It's Like Candii: I Want My Happily Ever After

It's Like Candii: I Want My Happily Ever After: Every since I was a young girl and first fell in love with reading, my go to has always been a the love story. When I discovered Harlequin R...

I Want My Happily Ever After

Every since I was a young girl and first fell in love with reading, my go to has always been a the love story. When I discovered Harlequin Romance novels I was in heaven. My life was definitely not a fairy tale and reading always allowed me to disappear into a much sweeter world.

I will admit that reading those books also shaped my belief in how love, marriages, and relationships work. Or so I thought. I honestly believed in a world where people purposed to be together, were faithful to one another, and where love(and marriage) always wins in the end. Yeah, I was terribly naive.

I didn't know many people that were actually married when I was young. Just folks that had been together for a long time. Other than my grandparents, and Aunt Vern and Uncle Ed(they are divorced now by the way), everyone else was just.. together.

Then when I got older I started meeting couples who were madly in love and married... and Happy. I was ecstatic. It was my fairy tale dreams come to life. I watched and learned and couldn't wait until that became my world. Then the roof caved in..

Many years ago it seemed an epidemic trend where many of those wonderful couples I had watched and couldn't wait to emulate, started falling apart. I started to learn of infidelity, and people putting on grand fronts, abuse, and eventually divorce. I couldn't believe it. Where was my "happily ever after, good and bad, until death due us part" love???

Death suddenly had a different meaning.

And I'm not ashamed to admit that in my naivete it was very shocking.. sometimes painful, as I had become quite close to some. Everything I had believed suddenly became lies. I didn't know how to deal. And because some of those separations were quite ugly, and in some cases I was directly impacted, it really killed my belief in "happily eveer after". I mean, if these great people couldn't do it, what chance did I have? And I also had a plethora of married men in my face. None of which had any shame about being married. I'll admit, I got caught up a time or two. Unknowingly became the other woman. Yeah, those "You been with my husband?" conversations were fun. Smh.

The "relationships" I was in during and following this period did nothing to rekindle that flame for true love that had been blown out. I just started to believe maybe it wasn't for me. I accepted that as my fate. I would find someone I could moderately tolerate with no real expectations and that would be it. At least I wouldn't be alone. There would be times I would be watching a romantic movie or reading a book or even listening to a love some and I would think, "I want that. I deserve that". All the while not really believing it to be my fate. I mean, that was make believe, remember.

I don't know if it was the birth of my son(which is a love like nothing I've ever known), or the sudden influx of babies and engagements and weddings of those around me, but I've noticed recently that that hard shell around my heart has been cracking and chipping away. And I realize that I still want the love that I deserve. I want to be somebody's wife. I want to call someone my husband. I want my son to grow up in a home where love is freely and abunantly shown and where he is given a great example of the man he is supposed to be to the woman he loves. I want him to grow up knowing love is a real tangible thing and achiveable by anyone willing to put the work in. I want marriage, not living together, not boyfriend/girlfriend, not "we together" to be his goal.

I want to wake up every morning in the arms of the man that absoultely can't imagine his life without me and he shows it, EVERY DAY. I want an all encompassing, "Always and Forever", until the end of time love.

I want my fairy tale. I want my Happily Ever After.

It's Like Candii: What 2015 Taught Me

It's Like Candii: What 2015 Taught Me: Okay, so apparently a whole 365 days has passed. I find it so hard to believe because I swear it seems the beginning of 2015 was JUST yester...

What 2015 Taught Me

Okay, so apparently a whole 365 days has passed. I find it so hard to believe because I swear it seems the beginning of 2015 was JUST yesterday. But alas, it's time for a new year. A new beginning. But before we get there, let's talk about the lessons of 2015.

1. Make YOU a priority. 
         Listen, I LIVE for taking care of others. It's ingrained in my DNA. I find immense satisfaction and pleasure in knowing those around me that I love are okay. And if I can aid in making that "okay" happen, all the better. But I realized more this year more so than ever, that doing for others is all fine, well, and good, but you HAVE to take care of you. When you become the person that gives and gives and gives, eventually you will deplete yourself. And unfortunately, people all too often are more than willing to take everything you have to offer and have no mind to give it back in return. So you have to take care of you. Don't over extend yourself for anyone that isn't willing to do the same for you. And please know it is more than okay to say, NO! Hurt feelings, ideas of entitlement, and "but you always do", be damned. YOU are what matters the most. 

2. Love people while they live. 
         Now we all know no one is going to live forever. We are all born to die. Just ideally, on the better side of the other side. But sadly, far too often, we are losing people, sometimes unexpectedly, and then we want think about how much they mean to us. NO. Love them while they are here. The people in your life should have no doubt about what they mean to you. It should be shown in your actions, thoughts, and words on a daily basis. Tell people you love them. Even better, SHOW THEM. There's an old song(I think it's a song), that says, "Give me my flowers while I live". Meaning show your appreciation while I can see and revel in it. Don't wait until people are gone to then think about what they mean to you because by then, it's too late. 2015 has unfortunately been a year of loss for many. RIP Aunt J, Mrs. Sandra, and Mr. Smith. We miss you. 

3.Appreciate the blessing in the unexpected. 
          February 9, 2015 is when I found out I was pregnant. It wasn't planned. It wasn't wanted right then. And I still wake up daily thinking it was all a dream. My baby, Elijah Shane, is now 14 weeks old, and though it hasn't been the easiest experience, I honestly wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. I thought I was ready for a baby. Having him greatly challenged that thought. Not because he's difficult but because I was wholly unprepared for what all being a mother entails. But with help from my Mother and those around me that love me, I am making it work. I thank God for trusting me with one of his children. I pray for HIS continued guidance as to not mess it up. 

Life has truly been a trial this year (but isn't it every year?), but as per my norm, I thank God for it. What's the point in living a life you don't learn from? I just hope and pray that the next 365 days are filled with light, lessons, and love. 

Be Blessed. 

Over It...

It's official....
I am completely over being pregnant. 
Now... Don't get me wrong... I recognize and acknowledge the miracle that pregnancy is.. I know there are those that relish in the experience. And those that would give anything to be able to have the experience. I take nothing away from them. 
But for me... I'm over it.
I'm over the exhaustion.
I'm over the limitations on my body. 
I'm over not being able to walk up a flight of stairs, take a shower, or get dressed without getting out of breath.
I'm over the appetite issues... Cravings and restrictions.
I'm over an the "advice".
I'm over all the predictions and restrictions already being placed on my unborn son.
I'm over not being able get comfortable enough to get a decent night's sleep. 
I'm over being hot all the time.
I'm thankful for the blessing that is my son. But I'm completely over the process of getting him here.

Confession

My brother asked me the other day is I had been putting headphones on my belly so that the baby could hear music? I just kinda shrugged and was like, not directly.

The truth of the matter is I haven't been doing any off the things I thought I would when I became pregnant. And it's not because I don't want to, its because I'm scared to. 

What am I scared of, you ask? I'm scared to get close to and connect with my child because I have a palpable fear that I may not get to raise him. Now I know there are risks in all pregnancies but that's not really where my concern comes from.. 

I honestly, more than anything feel like it's a lack of Faith. My best friend died two years ago less than a month before her baby was to be born. She had had no complications. And had even been to the doctor the week before and everything was fine. Almost overnight, she developed gestational diabetes. And it was so extreme and not treated quickly enough, so both her and the baby died. 

I know... It happens. We are not in control. God is. And when He calls you, it's time. Thing is, Shani was one of the best people in this world. She loved with no abandon and was truly a blessing to everyone that knew her. And more than anything, she wanted to be a mother. She went through a lot trying to become a mother. So when it finally happened, we were all ecstatic. 

She wanted it. She planned for it. She went through hell to get it. And she died because of it. That is a pain I don't think will ever go away. 

So why, when someone that wanted something so bad and DESERVED IT didn't get to experience it, should I? Why should I get my happy when she didn't?

I didn't plan this baby. Especially considering the environment I'm currently in.. My ideal has always been to be in love and married (or at least committed) and settled before any kids came about. And that certainly is not my current life.

I'm terrified of making a connection with my child and then losing him. It makes me hesitant to talk to him, to think of a future with him. Hell, I'm almost 8 months pregnant and still undecided on a name. I haven't bought one thing either. 

And that's the other thing.. Shani and I always talked about raising our children together. We shopped for baby/kid stuff when the thought of having a kid was a distant thought. We talked about names, and parenting practices and how if anything ever happened to one of us, the other would raise our kid. 

A more than ten year friendship where we shared everything and I don't get to share this with her. Its impossible for me to go in a store and pick up something baby related and not be sad I can't ask her opinion on it. It's been Hell not being able to call her and share the pains and gains of my pregnancy like she did with me. 

Every milestone of my life since I was 17, she has been a part of.  I don't know how to do this without her. And there is such a big part of me that feels like I don't deserve it. 

10 Days of Thanksgiving

A few years ago I did this thing on my Facebook and Twitter pages where in the 10 days before Thanksgiving, I listed something I was thankful for each day. I decided to do that again this year. I think so often we get so caught up in life and forget that each and every day and everything we encounter is a blessing. 
I decided to switch it up a bit so these ten things may not be the usual ones that you would typically see someone being thankful for. But each of these things makes my life that much bearable.

I'm Thankful... 
10. I'm thankful for "Love". Whether from family, friends, or a significant other. Love is something we all need and give. It is one of the most universally valuable things in the world.

‪ 9. I'm thankful for "Heartache". While it is not something I would purposefully wish on anyone, I can't help but be appreciative for the experience of heartache. It teaches you so many things... Forgiveness, Crying cleanses the soul, and that Ice Cream heals all wounds. Heartache also teaches you to follow your gut. Most of all, heartache teaches you that you are a lot stronger than you think. And that you can overcome anything.

‪ 8. I'm thankful for "Laughter". There is nothing that lifts a heavy heart spirit like a good belly laugh. Even better if it brings tears. No matter what's going on in your life, laughter makes it better. The ability to laugh reminds you that you can overcome.

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 7. I'm thankful for "Books". Listen... I've been a reader for as long as I can remember. Folks talked about me saying if I couldn't be found, it was a guarantee I was lost in a book. And it's true. Books have always been both my escape and a solace. I can honestly say my love of reading has made my life better. I have so much appreciation for my Mom, who always encouraged me to be a reader and my Aunt Juanita who made it her business to keep us supplied in books( I mean she was a librarian).

Make it your business to encourage a love of reading in your kids. I promise it will benefit their lives in so many ways.

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6: I'm thankful for "Beds". Today has been an exhaustively lonnnnnnnnnnnnnngg day. My legs, feet, neck, and back hurt. And when I got off work, the first thing I did was lay across the bed. It's kinda like getting a good hug from someone you really love. Only on some days, like today... better.

Sadly, everyone doesn't have the luxury of being able to lay cross the bed. But I'm really, Really, REALLY Thankful that I can.

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 5: I'm thankful for my "Twitter Fam". I say often if you don't have a good time on Twitter, you're doing it wrong. My luvs keep me laughing, keep me in trouble, keep me in their prayers, and I have no doubt I'm in their hearts as well. So thankful for @NickaS7 @Melodic98 @KeBrittain @SimplyShanWalk @gunhawk18 @Lay1269 @DGraham39 @silowet2006 @NatashaMonique_ @blackhonee @Doestaxxx @CeFranklee @Mon_235 @VirgoNeyez @itsbenzybabii @amanagainstmany @SoloSunni (and Nugget) @daddykn0wsbest @LBrothersMedia @ReidStreetSmart @JamiBeth30 @taball1 @ChunkyChikChasr

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 4: I've tried all evening to come up with something.. My heart is so heavy tonight.. So I think I'll say this.. I'm thankful for "Black Men".. I LOVE Black Men. From Cafe Au Lait to the darkest of chocolates. Their strength, their perseverance, their swag. It simply can't be matched. They are undervalued and under appreciated by so many.. but not me. I appreciate you Black Man. I love you Black Man. I need you Black Man. Stay Strong Black Man. I got your back.

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 3: I'm thankful for "Music". Music is so awesome. It is a part of every aspect of our lives. Whether sad or happy, about love or about pain, Music is everywhere. The right lyrics to a song can have you shouting in praise, two-stepping to the beat or deep down in the delta in your feelings. Music is universal and makes the world go round.

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 2: I'm thankful for "Chocolate". Listen... Whoever sat up and decided to mix up the ingredients to make chocolate needs a award. Chocolate cures what ails you and improves your mood instantly. Chocolate makes the world a better place.
(This post was preceded by the consumption of a very delicious piece of Chocolate Snickers Dream Cake)

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 1: I'm thankful for "Family". Some drive us crazy. Others keep us sane. They are so much apart of the people that we become. Family is supportive. Family is honest. Family is love. Make sure you let yours know that you love and appreciate them.

These are just a few of things that make my life worth living. Some days aren't good. But on those days, just think of one of those things that we all take for granted but that we would really miss if we didn't have. And say, Thank You. 

.................

I cried real tears today. I, like, most people sat in front of my television at 8:00 pm, waiting to hear what I already knew in my heart. Yet, I was still trying to hold on to a glimmer of hope. A small, almost indiscernible glimmer, but there nonetheless. I was watching my Twitter feed and Facebook posts and so many were posting that they too felt the same way. I think, if we're completely honest, everyone in America (and beyond) knew that Darren Wilson would not be indicted for the unnecessary, unprovoked murder of Micheal Brown. 

No, I wasn't there. No, I don't know if Micheal did attack Wilson in his car. No, I don't know if Micheal tried to go for Wilson' gun. I also don't know if Wilson shot Micheal in the back as he was running away, continued to shoot at him as he raised his hands in surrender or stood over him as he lay bleeding in the street.  I wasn't there. 

What I do know is he won't stand trial for it. I do know that the Ferguson officials and police department drew out an unnecessary, agonizing thing for 100 days that could have been decided days after it occurred. All that was wanted, all that has been asked from the beginning, was for Darren Wilson to have to stand trial. That's it. It's no doubt that it would have been a given had the tables been turned and Darren Wilson had been a Black cop killing a unarmed, white teenager. Let's be real. 

Please be clear. All that was asked was that Wilson have a trial. For him to have to be held accountable for what he did. Just like anyone else would have had to had they done what he did. But nope. In this America, it is more than okay to kill unarmed Black men and not have to worry about repercussions. Trayvon Martin. Chavis Carter. Ezell Ford, to name a few. And now Micheal Brown. People keep saying this is a racist thing. And while part of that is true, it's more about a right//wrong thing. 

My nephew, who is 4 years old, has a real tangible fear of the police. If he sees a police officer or those lights flashing, he gets scared and says something about the police "getting him" or at times, "killing us". He's FOUR! There is no reason in the world a child should be scared of those that are supposed to protect him. Except of course, we live in this America. This America where the life of a Black man is worth less than that of a dog. So damn sad.

It's a damn shame that at 4, my baby knows this fear. We try to tell him that he doesn't have to be scared of the police but I honestly think he sees the uncertainty of that statement in our eyes. Because he will say okay. But that doesn't stop the same conversation from repeating the next time we see a police officer. And sadly, in this America, it's an understandable fear. 

National HIV Testing Day

National HIV Testing Day

My Mother's Daughter

My brothers and I have an ongoing joke where we pass our Mother off on one another. We'll say, "That's YOUR Mother". It's mainly when she has done or said something off the wall. Which happens pretty regularly. So she tends to get passed around a lot. LOL.

As I've gotten older, I realize more and more that my Mom and I have a lot more in common than I would have ever believed.  I definitely get more than my good looks and great hair from her. As kid and teenager there was no way in the world I would have ever believed my Mom understood anything about how I was feeling or what I was going through. 

I mean how could she? She was Mom. And it was a different time and things were done differently now, and blah, blah, blah. It's funny how often that is said. And we're always so wrong. True, the drama kids face today may have a different look but it's still the same drama. It's the same things I went through, and my Mom before, and her Mom before her. So I'm grateful that when my Mom said I would be okay and I would get through it, she wasn't just trying to make me feel better. She knew what she was talking about. 

I've learned that in so many ways my Mom and I have lived the same life. We both are readers and revel in our solitude. Both have funny appetites that call for everything at one point and nothing at all, the next. We both were "Guys Girls", meaning we hung with the fellas more so than the girls. We both love our solitude and sleep. We firmly believe in sleeping. 

My build is all my Mom. My slightly bowed legs (no slightly to hers though, she's full on), my milk chocolate soft skin, and my great hair... All her. I get my love of life from her. My ability to forgive and let go as well as my ability to take people at their best and not dwell on the worst because in the end we all have our bad moments . All her. We love deep. And when we love, we love for real. We've both had heartache. We've both felt like outcasts and that no understood us.

And as I've recently learned,  we've both been irreparably hurt by someone that we never would have thought would hurt us. And when we confessed the hurt, no one believed us. 
That is the one thing I wish we didn't share. That is the one thing I wish neither of us had to experience. 

Some things we go through, they are like a mosquito bite. Annoying but pay it no mind and it's not lasting. You feel in that moment and for a little while after but it goes away. Other things are like a cut. It hurts. You feel it deep, It takes longer to go away and even when it does the scar is still there to remind you of it. We have the same scars. 

I think as children, one of our greatest fallacies is that we tend to forget that our parents aren't perfect... That they've made mistakes and bad decisions and gone through some things just like us. But as parents they consider it their duty to shield us from those things. And it's not an act of deception but of protection.

Parents Protect. It's what they do. It's what they were made for. Sometimes we can feel like that protection is too much (and sometimes it is), but they do the best they can. And as children we need to be more appreciative of that. They won't always be right. But their as right as the can be with the experiences that they've had.  I appreciate my Mom and her experiences. 

She's the reason I'm so GREAT! ;-)

What 2013 Taught Me...

I sit here typing this yet still can't believe it is the end of the year. Like.. literally, today is the last day. Where did the year go??? It seems like just weeks ago I was doing my "What 2012 Taught Me" blog, and here I am doing another one. Time sure seems to be moving faster than it has in the past.. Or is that just me? 

I must say 2013 started okay then kinda went downhill from there. It really wasn't a great year for me. Now that's not to say I'm not appreciative of everything or for the mere fact that I'm still here.. but, it was rough. I saw someone say online today that they couldn't understand why people were saying they had bad year seeing as how they were still alive and many others weren't. I feel like being appreciative of life is about much more than being alive. 

Some days you can't appreciate the struggle. Some days you don't know how you are gonna  go on... or even if you want to. Some days you feel like you just can't take it anymore. Those are rough days... and that's putting it mildly. I've had quite a few rough days this year.. I've shed more tears.. I've had more sad moments than I have in a while. I've had more "Why is nothing in my life going right" panics and all that. Yeah... rough. 

But I'd be remiss if I didn't also say, I've laughed. I've met some great people. I've been lucky to receive more love than ever before. And I've learned. I'm always grateful for lessons. I may not be grateful in the moment but it's always there. Lessons mean you have the chance to get it right the second time. Everyone doesn't always get a second chance. Tomorrow is not promised. 

So on to it. What 2013 Taught Me... 

Life does not happen on your time: My nephew turned 3 this year and at the top of the list of things to concerning him was to get him to go to the bathroom. He's such a intelligent child. Picks up things quickly and has an vocabulary beyond his 3 years, but going to the bathroom was not on his list of things to do... much to our frustration. We had tried it all to no avail, then one day, he just decides to start going to the bathroom... on his own. You see, no matter how much we wanted him to do it, it wasn't gonna happen until he was good and ready. He wasn't on our time. 

You have got to live life: So often we sit around and wait... and wait... and wait.. For what? The right time? When things are ideal or "perfect". The biggest lesson for me  this year is that life happens whether you are prepared for it or not. Life is good things, bad things, happy things, sad things. Many of which you will never be prepared for.  I wasn't prepared for the cancer scare I had this year, my best friend and her baby dying from pregnancy complications, or my grandmother passing away, even though she was almost 90. I wasn't prepared for the turmoil my love life became or the constant panic I was in when another friend started having pregnancy complications. She had a Beautiful baby girl this month, both are good and healthy. But those things happened and I had to find a way to deal with it. Some days I didn't think I could. But God... (my Saints will know what that means, lol).

Be Fearless: We miss out on so much because we are sitting back scared of what "MIGHT'' happen. Sometimes we concentrate on the possibly "bad" happenings much that we forget about the fact that there is also the chance of a "good" happening. Either way can be beneficial because you can get what you want, and be appreciative. Or you can not get it and learn a lesson... and be appreciative. All things give you learning potential. Be appreciative. 

My lessons this year center around being thankful for life and living it to it's fullest potential. Every day won't be good. You won't feel like being thankful all the time. But you have to remember that, you get to live. You get to get up and do it again, do it better, be a lesson to someone else. Be thankful for that. Everyone doesn't get that same chance. 

Happy New Year. Be Thankful for Life. Live it to the fullest.. EVERYDAY. It is truly one of God's greatest blessings.

Why I wasn't ready for "Best Man Holiday"

So like many other people, I was so excited about the new "Best Man". I didn't go see it when it first came out but had heard from many that it was really good but a tearjerker. 

The movie was really good and from reports I already knew there would be a death in the movie(Sorry if you haven't seen it yet). But I honesty didn't realize how much I wasn't ready. 

Though the deaths weren't related, I couldn't help but relate to the losing of a friend unexpectedly. My sister, my best friend and her baby died just 3 weeks before she was due. It was sudden. It was unexpected. It was painful. I feel the pain of that loss everyday. 

Watching them get together in the movie and reconnect and their children play and grow up together just reminded that I will never get to do that with my Sister. We had so many things planned and things left that we wanted to do. God had a different plan.

So no, I was not in any way prepared for that stark reality while watching the movie and proceeded to ball like a baby. I'm barely holding it together typing this. 

Life is so unfair sometimes. And you can't help but sometimes wonder why certain things happen to certain people. Especially those that are the best kind of people that deserve nothing but the best. 

Always appreciate and show love to those around you. Life is short. 

Sometimes the cookies burn...

You know what sucks? When you are baking cookies and when you check them, they are not quite done so you figure you'd give another minute or two. But when you check back on them, they've passed the underdone stage and gone straight to overdone and hard. And you are sitting there disappointed because you've went through the trouble of mixing, measuring, and baking only to not be able to enjoy the finished product.THAT sucks! 

If there is nothing else I've learned this past 30 years(Whoa! I'm like... 30!! *takes moment*). Okay, where was I.. oh yeah. If nothing else, I've learned that sometimes the cookies burn. Lost..? Let me explain.

You can prepare and plan and think you have everything figured out and yet sometimes still be completely lost. Because no matter how much you prep, there is still an unseen variable that could possible mess up your plan. 

But what you can't do is allow it to throw you completely off. You have to let yourself be able to make mistakes. No one is perfect. The only reason there is a recipe for cookies is because someone burned a few batches before getting it right.  

Every now and then, you have to step back and reevaluate and find an alternative. That's why it's always good to have a contingency plan. 

Oh, and those overdone and hard cookies.... break them up and put them in ice cream or throw them out. There's always the next batch. And with those you'll be more watchful. 

The beauty of life is there is always a second(or third, or fourth) chance. 

30 Slightly Random, Slightly Unknown, Slightly Weird Facts about the New 30 Year Old Me!

I like to eat plain Tortilla Chips. I don't need any dip or salsa or anything.

I love to combine my snacks with a salty and a sweet(i.e popcorn and ice cream)

I could watch House Hunters, Property Virgins, NCIS, Big Bang Theory, and any cooking show on Food Network, everyday, all day.

I want to be an Author. I am currently in the process of writing 5 different books(probably why none are finished.)

I find it hard to write the more.. "intimate" scenes in my books. That's also part of the reason why none are finished.

I wanted to be a pediatrician when I was a kid but changed my mind after learning how long it would take.

I love watching movies. "What's Love Got To Do With It? and The Color Purple are my favorite movies.

I will read just about anything. "The Coldest Winter Ever" by Sista Souljah is my favorite book.

I have a thing about things being even.. I don't particularly care for odd numbers. Which is weird considering I was born on one {23}.

I count things.. Steps, squares in the floor, number of seconds/minutes between certain things, the mile markers between exits on the interstate. It's random... and weird.

I wanted like 10 kids when I was younger... 5 naturally, 5 adopted. Yeahhhh... that plan has changed dramatically.

If I get too tickled, start laughing and can't stop, often I will start crying and/or suddenly have to pee. But the sad thing is I often can't stop laughing long enough to pee.

I can spend HOURS in the tub. No one understands it but give me a book, some music, bubbles and candles and I'm gone for at least 2-3 hours...sometimes longer.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE to read. It's my favorite pastime. And I can do it all day everyday.

The first ever sports team I loved was the Dallas Cowboys.

I've only in recent years become a fan of the NBA. My favorite team is the Boston Celtics. (well.. until Paul got traded) :-(

I love to cook. I want to go to culinary school. Though what happens after that is still undecided.

I hate leftovers. Well except for the few things you are supposed to eat the second day (chili, soup, Thanksgiving, Christmas).

I believe in "Happily Ever After". I know many today think it's as elusive as the Loch Ness Monster but I know it's there. You just have to work to get it and keep it.

I'm a sucker for a corny, romantic, "loves win in the end" movie. 

I am in the top 10 of "World's Worst Procrastinators" where it comes to anything that has to do with myself. Now other people's business... I handle with no problem. 

I really want to travel the world. As of now, the only places I've visited are Atlanta, Ga, Dallas, TX, Indianapolis, IN, St. Louis, MO, Springfield, IL, and North Carolina. 

I cannot stand the taste of coffee. Also, if you use bleach to wash your dishes I can't eat/drink from anything for a day or so because I can taste it. 

I typically tend to change the polish on my toes weekly, or at the most bi-weekly. I paint them myself. 

I had become addicted to Pinterest. So much so that I was spending hours perusing the site. I had to take a break from it. Now I only visit it once... daily. 

I am really into fashion. I don't talk about it much but I make sure and pay attention to all the trends for each season and add my spin on them. 

Bahama Breeze is one of my favorite restaurants. It also is the place where I had my first "legal" drink. It was an Amaretto Sour. 

Pineapple is my favorite fruit. I love it as a fruit, juice, soda, a candy, or on cake. 

I don't like cold fruit or salad. If it has been in the refrigerator I have to let it sit a few minutes before I eat it. 

I have worn glasses since I was about 12. I have gotten so used to seeing glasses on my face, I don't think I look right without them. 

As of today, I am 30 years old. The age I've been dreading since I turned 25. I hated for people to even refer to me as "almost 30". I don't know what it was about the number that terrified me. 

But today, I'm blessed to have made it this far. I'm thankful that I've been blessed with the life I have. It definitely has not always been smooth or easy but it has been a great ride. I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned, the trials and tribulations I've been through and what they've taught me. I'm thankful for the people that I've met and the things I've learned from them. I'm thankful for any good influence I've had on anyone else. 

I'm thankful for my family and friends and for always them being there for me. I'm thankful for God continuing to love me even we have a difference of opinion. 

I'm thankful for the first 30 years and excited about the next 30. 

Be Blessed. 

A Few Unknown "Shani" facts...

Did you know...?

1)Stemming from a traumatic experience as a child at the zoo, Shani was afraid of giraffes. 

2)If she could have had her way, Shani could have existed off of "Good" ice cream and juice.. and often did. 

3)She loved playing video games. Super Mario Kart (Wii) was one of her favorite games. 

4)If you ever had the privilege to view her website, you know she had a way with words like no other. But what you may not know was that she also was working several books (cookbook, fiction, life lessons).

5)Her favorite color was purple. She slightly detested pink but could deal with it when combined with other bright colors. 

6)She was the one that gave me my Twitter name "Candii_Pants". She called me "Pants" in real life and was often the cause of other people doing it as well. 

7)One of her favorite movies was "Groundhog Day".. which leads me to..

8)One of Shani's  favorite holidays was "Groundhog Day". Because it marks 6 months until her birthday. That's usually when she would start planning the festivities. 

9)Shani was always re-inventing herself. She got bored quickly and that definitely included her look. It was nothing for her to have black hair on Monday, and brown hair on Tuesday. Length was also subject to change at any moment. 

10)She was an AWESOME cook! I mean the girl could put things together that you would have never thought of and they would be nirvana to the taste buds. 

Today would have been my bestie, Shani's 36th Birthday. She always made a HUGE deal about her birthday. It would often be a celebration that lasted over a few days that included festivities with her hubby, her mom, and her girls. She considered her birthday her "New Year". Unfortunately, my sister left this earth on May 3, 2013. She isn't here to celebrate and though I hate it, I don't yet have it in me to celebrate without her. Not publicly anyway. I'll have my own private celebration. 

I Love You Shani. <3

To Be or Not To Be... Seen?

You ever have those moments where you make an off-hand comment, typically meaning nothing but upon further scrutiny really says a lot? This happened to me recently. 

I was talking to my guy about the day out I had had with my friend Kellee. It was a typical "Girls Day" that included shopping at various stores, eating, girl talk, and of course checking for guys. I was particularly interested in sharing the part about the guys because it had occurred to me that day that I no longer was that girl. I no longer go out with the intention of picking up a guy. I realized that this was because I felt my guy provided what I needed so I no outside interest was necessary. I thought it cool to share this particular point of interest with my guy because I figured it would put a smile on his face. (It did :-)) 

As I was sharing the interaction between my girl and one of the many guys we'd encountered that day, my guy asked if any of the guys had showed an interest in me? 

My immediate response was "No, Guys don't see me when I'm with Kellee." 

It was automatic. It was honest. But it wasn't until I noticed the confusion/disbelief on his face that I realized how much weight my comment actually had. 

Kellee and I are both pretty brown skin girls that wear glasses and have natural hair (though I'm still transitioning). She is slightly taller than my 5'4 1/2" in and has legs for days. That is where our similarity in looks ends. Kellee is a size 7 and I a size 24. She's also very outspoken and will start a conversation with anybody. I'm more quiet, more sit back and watch.

I can't tell you how many times we've been out and approached by a guy(s), that speak or acknowledge me as an afterthought. It wasn't something that I paid much attention to. In fact,  I've always laughed about it or even made a joke because it never surprised me. 

Anyway, it wasn't until I said that to my guy that I realized that somewhere along the way I had come to accept being invisible. I've never been one that had to be the center of attention but I've always held my own. I've lost that. And I don't like it.  

Baby Boom

It seems that 2013 is going to be a great year for so many of my friends. Three (so far) great couples I know are going to become parents for the first time. I’m so excited for them. I know they are going to make great parents. So I got to thinking I know there are plenty of parenting books, blogs, magazines out to tell you everything under the sun about kids but I figured I’d add a few things from my point of view.

Well first let me clarify… I’m not technically a “parent”. I mean, I haven’t had any kids personally. I’m not a mother. But as I have been taking care of my nephew since he was six weeks old, I’m qualified to use the word “Parent”. There have been many lessons over the past 2 ½ and some were learned the hard way. Here are some of my top ones…

Just go ahead and accept that there you won’t be using the bathroom in peace for a few years… This of course becomes more of a problem when they start crawling or walking but even as an infant, you are still hesitant to leave them alone for too long. (We've all heard those “I only left him for a second” stories). Of course, if you have a toddler, you won’t have to worry about leaving them alone because unless they are in a play pen or some other way ensconced, they will be knocking at the door (or in Tahj’s case, opening it). I've learned that kids think you going to the bathroom mean you want to talk. Hopefully you’ll have someone else around to help and y’all will be able to take turns. (Note: This also applies to showers)

You need to also accept that your days of eating a meal or having a drink alone are also over. Now of course there will be things that a child can’t eat or drink but I promise that won’t stop them from trying.  You will also need to accept that your meals will at times will be a lot more kid-oriented because sometimes it’s just easier that way (Chicken nuggets anyone?) Speaking of Chicken nuggets, as your kid gets old enough to eat solid food; they will definitely become a staple in your home. A lot of people like to hit up McDonald’s on the regular but I find it’s easier (and cheaper) to just keep a bag in the freezer.  Or make your own. Also be aware that your child will have food preferences and that they will change. Tahj loves bananas, grapes, and pears. He doesn't like apples but likes applesauce. He likes potatoes, broccoli, and salad; doesn't like green beans or white rice. He doesn't like eggs, LOVES oatmeal. When he was younger he wouldn't eat bacon, now he requests it.  As a matter of fact, if we let him, he could live on chicken nuggets, French fries, bananas, bacon, and oatmeal.

You will come to reverently appreciate any kid-friendly television program that keeps your kids attention for more than 5 minutes. Now I know a lot of parents don’t want their kids just sitting in front of the television for hours. But 30 minutes or an hour here or there certainly won’t hurt. Tahj loves music so “Yo Gabba Gabba!” has become a favorite of his. Plus they teach through song. Trust me… You’ll need that half hour.

You will suddenly acquire a pet… that pet would be a parrot. Tahj repeats EVERYTHING! Thankfully he doesn't say the bad words. As a matter of fact he admonishes us not to say them. But everything else is fair game. He even gets the different nuances of your voice accurate.

As they grow older, they will become fiercely independent. They will think that they can do any and everything by themselves. On one hand that’s exactly what you want. You want them to be self-assured and confident. You want them to be able to take care of themselves. But, it also makes you feel a little sad. As time goes on, your “baby” won’t need you as much anymore. That stings a little. But you have to just suck it up and let them grow up. Of course there will be things they think they can do/handle that they can’t and you’ll have to step in but for me that’s just a little reminder that he’ll always need me in some way. J

Kids are tough… and resilient. And with Tahj, it seems like it’s multiplied. He is forever bumping into, falling off of, running into, and hitting some body part on… SOMETHING! My heart jumps to my throat on a daily basis dealing with him. He has so many cuts, scraps, and bruises on his body that people that don’t know any better might think he was abused. But I've learned to base my reaction based on his reaction. If he doesn't make a big deal about it, I don’t. If he cries he’s hurt, I “kiss it better” and we move on. Don’t dwell on it so he doesn't dwell on it. Most often, 10 seconds or so later he’s fine.

Don’t judge your child’s accomplishments based on other people’s thoughts or children. Children, just like people move at their own pace. Tahj stopped drinking from a bottle at 9 months, was walking by 1, and knew his ABCs and could count to 10 before he was 2. He’s a smart kid and picks up things quickly but he has setbacks too. Like this whole potty training thing is just not on his list of priorities. He’s about to be 3 and people have been like “Well, my little Danny was potty trained at 18 months”. Okay, good for Danny. There are things that Tahj can do that Danny can’t. Each kid is different. And of course environment plays a part in that as well.

Last but not least, get prepared to become “that” person. The one that everything that comes out of your mouth has to do with your child and their numerous “I know this is common and every kid does it but not like how my kid did it” achievements. I used to talk about those people… then I became one. The first year of Tahj’s life every other statement was about him.  But it’s hard not to when you are spending so much time with one little perfect person. And because they are that little perfect person everything that they do is newsworthy.

I think the best thing I can say is to just follow your instincts. Regardless of what the books say, your Mom says, or other parents say, do what feels good to you. 

Which Are You?

Grandmother Says... Carrots, Eggs, or Coffee; "Which are you?"

A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.

Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, "Tell me what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they got soft.She then asked her to take an egg and break it.

After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.

Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma. The granddaughter then asked. "What's the point,grandmother?"

Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity--boiling water--but each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her granddaughter.

"When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I?

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?

Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level?

---AUTHOR UNKNOWN

*I didn't write this. I came across it on Facebook and thought it so thought provoking that it needed to be shared. We all go through things. You can either let your situation change you... or change your situation. Your choice.*

What 2012 Taught Me

*Note: This post is 2 days late because as I was about to post it  on New Year's Eve, my laptop decided to act a monkey and totally erase my post. I had not saved it yet which meant I would have to retype the whole thing. That wasn't possible that night or yesterday so... here you are. *

What 2012 Taught Me:

It’s the end of another year and what better a time than to reflect on all the lessons learned and experiences had. 2012 was a pretty decent year for me. It was definitely better than 2011. For that, I’m extremely thankful. The past 12 months have been very educational for me… as a woman, as a sister, as a friend. As they say, “You live and you learn”. A few things I've learned this year…

Buck the Rules: Now I know we have rules for a reason. Whether it is to keep us safe or out of trouble, rules are needed. But I’m talking about “Life” rules. Far too often, we go through life living it as other people see fit. We do things as to not go against the grain… or have people looking down on you. But what kind of life is that? The very best thing you could ever do for you in life is to do what makes you happy. Sometimes that involves bucking the rules. This, in my opinion, makes it so much more fun.

Don’t make rash decisions based on temporary emotions: When we are angry or upset, or our emotions are high… we may not be thinking clearly or rationally and that is the worst time to make a life altering decision. It is always best to think things through. I like to weigh the pros and cons of everything (I am also a Libra, the sign of the Scales). While everything tends to have its pluses and minuses, you never want to make a life altering rash decision based on how you’re feeling at the time and then later realize it was the wrong one. Some things you can’t take back and I’m sorry doesn't always cut it.

Have a plan: This one kind of piggybacks off the previous one but it is relevant nonetheless. I think one of the worst things to do is decide to do something without fully having a plan. You need to know what you want, how you plan to get it, and what you are going to do if the original plan doesn't work out. You need to have a plan A… and B… and possibly C. It’s good to be prepared for any curves life chooses to suddenly throw at you.

Don’t stress over what you can’t change: I must say, this is probably the biggest lesson for me. I admit I have control issues. I don’t think I’m that bad, but it’s definitely there. I want the people I love and care about to live their best life. I want them to be healthy. I want them to be happy. I want them to plan and save and organize. I want them to do the things I KNOW will make their lives better. (See that control freak coming out?). The problem with that is when those things don’t happen, it frustrates me. Which makes me mad or sad or irritated… which leads me to stressing… which then affects my overall being. I have realized that the best thing I can do is provide information and let people decide whether they want to use it or not. In the end, I've done my part. I can’t change others, but I can change me.

I’m going into 2013 with a better sense of the Me that I am and the Me that I want to be. 2013 will be the year of ME! I can’t wait.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Lessons Learned

I try to make it my business to treat every life experience as a Life Lesson. Whether it is good or bad, happy or sad, I aim to make sure I learn the lesson from the experience. This is especially true of relationships… both friendly and mate-related.

I'm happy to be able to say that though I may not have realized it at the time; I have learned something from every relationship I have been in. Whether it was something about me, men, or love in general, I take the lesson and apply it to my life in whatever capacity it is needed. I like to think it has made me a better person.

I won't bore you with tales of ALL of my "love gone wrong" experiences but there are a few that stand out. Generally, these are the ones that lasted longer than a minute. 

I thought about changing the names to protect the not-so-innocent but then said whatever. This is my blog, my thoughts, my life. They were a part of it and not a secret part so... *shrug*. 

In no particular order, the lessons I've learned through my attempt to find everlasting love:

Brandon and I had more of a pseudo relationship. We were never really together though we kind of acted like it over the course of a few years. Mainly when were between other relationships. From Brandon, I learned that everything can line up perfectly and things still are not meant to be. We were MADE for each other... but we weren't. No matter how much we wanted it to work, it never did. We too are still friends. 

Terrence was the first guy I ever thought I loved. I mean he was my FIRST. And unfortunately I was blinded by that love. Now don't get me wrong, that blindness was self-inflicted. He was always honest... his brand of honest anyway. We attempted relationships over the years when we both in-between others. It never lasted long.  From Terrence, I learned that Actions Speak Louder Than Words. Terrence could be a politician, his tongue is that smooth. He says all the right things but when it comes time for action, there is nothing there. We don't talk anymore, but I would say we are cordial when in each other's presence. 

James and I got together kinda by a fluke. A friend was interested in him but he was interested in me. Spending time with them trying to get them together actually just made us feel each other more (terrible I know). James came with Momma issues, Baby Mother Issues, and lazy man issues. From James, I learned that putting your all into making someone else's life easy as possible is only good if they are doing the same for you. 

Twain was my longest relationship to date. We started off as friends and that eventually led to more. We lasted 2 years. Because we started off rough due to some slight wrongness on my part, I did everything thing I could to make him happy. That included changing me. From Twain, I learned the worst thing you could ever do in a relationship is lose yourself. I gave up every part of who I was to make him happy yet I was miserable. It ended badly but I still have love for him. We're friends now.

Now I don't want you to think that I am bashing these men, because that is not what I am doing. They are generally good guys… they just weren't good for me. Or rather, we weren't good for each other after a while. I don't regret any of the time spent with any of them. If it wasn't good while it lasted, it had its good moments, and for that I will always be appreciative. 

Every life experience is a lesson. Sometimes it’s a hard lesson. Sometimes it’s an easy one. Sometimes it’s a lesson in heartbreak. Sometimes it’s a lesson in how love truly triumphs. You never know until you go through it. 

I know people that are out here avoiding relationships because they don't want to risk getting hurt. What they may not realize is there is a lesson in that as well... one of fear. You can't live your best life being fearful of what might happen. You have to take a chance. If it works out, cool. If it doesn't, look for the lesson. That way you'll know what to do the next time you are in that situation. 

I've learned a lot about love over the past 10 years. But I've learned even more about myself. I LOVE love. I love the experiences love can bring. I've learned that love comes in different forms and is different for everybody. Love heals. Love hurts. But it is something that we all need to survive. 

It is as vital to us as breathing.