I found out I was pregnant. It wasn't planned. It wasn't wanted right then. And I still wake up daily thinking it was all a dream. My baby, Elijah Shane, is now 14 weeks old, and though it hasn't been the easiest experience, I honestly wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. I thought I was ready for a baby. Having him greatly challenged that thought. Not because he's difficult but because I was wholly unprepared for what all being a mother entails. But with help from my Mother and those around me that love me, I am making it work. I thank God for trusting me with one of his children. I pray for HIS continued guidance as to not mess it up.
Life has truly been a trial this year (but isn't it every year?), but as per my norm, I thank God for it. What's the point in living a life you don't learn from? I just hope and pray that the next 365 days are filled with light, lessons, and love.
Be Blessed.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Over It...
It's official....
I am completely over being pregnant.
Now... Don't get me wrong... I recognize and acknowledge the miracle that pregnancy is.. I know there are those that relish in the experience. And those that would give anything to be able to have the experience. I take nothing away from them.
But for me... I'm over it.
I'm over the exhaustion.
I'm over the limitations on my body.
I'm over not being able to walk up a flight of stairs, take a shower, or get dressed without getting out of breath.
I'm over the appetite issues... Cravings and restrictions.
I'm over an the "advice".
I'm over all the predictions and restrictions already being placed on my unborn son.
I'm over not being able get comfortable enough to get a decent night's sleep.
I'm over being hot all the time.
I'm thankful for the blessing that is my son. But I'm completely over the process of getting him here.
I am completely over being pregnant.
Now... Don't get me wrong... I recognize and acknowledge the miracle that pregnancy is.. I know there are those that relish in the experience. And those that would give anything to be able to have the experience. I take nothing away from them.
But for me... I'm over it.
I'm over the exhaustion.
I'm over the limitations on my body.
I'm over not being able to walk up a flight of stairs, take a shower, or get dressed without getting out of breath.
I'm over the appetite issues... Cravings and restrictions.
I'm over an the "advice".
I'm over all the predictions and restrictions already being placed on my unborn son.
I'm over not being able get comfortable enough to get a decent night's sleep.
I'm over being hot all the time.
I'm thankful for the blessing that is my son. But I'm completely over the process of getting him here.
Monday, August 3, 2015
Confession
My brother asked me the other day is I had been putting headphones on my belly so that the baby could hear music? I just kinda shrugged and was like, not directly.
The truth of the matter is I haven't been doing any off the things I thought I would when I became pregnant. And it's not because I don't want to, its because I'm scared to.
What am I scared of, you ask? I'm scared to get close to and connect with my child because I have a palpable fear that I may not get to raise him. Now I know there are risks in all pregnancies but that's not really where my concern comes from..
I honestly, more than anything feel like it's a lack of Faith. My best friend died two years ago less than a month before her baby was to be born. She had had no complications. And had even been to the doctor the week before and everything was fine. Almost overnight, she developed gestational diabetes. And it was so extreme and not treated quickly enough, so both her and the baby died.
I know... It happens. We are not in control. God is. And when He calls you, it's time. Thing is, Shani was one of the best people in this world. She loved with no abandon and was truly a blessing to everyone that knew her. And more than anything, she wanted to be a mother. She went through a lot trying to become a mother. So when it finally happened, we were all ecstatic.
She wanted it. She planned for it. She went through hell to get it. And she died because of it. That is a pain I don't think will ever go away.
So why, when someone that wanted something so bad and DESERVED IT didn't get to experience it, should I? Why should I get my happy when she didn't?
I didn't plan this baby. Especially considering the environment I'm currently in.. My ideal has always been to be in love and married (or at least committed) and settled before any kids came about. And that certainly is not my current life.
I'm terrified of making a connection with my child and then losing him. It makes me hesitant to talk to him, to think of a future with him. Hell, I'm almost 8 months pregnant and still undecided on a name. I haven't bought one thing either.
And that's the other thing.. Shani and I always talked about raising our children together. We shopped for baby/kid stuff when the thought of having a kid was a distant thought. We talked about names, and parenting practices and how if anything ever happened to one of us, the other would raise our kid.
A more than ten year friendship where we shared everything and I don't get to share this with her. Its impossible for me to go in a store and pick up something baby related and not be sad I can't ask her opinion on it. It's been Hell not being able to call her and share the pains and gains of my pregnancy like she did with me.
Every milestone of my life since I was 17, she has been a part of. I don't know how to do this without her. And there is such a big part of me that feels like I don't deserve it.
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