Sunday, July 31, 2016
It's Like Candii: I Want My Happily Ever After
It's Like Candii: I Want My Happily Ever After: Every since I was a young girl and first fell in love with reading, my go to has always been a the love story. When I discovered Harlequin R...
I Want My Happily Ever After
Every since I was a young girl and first fell in love with reading, my go to has always been a the love story. When I discovered Harlequin Romance novels I was in heaven. My life was definitely not a fairy tale and reading always allowed me to disappear into a much sweeter world.
I will admit that reading those books also shaped my belief in how love, marriages, and relationships work. Or so I thought. I honestly believed in a world where people purposed to be together, were faithful to one another, and where love(and marriage) always wins in the end. Yeah, I was terribly naive.
I didn't know many people that were actually married when I was young. Just folks that had been together for a long time. Other than my grandparents, and Aunt Vern and Uncle Ed(they are divorced now by the way), everyone else was just.. together.
Then when I got older I started meeting couples who were madly in love and married... and Happy. I was ecstatic. It was my fairy tale dreams come to life. I watched and learned and couldn't wait until that became my world. Then the roof caved in..
Many years ago it seemed an epidemic trend where many of those wonderful couples I had watched and couldn't wait to emulate, started falling apart. I started to learn of infidelity, and people putting on grand fronts, abuse, and eventually divorce. I couldn't believe it. Where was my "happily ever after, good and bad, until death due us part" love???
Death suddenly had a different meaning.
And I'm not ashamed to admit that in my naivete it was very shocking.. sometimes painful, as I had become quite close to some. Everything I had believed suddenly became lies. I didn't know how to deal. And because some of those separations were quite ugly, and in some cases I was directly impacted, it really killed my belief in "happily eveer after". I mean, if these great people couldn't do it, what chance did I have? And I also had a plethora of married men in my face. None of which had any shame about being married. I'll admit, I got caught up a time or two. Unknowingly became the other woman. Yeah, those "You been with my husband?" conversations were fun. Smh.
The "relationships" I was in during and following this period did nothing to rekindle that flame for true love that had been blown out. I just started to believe maybe it wasn't for me. I accepted that as my fate. I would find someone I could moderately tolerate with no real expectations and that would be it. At least I wouldn't be alone. There would be times I would be watching a romantic movie or reading a book or even listening to a love some and I would think, "I want that. I deserve that". All the while not really believing it to be my fate. I mean, that was make believe, remember.
I don't know if it was the birth of my son(which is a love like nothing I've ever known), or the sudden influx of babies and engagements and weddings of those around me, but I've noticed recently that that hard shell around my heart has been cracking and chipping away. And I realize that I still want the love that I deserve. I want to be somebody's wife. I want to call someone my husband. I want my son to grow up in a home where love is freely and abunantly shown and where he is given a great example of the man he is supposed to be to the woman he loves. I want him to grow up knowing love is a real tangible thing and achiveable by anyone willing to put the work in. I want marriage, not living together, not boyfriend/girlfriend, not "we together" to be his goal.
I want to wake up every morning in the arms of the man that absoultely can't imagine his life without me and he shows it, EVERY DAY. I want an all encompassing, "Always and Forever", until the end of time love.
I want my fairy tale. I want my Happily Ever After.
I will admit that reading those books also shaped my belief in how love, marriages, and relationships work. Or so I thought. I honestly believed in a world where people purposed to be together, were faithful to one another, and where love(and marriage) always wins in the end. Yeah, I was terribly naive.
I didn't know many people that were actually married when I was young. Just folks that had been together for a long time. Other than my grandparents, and Aunt Vern and Uncle Ed(they are divorced now by the way), everyone else was just.. together.
Then when I got older I started meeting couples who were madly in love and married... and Happy. I was ecstatic. It was my fairy tale dreams come to life. I watched and learned and couldn't wait until that became my world. Then the roof caved in..
Many years ago it seemed an epidemic trend where many of those wonderful couples I had watched and couldn't wait to emulate, started falling apart. I started to learn of infidelity, and people putting on grand fronts, abuse, and eventually divorce. I couldn't believe it. Where was my "happily ever after, good and bad, until death due us part" love???
Death suddenly had a different meaning.
And I'm not ashamed to admit that in my naivete it was very shocking.. sometimes painful, as I had become quite close to some. Everything I had believed suddenly became lies. I didn't know how to deal. And because some of those separations were quite ugly, and in some cases I was directly impacted, it really killed my belief in "happily eveer after". I mean, if these great people couldn't do it, what chance did I have? And I also had a plethora of married men in my face. None of which had any shame about being married. I'll admit, I got caught up a time or two. Unknowingly became the other woman. Yeah, those "You been with my husband?" conversations were fun. Smh.
The "relationships" I was in during and following this period did nothing to rekindle that flame for true love that had been blown out. I just started to believe maybe it wasn't for me. I accepted that as my fate. I would find someone I could moderately tolerate with no real expectations and that would be it. At least I wouldn't be alone. There would be times I would be watching a romantic movie or reading a book or even listening to a love some and I would think, "I want that. I deserve that". All the while not really believing it to be my fate. I mean, that was make believe, remember.
I don't know if it was the birth of my son(which is a love like nothing I've ever known), or the sudden influx of babies and engagements and weddings of those around me, but I've noticed recently that that hard shell around my heart has been cracking and chipping away. And I realize that I still want the love that I deserve. I want to be somebody's wife. I want to call someone my husband. I want my son to grow up in a home where love is freely and abunantly shown and where he is given a great example of the man he is supposed to be to the woman he loves. I want him to grow up knowing love is a real tangible thing and achiveable by anyone willing to put the work in. I want marriage, not living together, not boyfriend/girlfriend, not "we together" to be his goal.
I want to wake up every morning in the arms of the man that absoultely can't imagine his life without me and he shows it, EVERY DAY. I want an all encompassing, "Always and Forever", until the end of time love.
I want my fairy tale. I want my Happily Ever After.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
It's Like Candii: What 2015 Taught Me
It's Like Candii: What 2015 Taught Me: Okay, so apparently a whole 365 days has passed. I find it so hard to believe because I swear it seems the beginning of 2015 was JUST yester...
What 2015 Taught Me
Okay, so apparently a whole 365 days has passed. I find it so hard to believe because I swear it seems the beginning of 2015 was JUST yesterday. But alas, it's time for a new year. A new beginning. But before we get there, let's talk about the lessons of 2015.
1. Make YOU a priority.
Listen, I LIVE for taking care of others. It's ingrained in my DNA. I find immense satisfaction and pleasure in knowing those around me that I love are okay. And if I can aid in making that "okay" happen, all the better. But I realized more this year more so than ever, that doing for others is all fine, well, and good, but you HAVE to take care of you. When you become the person that gives and gives and gives, eventually you will deplete yourself. And unfortunately, people all too often are more than willing to take everything you have to offer and have no mind to give it back in return. So you have to take care of you. Don't over extend yourself for anyone that isn't willing to do the same for you. And please know it is more than okay to say, NO! Hurt feelings, ideas of entitlement, and "but you always do", be damned. YOU are what matters the most.
2. Love people while they live.
Now we all know no one is going to live forever. We are all born to die. Just ideally, on the better side of the other side. But sadly, far too often, we are losing people, sometimes unexpectedly, and then we want think about how much they mean to us. NO. Love them while they are here. The people in your life should have no doubt about what they mean to you. It should be shown in your actions, thoughts, and words on a daily basis. Tell people you love them. Even better, SHOW THEM. There's an old song(I think it's a song), that says, "Give me my flowers while I live". Meaning show your appreciation while I can see and revel in it. Don't wait until people are gone to then think about what they mean to you because by then, it's too late. 2015 has unfortunately been a year of loss for many. RIP Aunt J, Mrs. Sandra, and Mr. Smith. We miss you.
3.Appreciate the blessing in the unexpected.
February 9, 2015 is when I found out I was pregnant. It wasn't planned. It wasn't wanted right then. And I still wake up daily thinking it was all a dream. My baby, Elijah Shane, is now 14 weeks old, and though it hasn't been the easiest experience, I honestly wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. I thought I was ready for a baby. Having him greatly challenged that thought. Not because he's difficult but because I was wholly unprepared for what all being a mother entails. But with help from my Mother and those around me that love me, I am making it work. I thank God for trusting me with one of his children. I pray for HIS continued guidance as to not mess it up.
Life has truly been a trial this year (but isn't it every year?), but as per my norm, I thank God for it. What's the point in living a life you don't learn from? I just hope and pray that the next 365 days are filled with light, lessons, and love.
Be Blessed.
1. Make YOU a priority.
Listen, I LIVE for taking care of others. It's ingrained in my DNA. I find immense satisfaction and pleasure in knowing those around me that I love are okay. And if I can aid in making that "okay" happen, all the better. But I realized more this year more so than ever, that doing for others is all fine, well, and good, but you HAVE to take care of you. When you become the person that gives and gives and gives, eventually you will deplete yourself. And unfortunately, people all too often are more than willing to take everything you have to offer and have no mind to give it back in return. So you have to take care of you. Don't over extend yourself for anyone that isn't willing to do the same for you. And please know it is more than okay to say, NO! Hurt feelings, ideas of entitlement, and "but you always do", be damned. YOU are what matters the most.
2. Love people while they live.
Now we all know no one is going to live forever. We are all born to die. Just ideally, on the better side of the other side. But sadly, far too often, we are losing people, sometimes unexpectedly, and then we want think about how much they mean to us. NO. Love them while they are here. The people in your life should have no doubt about what they mean to you. It should be shown in your actions, thoughts, and words on a daily basis. Tell people you love them. Even better, SHOW THEM. There's an old song(I think it's a song), that says, "Give me my flowers while I live". Meaning show your appreciation while I can see and revel in it. Don't wait until people are gone to then think about what they mean to you because by then, it's too late. 2015 has unfortunately been a year of loss for many. RIP Aunt J, Mrs. Sandra, and Mr. Smith. We miss you.
3.Appreciate the blessing in the unexpected.
February 9, 2015 is when I found out I was pregnant. It wasn't planned. It wasn't wanted right then. And I still wake up daily thinking it was all a dream. My baby, Elijah Shane, is now 14 weeks old, and though it hasn't been the easiest experience, I honestly wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. I thought I was ready for a baby. Having him greatly challenged that thought. Not because he's difficult but because I was wholly unprepared for what all being a mother entails. But with help from my Mother and those around me that love me, I am making it work. I thank God for trusting me with one of his children. I pray for HIS continued guidance as to not mess it up.
Life has truly been a trial this year (but isn't it every year?), but as per my norm, I thank God for it. What's the point in living a life you don't learn from? I just hope and pray that the next 365 days are filled with light, lessons, and love.
Be Blessed.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Over It...
It's official....
I am completely over being pregnant.
Now... Don't get me wrong... I recognize and acknowledge the miracle that pregnancy is.. I know there are those that relish in the experience. And those that would give anything to be able to have the experience. I take nothing away from them.
But for me... I'm over it.
I'm over the exhaustion.
I'm over the limitations on my body.
I'm over not being able to walk up a flight of stairs, take a shower, or get dressed without getting out of breath.
I'm over the appetite issues... Cravings and restrictions.
I'm over an the "advice".
I'm over all the predictions and restrictions already being placed on my unborn son.
I'm over not being able get comfortable enough to get a decent night's sleep.
I'm over being hot all the time.
I'm thankful for the blessing that is my son. But I'm completely over the process of getting him here.
I am completely over being pregnant.
Now... Don't get me wrong... I recognize and acknowledge the miracle that pregnancy is.. I know there are those that relish in the experience. And those that would give anything to be able to have the experience. I take nothing away from them.
But for me... I'm over it.
I'm over the exhaustion.
I'm over the limitations on my body.
I'm over not being able to walk up a flight of stairs, take a shower, or get dressed without getting out of breath.
I'm over the appetite issues... Cravings and restrictions.
I'm over an the "advice".
I'm over all the predictions and restrictions already being placed on my unborn son.
I'm over not being able get comfortable enough to get a decent night's sleep.
I'm over being hot all the time.
I'm thankful for the blessing that is my son. But I'm completely over the process of getting him here.
Monday, August 3, 2015
Confession
My brother asked me the other day is I had been putting headphones on my belly so that the baby could hear music? I just kinda shrugged and was like, not directly.
The truth of the matter is I haven't been doing any off the things I thought I would when I became pregnant. And it's not because I don't want to, its because I'm scared to.
What am I scared of, you ask? I'm scared to get close to and connect with my child because I have a palpable fear that I may not get to raise him. Now I know there are risks in all pregnancies but that's not really where my concern comes from..
I honestly, more than anything feel like it's a lack of Faith. My best friend died two years ago less than a month before her baby was to be born. She had had no complications. And had even been to the doctor the week before and everything was fine. Almost overnight, she developed gestational diabetes. And it was so extreme and not treated quickly enough, so both her and the baby died.
I know... It happens. We are not in control. God is. And when He calls you, it's time. Thing is, Shani was one of the best people in this world. She loved with no abandon and was truly a blessing to everyone that knew her. And more than anything, she wanted to be a mother. She went through a lot trying to become a mother. So when it finally happened, we were all ecstatic.
She wanted it. She planned for it. She went through hell to get it. And she died because of it. That is a pain I don't think will ever go away.
So why, when someone that wanted something so bad and DESERVED IT didn't get to experience it, should I? Why should I get my happy when she didn't?
I didn't plan this baby. Especially considering the environment I'm currently in.. My ideal has always been to be in love and married (or at least committed) and settled before any kids came about. And that certainly is not my current life.
I'm terrified of making a connection with my child and then losing him. It makes me hesitant to talk to him, to think of a future with him. Hell, I'm almost 8 months pregnant and still undecided on a name. I haven't bought one thing either.
And that's the other thing.. Shani and I always talked about raising our children together. We shopped for baby/kid stuff when the thought of having a kid was a distant thought. We talked about names, and parenting practices and how if anything ever happened to one of us, the other would raise our kid.
A more than ten year friendship where we shared everything and I don't get to share this with her. Its impossible for me to go in a store and pick up something baby related and not be sad I can't ask her opinion on it. It's been Hell not being able to call her and share the pains and gains of my pregnancy like she did with me.
Every milestone of my life since I was 17, she has been a part of. I don't know how to do this without her. And there is such a big part of me that feels like I don't deserve it.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
10 Days of Thanksgiving
A few years ago I did this thing on my Facebook and Twitter pages where in the 10 days before Thanksgiving, I listed something I was thankful for each day. I decided to do that again this year. I think so often we get so caught up in life and forget that each and every day and everything we encounter is a blessing.
I decided to switch it up a bit so these ten things may not be the usual ones that you would typically see someone being thankful for. But each of these things makes my life that much bearable.
I'm Thankful...
10. I'm thankful for "Love". Whether from family, friends, or a significant other. Love is something we all need and give. It is one of the most universally valuable things in the world.
9. I'm thankful for "Heartache". While it is not something I would purposefully wish on anyone, I can't help but be appreciative for the experience of heartache. It teaches you so many things... Forgiveness, Crying cleanses the soul, and that Ice Cream heals all wounds. Heartache also teaches you to follow your gut. Most of all, heartache teaches you that you are a lot stronger than you think. And that you can overcome anything.
8. I'm thankful for "Laughter". There is nothing that lifts a heavy heart spirit like a good belly laugh. Even better if it brings tears. No matter what's going on in your life, laughter makes it better. The ability to laugh reminds you that you can overcome.
I decided to switch it up a bit so these ten things may not be the usual ones that you would typically see someone being thankful for. But each of these things makes my life that much bearable.
I'm Thankful...
10. I'm thankful for "Love". Whether from family, friends, or a significant other. Love is something we all need and give. It is one of the most universally valuable things in the world.
9. I'm thankful for "Heartache". While it is not something I would purposefully wish on anyone, I can't help but be appreciative for the experience of heartache. It teaches you so many things... Forgiveness, Crying cleanses the soul, and that Ice Cream heals all wounds. Heartache also teaches you to follow your gut. Most of all, heartache teaches you that you are a lot stronger than you think. And that you can overcome anything.
8. I'm thankful for "Laughter". There is nothing that lifts a heavy heart spirit like a good belly laugh. Even better if it brings tears. No matter what's going on in your life, laughter makes it better. The ability to laugh reminds you that you can overcome.
7. I'm thankful for "Books". Listen... I've been a reader for as long as I can remember. Folks talked about me saying if I couldn't be found, it was a guarantee I was lost in a book. And it's true. Books have always been both my escape and a solace. I can honestly say my love of reading has made my life better. I have so much appreciation for my Mom, who always encouraged me to be a reader and my Aunt Juanita who made it her business to keep us supplied in books( I mean she was a librarian).
Make it your business to encourage a love of reading in your kids. I promise it will benefit their lives in so many ways.
6: I'm thankful for "Beds". Today has been an exhaustively lonnnnnnnnnnnnnngg day. My legs, feet, neck, and back hurt. And when I got off work, the first thing I did was lay across the bed. It's kinda like getting a good hug from someone you really love. Only on some days, like today... better.
Sadly, everyone doesn't have the luxury of being able to lay cross the bed. But I'm really, Really, REALLY Thankful that I can.
5: I'm thankful for my "Twitter Fam". I say often if you don't have a good time on Twitter, you're doing it wrong. My luvs keep me laughing, keep me in trouble, keep me in their prayers, and I have no doubt I'm in their hearts as well. So thankful for @NickaS7 @Melodic98 @KeBrittain @SimplyShanWalk @gunhawk18 @Lay1269 @DGraham39 @silowet2006 @NatashaMonique_ @blackhonee @Doestaxxx @CeFranklee @Mon_235 @VirgoNeyez @itsbenzybabii @amanagainstmany @SoloSunni (and Nugget) @daddykn0wsbest @LBrothersMedia @ReidStreetSmart @JamiBeth30 @taball1 @ChunkyChikChasr
4: I've tried all evening to come up with something.. My heart is so heavy tonight.. So I think I'll say this.. I'm thankful for "Black Men".. I LOVE Black Men. From Cafe Au Lait to the darkest of chocolates. Their strength, their perseverance, their swag. It simply can't be matched. They are undervalued and under appreciated by so many.. but not me. I appreciate you Black Man. I love you Black Man. I need you Black Man. Stay Strong Black Man. I got your back.
3: I'm thankful for "Music". Music is so awesome. It is a part of every aspect of our lives. Whether sad or happy, about love or about pain, Music is everywhere. The right lyrics to a song can have you shouting in praise, two-stepping to the beat or deep down in the delta in your feelings. Music is universal and makes the world go round.
2: I'm thankful for "Chocolate". Listen... Whoever sat up and decided to mix up the ingredients to make chocolate needs a award. Chocolate cures what ails you and improves your mood instantly. Chocolate makes the world a better place.
(This post was preceded by the consumption of a very delicious piece of Chocolate Snickers Dream Cake)
(This post was preceded by the consumption of a very delicious piece of Chocolate Snickers Dream Cake)
1: I'm thankful for "Family". Some drive us crazy. Others keep us sane. They are so much apart of the people that we become. Family is supportive. Family is honest. Family is love. Make sure you let yours know that you love and appreciate them.
These are just a few of things that make my life worth living. Some days aren't good. But on those days, just think of one of those things that we all take for granted but that we would really miss if we didn't have. And say, Thank You.
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