A Few Unknown "Shani" facts...

Did you know...?

1)Stemming from a traumatic experience as a child at the zoo, Shani was afraid of giraffes. 

2)If she could have had her way, Shani could have existed off of "Good" ice cream and juice.. and often did. 

3)She loved playing video games. Super Mario Kart (Wii) was one of her favorite games. 

4)If you ever had the privilege to view her website, you know she had a way with words like no other. But what you may not know was that she also was working several books (cookbook, fiction, life lessons).

5)Her favorite color was purple. She slightly detested pink but could deal with it when combined with other bright colors. 

6)She was the one that gave me my Twitter name "Candii_Pants". She called me "Pants" in real life and was often the cause of other people doing it as well. 

7)One of her favorite movies was "Groundhog Day".. which leads me to..

8)One of Shani's  favorite holidays was "Groundhog Day". Because it marks 6 months until her birthday. That's usually when she would start planning the festivities. 

9)Shani was always re-inventing herself. She got bored quickly and that definitely included her look. It was nothing for her to have black hair on Monday, and brown hair on Tuesday. Length was also subject to change at any moment. 

10)She was an AWESOME cook! I mean the girl could put things together that you would have never thought of and they would be nirvana to the taste buds. 

Today would have been my bestie, Shani's 36th Birthday. She always made a HUGE deal about her birthday. It would often be a celebration that lasted over a few days that included festivities with her hubby, her mom, and her girls. She considered her birthday her "New Year". Unfortunately, my sister left this earth on May 3, 2013. She isn't here to celebrate and though I hate it, I don't yet have it in me to celebrate without her. Not publicly anyway. I'll have my own private celebration. 

I Love You Shani. <3

To Be or Not To Be... Seen?

You ever have those moments where you make an off-hand comment, typically meaning nothing but upon further scrutiny really says a lot? This happened to me recently. 

I was talking to my guy about the day out I had had with my friend Kellee. It was a typical "Girls Day" that included shopping at various stores, eating, girl talk, and of course checking for guys. I was particularly interested in sharing the part about the guys because it had occurred to me that day that I no longer was that girl. I no longer go out with the intention of picking up a guy. I realized that this was because I felt my guy provided what I needed so I no outside interest was necessary. I thought it cool to share this particular point of interest with my guy because I figured it would put a smile on his face. (It did :-)) 

As I was sharing the interaction between my girl and one of the many guys we'd encountered that day, my guy asked if any of the guys had showed an interest in me? 

My immediate response was "No, Guys don't see me when I'm with Kellee." 

It was automatic. It was honest. But it wasn't until I noticed the confusion/disbelief on his face that I realized how much weight my comment actually had. 

Kellee and I are both pretty brown skin girls that wear glasses and have natural hair (though I'm still transitioning). She is slightly taller than my 5'4 1/2" in and has legs for days. That is where our similarity in looks ends. Kellee is a size 7 and I a size 24. She's also very outspoken and will start a conversation with anybody. I'm more quiet, more sit back and watch.

I can't tell you how many times we've been out and approached by a guy(s), that speak or acknowledge me as an afterthought. It wasn't something that I paid much attention to. In fact,  I've always laughed about it or even made a joke because it never surprised me. 

Anyway, it wasn't until I said that to my guy that I realized that somewhere along the way I had come to accept being invisible. I've never been one that had to be the center of attention but I've always held my own. I've lost that. And I don't like it.  

Baby Boom

It seems that 2013 is going to be a great year for so many of my friends. Three (so far) great couples I know are going to become parents for the first time. I’m so excited for them. I know they are going to make great parents. So I got to thinking I know there are plenty of parenting books, blogs, magazines out to tell you everything under the sun about kids but I figured I’d add a few things from my point of view.

Well first let me clarify… I’m not technically a “parent”. I mean, I haven’t had any kids personally. I’m not a mother. But as I have been taking care of my nephew since he was six weeks old, I’m qualified to use the word “Parent”. There have been many lessons over the past 2 ½ and some were learned the hard way. Here are some of my top ones…

Just go ahead and accept that there you won’t be using the bathroom in peace for a few years… This of course becomes more of a problem when they start crawling or walking but even as an infant, you are still hesitant to leave them alone for too long. (We've all heard those “I only left him for a second” stories). Of course, if you have a toddler, you won’t have to worry about leaving them alone because unless they are in a play pen or some other way ensconced, they will be knocking at the door (or in Tahj’s case, opening it). I've learned that kids think you going to the bathroom mean you want to talk. Hopefully you’ll have someone else around to help and y’all will be able to take turns. (Note: This also applies to showers)

You need to also accept that your days of eating a meal or having a drink alone are also over. Now of course there will be things that a child can’t eat or drink but I promise that won’t stop them from trying.  You will also need to accept that your meals will at times will be a lot more kid-oriented because sometimes it’s just easier that way (Chicken nuggets anyone?) Speaking of Chicken nuggets, as your kid gets old enough to eat solid food; they will definitely become a staple in your home. A lot of people like to hit up McDonald’s on the regular but I find it’s easier (and cheaper) to just keep a bag in the freezer.  Or make your own. Also be aware that your child will have food preferences and that they will change. Tahj loves bananas, grapes, and pears. He doesn't like apples but likes applesauce. He likes potatoes, broccoli, and salad; doesn't like green beans or white rice. He doesn't like eggs, LOVES oatmeal. When he was younger he wouldn't eat bacon, now he requests it.  As a matter of fact, if we let him, he could live on chicken nuggets, French fries, bananas, bacon, and oatmeal.

You will come to reverently appreciate any kid-friendly television program that keeps your kids attention for more than 5 minutes. Now I know a lot of parents don’t want their kids just sitting in front of the television for hours. But 30 minutes or an hour here or there certainly won’t hurt. Tahj loves music so “Yo Gabba Gabba!” has become a favorite of his. Plus they teach through song. Trust me… You’ll need that half hour.

You will suddenly acquire a pet… that pet would be a parrot. Tahj repeats EVERYTHING! Thankfully he doesn't say the bad words. As a matter of fact he admonishes us not to say them. But everything else is fair game. He even gets the different nuances of your voice accurate.

As they grow older, they will become fiercely independent. They will think that they can do any and everything by themselves. On one hand that’s exactly what you want. You want them to be self-assured and confident. You want them to be able to take care of themselves. But, it also makes you feel a little sad. As time goes on, your “baby” won’t need you as much anymore. That stings a little. But you have to just suck it up and let them grow up. Of course there will be things they think they can do/handle that they can’t and you’ll have to step in but for me that’s just a little reminder that he’ll always need me in some way. J

Kids are tough… and resilient. And with Tahj, it seems like it’s multiplied. He is forever bumping into, falling off of, running into, and hitting some body part on… SOMETHING! My heart jumps to my throat on a daily basis dealing with him. He has so many cuts, scraps, and bruises on his body that people that don’t know any better might think he was abused. But I've learned to base my reaction based on his reaction. If he doesn't make a big deal about it, I don’t. If he cries he’s hurt, I “kiss it better” and we move on. Don’t dwell on it so he doesn't dwell on it. Most often, 10 seconds or so later he’s fine.

Don’t judge your child’s accomplishments based on other people’s thoughts or children. Children, just like people move at their own pace. Tahj stopped drinking from a bottle at 9 months, was walking by 1, and knew his ABCs and could count to 10 before he was 2. He’s a smart kid and picks up things quickly but he has setbacks too. Like this whole potty training thing is just not on his list of priorities. He’s about to be 3 and people have been like “Well, my little Danny was potty trained at 18 months”. Okay, good for Danny. There are things that Tahj can do that Danny can’t. Each kid is different. And of course environment plays a part in that as well.

Last but not least, get prepared to become “that” person. The one that everything that comes out of your mouth has to do with your child and their numerous “I know this is common and every kid does it but not like how my kid did it” achievements. I used to talk about those people… then I became one. The first year of Tahj’s life every other statement was about him.  But it’s hard not to when you are spending so much time with one little perfect person. And because they are that little perfect person everything that they do is newsworthy.

I think the best thing I can say is to just follow your instincts. Regardless of what the books say, your Mom says, or other parents say, do what feels good to you. 

Which Are You?

Grandmother Says... Carrots, Eggs, or Coffee; "Which are you?"

A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.

Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, "Tell me what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they got soft.She then asked her to take an egg and break it.

After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.

Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma. The granddaughter then asked. "What's the point,grandmother?"

Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity--boiling water--but each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her granddaughter.

"When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I?

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?

Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level?

---AUTHOR UNKNOWN

*I didn't write this. I came across it on Facebook and thought it so thought provoking that it needed to be shared. We all go through things. You can either let your situation change you... or change your situation. Your choice.*

What 2012 Taught Me

*Note: This post is 2 days late because as I was about to post it  on New Year's Eve, my laptop decided to act a monkey and totally erase my post. I had not saved it yet which meant I would have to retype the whole thing. That wasn't possible that night or yesterday so... here you are. *

What 2012 Taught Me:

It’s the end of another year and what better a time than to reflect on all the lessons learned and experiences had. 2012 was a pretty decent year for me. It was definitely better than 2011. For that, I’m extremely thankful. The past 12 months have been very educational for me… as a woman, as a sister, as a friend. As they say, “You live and you learn”. A few things I've learned this year…

Buck the Rules: Now I know we have rules for a reason. Whether it is to keep us safe or out of trouble, rules are needed. But I’m talking about “Life” rules. Far too often, we go through life living it as other people see fit. We do things as to not go against the grain… or have people looking down on you. But what kind of life is that? The very best thing you could ever do for you in life is to do what makes you happy. Sometimes that involves bucking the rules. This, in my opinion, makes it so much more fun.

Don’t make rash decisions based on temporary emotions: When we are angry or upset, or our emotions are high… we may not be thinking clearly or rationally and that is the worst time to make a life altering decision. It is always best to think things through. I like to weigh the pros and cons of everything (I am also a Libra, the sign of the Scales). While everything tends to have its pluses and minuses, you never want to make a life altering rash decision based on how you’re feeling at the time and then later realize it was the wrong one. Some things you can’t take back and I’m sorry doesn't always cut it.

Have a plan: This one kind of piggybacks off the previous one but it is relevant nonetheless. I think one of the worst things to do is decide to do something without fully having a plan. You need to know what you want, how you plan to get it, and what you are going to do if the original plan doesn't work out. You need to have a plan A… and B… and possibly C. It’s good to be prepared for any curves life chooses to suddenly throw at you.

Don’t stress over what you can’t change: I must say, this is probably the biggest lesson for me. I admit I have control issues. I don’t think I’m that bad, but it’s definitely there. I want the people I love and care about to live their best life. I want them to be healthy. I want them to be happy. I want them to plan and save and organize. I want them to do the things I KNOW will make their lives better. (See that control freak coming out?). The problem with that is when those things don’t happen, it frustrates me. Which makes me mad or sad or irritated… which leads me to stressing… which then affects my overall being. I have realized that the best thing I can do is provide information and let people decide whether they want to use it or not. In the end, I've done my part. I can’t change others, but I can change me.

I’m going into 2013 with a better sense of the Me that I am and the Me that I want to be. 2013 will be the year of ME! I can’t wait.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Lessons Learned

I try to make it my business to treat every life experience as a Life Lesson. Whether it is good or bad, happy or sad, I aim to make sure I learn the lesson from the experience. This is especially true of relationships… both friendly and mate-related.

I'm happy to be able to say that though I may not have realized it at the time; I have learned something from every relationship I have been in. Whether it was something about me, men, or love in general, I take the lesson and apply it to my life in whatever capacity it is needed. I like to think it has made me a better person.

I won't bore you with tales of ALL of my "love gone wrong" experiences but there are a few that stand out. Generally, these are the ones that lasted longer than a minute. 

I thought about changing the names to protect the not-so-innocent but then said whatever. This is my blog, my thoughts, my life. They were a part of it and not a secret part so... *shrug*. 

In no particular order, the lessons I've learned through my attempt to find everlasting love:

Brandon and I had more of a pseudo relationship. We were never really together though we kind of acted like it over the course of a few years. Mainly when were between other relationships. From Brandon, I learned that everything can line up perfectly and things still are not meant to be. We were MADE for each other... but we weren't. No matter how much we wanted it to work, it never did. We too are still friends. 

Terrence was the first guy I ever thought I loved. I mean he was my FIRST. And unfortunately I was blinded by that love. Now don't get me wrong, that blindness was self-inflicted. He was always honest... his brand of honest anyway. We attempted relationships over the years when we both in-between others. It never lasted long.  From Terrence, I learned that Actions Speak Louder Than Words. Terrence could be a politician, his tongue is that smooth. He says all the right things but when it comes time for action, there is nothing there. We don't talk anymore, but I would say we are cordial when in each other's presence. 

James and I got together kinda by a fluke. A friend was interested in him but he was interested in me. Spending time with them trying to get them together actually just made us feel each other more (terrible I know). James came with Momma issues, Baby Mother Issues, and lazy man issues. From James, I learned that putting your all into making someone else's life easy as possible is only good if they are doing the same for you. 

Twain was my longest relationship to date. We started off as friends and that eventually led to more. We lasted 2 years. Because we started off rough due to some slight wrongness on my part, I did everything thing I could to make him happy. That included changing me. From Twain, I learned the worst thing you could ever do in a relationship is lose yourself. I gave up every part of who I was to make him happy yet I was miserable. It ended badly but I still have love for him. We're friends now.

Now I don't want you to think that I am bashing these men, because that is not what I am doing. They are generally good guys… they just weren't good for me. Or rather, we weren't good for each other after a while. I don't regret any of the time spent with any of them. If it wasn't good while it lasted, it had its good moments, and for that I will always be appreciative. 

Every life experience is a lesson. Sometimes it’s a hard lesson. Sometimes it’s an easy one. Sometimes it’s a lesson in heartbreak. Sometimes it’s a lesson in how love truly triumphs. You never know until you go through it. 

I know people that are out here avoiding relationships because they don't want to risk getting hurt. What they may not realize is there is a lesson in that as well... one of fear. You can't live your best life being fearful of what might happen. You have to take a chance. If it works out, cool. If it doesn't, look for the lesson. That way you'll know what to do the next time you are in that situation. 

I've learned a lot about love over the past 10 years. But I've learned even more about myself. I LOVE love. I love the experiences love can bring. I've learned that love comes in different forms and is different for everybody. Love heals. Love hurts. But it is something that we all need to survive. 

It is as vital to us as breathing. 

Control Freak

A few years ago, this guy I was involved with informed me that things would never work out between us because I was a control freak. That I thought everything always had to go my way. I felt like that couldn't possibly be true. I mean, I was the most easy going, accommodating chick I knew. It always was about the other person for me.. 

I of course, shrugged off his remark like the excuse I felt like it was and went on about my business. I didn't feel like I was trying to control our relationship. But, I did try to regulate how I let him treat me. I demanded respect and consideration. He was not going to just treat me any kind of way. 

The strange thing was, in the weeks/months that followed that conversation, I had 3 other men(none of which I was intimately involved), tell me very similar remarks.  This really got me to thinking... Was I a Control Freak? Did things always have to go my way? Nahhhhh... Couldn't possibly be true..Right? I really believed the guys were just misjudging me. I was a Strong woman. A woman of standard. They just didn't know how to handle me. Yep. That's what it was. (Or at least what I told myself)

That was until me and the Bestie were out to dinner and catching up on each others' lives. I was relaying it all to her and after I finished I looked to her for the expectant "Girl naw. He/they trippin". Instead I got, "You know.. I could see why he would say that". 

MY JAW DROPPED.

I looked at her in complete disbelief. How could she possibly say such a thing?!?! She was supposed to be my friend.. MY BEST FRIEND! As I was inwardly rethinking our whole friendship, some part of my brain started paying attention to the reasons she was giving behind her saying it. They included: 1) The whole time I was talking, everything began with "I". I want, I think, I need.. It was all about me. 2) I was using control as a way to keep myself from being vulnerable. So I wouldn't get hurt. 3) Contrary to what I thought, my way was not necessarily always the best way (Yeah right), and I needed to learn that just because things weren't the way I wanted them, didn't make them wrong. 

Part of me was still rethinking our friendship (I kid), but I had to admit she made a lot of sense. I really didn't like that mirror she was holding up but hey, what are best friends for if not to hold up mirrors that show your true reflection?

I left that dinner with a new-found sense of self. Realized I needed a little more "take" in my give and take. That having standards was good, and even needed, but you also have to have compromise. It can't be, "You do all these things for me. And if you do them to my liking and approval, I'll do these things for you.". That's not how relationships work. 

Because the reality is, in relationships, we all need different things. What makes perfect sense to you doesn't necessarily make any sense to another. That's why compromise is such a big part of successful relationships. You have to be willing to work together for the good of the relationship. When you decide to share your life with someone, it ceases being about "self'" and moves to "we". 

Of course, me and that guy didn't work out and it had NOTHING to do with my control issues(really it didn't, he was a selfish a**hole), but I do have him to thank for helping to open my eyes so that I can be a better me... and a better half of "we" (whenever that happens).