Sunday, July 31, 2016
It's Like Candii: I Want My Happily Ever After
It's Like Candii: I Want My Happily Ever After: Every since I was a young girl and first fell in love with reading, my go to has always been a the love story. When I discovered Harlequin R...
I Want My Happily Ever After
Every since I was a young girl and first fell in love with reading, my go to has always been a the love story. When I discovered Harlequin Romance novels I was in heaven. My life was definitely not a fairy tale and reading always allowed me to disappear into a much sweeter world.
I will admit that reading those books also shaped my belief in how love, marriages, and relationships work. Or so I thought. I honestly believed in a world where people purposed to be together, were faithful to one another, and where love(and marriage) always wins in the end. Yeah, I was terribly naive.
I didn't know many people that were actually married when I was young. Just folks that had been together for a long time. Other than my grandparents, and Aunt Vern and Uncle Ed(they are divorced now by the way), everyone else was just.. together.
Then when I got older I started meeting couples who were madly in love and married... and Happy. I was ecstatic. It was my fairy tale dreams come to life. I watched and learned and couldn't wait until that became my world. Then the roof caved in..
Many years ago it seemed an epidemic trend where many of those wonderful couples I had watched and couldn't wait to emulate, started falling apart. I started to learn of infidelity, and people putting on grand fronts, abuse, and eventually divorce. I couldn't believe it. Where was my "happily ever after, good and bad, until death due us part" love???
Death suddenly had a different meaning.
And I'm not ashamed to admit that in my naivete it was very shocking.. sometimes painful, as I had become quite close to some. Everything I had believed suddenly became lies. I didn't know how to deal. And because some of those separations were quite ugly, and in some cases I was directly impacted, it really killed my belief in "happily eveer after". I mean, if these great people couldn't do it, what chance did I have? And I also had a plethora of married men in my face. None of which had any shame about being married. I'll admit, I got caught up a time or two. Unknowingly became the other woman. Yeah, those "You been with my husband?" conversations were fun. Smh.
The "relationships" I was in during and following this period did nothing to rekindle that flame for true love that had been blown out. I just started to believe maybe it wasn't for me. I accepted that as my fate. I would find someone I could moderately tolerate with no real expectations and that would be it. At least I wouldn't be alone. There would be times I would be watching a romantic movie or reading a book or even listening to a love some and I would think, "I want that. I deserve that". All the while not really believing it to be my fate. I mean, that was make believe, remember.
I don't know if it was the birth of my son(which is a love like nothing I've ever known), or the sudden influx of babies and engagements and weddings of those around me, but I've noticed recently that that hard shell around my heart has been cracking and chipping away. And I realize that I still want the love that I deserve. I want to be somebody's wife. I want to call someone my husband. I want my son to grow up in a home where love is freely and abunantly shown and where he is given a great example of the man he is supposed to be to the woman he loves. I want him to grow up knowing love is a real tangible thing and achiveable by anyone willing to put the work in. I want marriage, not living together, not boyfriend/girlfriend, not "we together" to be his goal.
I want to wake up every morning in the arms of the man that absoultely can't imagine his life without me and he shows it, EVERY DAY. I want an all encompassing, "Always and Forever", until the end of time love.
I want my fairy tale. I want my Happily Ever After.
I will admit that reading those books also shaped my belief in how love, marriages, and relationships work. Or so I thought. I honestly believed in a world where people purposed to be together, were faithful to one another, and where love(and marriage) always wins in the end. Yeah, I was terribly naive.
I didn't know many people that were actually married when I was young. Just folks that had been together for a long time. Other than my grandparents, and Aunt Vern and Uncle Ed(they are divorced now by the way), everyone else was just.. together.
Then when I got older I started meeting couples who were madly in love and married... and Happy. I was ecstatic. It was my fairy tale dreams come to life. I watched and learned and couldn't wait until that became my world. Then the roof caved in..
Many years ago it seemed an epidemic trend where many of those wonderful couples I had watched and couldn't wait to emulate, started falling apart. I started to learn of infidelity, and people putting on grand fronts, abuse, and eventually divorce. I couldn't believe it. Where was my "happily ever after, good and bad, until death due us part" love???
Death suddenly had a different meaning.
And I'm not ashamed to admit that in my naivete it was very shocking.. sometimes painful, as I had become quite close to some. Everything I had believed suddenly became lies. I didn't know how to deal. And because some of those separations were quite ugly, and in some cases I was directly impacted, it really killed my belief in "happily eveer after". I mean, if these great people couldn't do it, what chance did I have? And I also had a plethora of married men in my face. None of which had any shame about being married. I'll admit, I got caught up a time or two. Unknowingly became the other woman. Yeah, those "You been with my husband?" conversations were fun. Smh.
The "relationships" I was in during and following this period did nothing to rekindle that flame for true love that had been blown out. I just started to believe maybe it wasn't for me. I accepted that as my fate. I would find someone I could moderately tolerate with no real expectations and that would be it. At least I wouldn't be alone. There would be times I would be watching a romantic movie or reading a book or even listening to a love some and I would think, "I want that. I deserve that". All the while not really believing it to be my fate. I mean, that was make believe, remember.
I don't know if it was the birth of my son(which is a love like nothing I've ever known), or the sudden influx of babies and engagements and weddings of those around me, but I've noticed recently that that hard shell around my heart has been cracking and chipping away. And I realize that I still want the love that I deserve. I want to be somebody's wife. I want to call someone my husband. I want my son to grow up in a home where love is freely and abunantly shown and where he is given a great example of the man he is supposed to be to the woman he loves. I want him to grow up knowing love is a real tangible thing and achiveable by anyone willing to put the work in. I want marriage, not living together, not boyfriend/girlfriend, not "we together" to be his goal.
I want to wake up every morning in the arms of the man that absoultely can't imagine his life without me and he shows it, EVERY DAY. I want an all encompassing, "Always and Forever", until the end of time love.
I want my fairy tale. I want my Happily Ever After.
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