I Want My Happily Ever After

Every since I was a young girl and first fell in love with reading, my go to has always been a the love story. When I discovered Harlequin Romance novels I was in heaven. My life was definitely not a fairy tale and reading always allowed me to disappear into a much sweeter world.

I will admit that reading those books also shaped my belief in how love, marriages, and relationships work. Or so I thought. I honestly believed in a world where people purposed to be together, were faithful to one another, and where love(and marriage) always wins in the end. Yeah, I was terribly naive.

I didn't know many people that were actually married when I was young. Just folks that had been together for a long time. Other than my grandparents, and Aunt Vern and Uncle Ed(they are divorced now by the way), everyone else was just.. together.

Then when I got older I started meeting couples who were madly in love and married... and Happy. I was ecstatic. It was my fairy tale dreams come to life. I watched and learned and couldn't wait until that became my world. Then the roof caved in..

Many years ago it seemed an epidemic trend where many of those wonderful couples I had watched and couldn't wait to emulate, started falling apart. I started to learn of infidelity, and people putting on grand fronts, abuse, and eventually divorce. I couldn't believe it. Where was my "happily ever after, good and bad, until death due us part" love???

Death suddenly had a different meaning.

And I'm not ashamed to admit that in my naivete it was very shocking.. sometimes painful, as I had become quite close to some. Everything I had believed suddenly became lies. I didn't know how to deal. And because some of those separations were quite ugly, and in some cases I was directly impacted, it really killed my belief in "happily eveer after". I mean, if these great people couldn't do it, what chance did I have? And I also had a plethora of married men in my face. None of which had any shame about being married. I'll admit, I got caught up a time or two. Unknowingly became the other woman. Yeah, those "You been with my husband?" conversations were fun. Smh.

The "relationships" I was in during and following this period did nothing to rekindle that flame for true love that had been blown out. I just started to believe maybe it wasn't for me. I accepted that as my fate. I would find someone I could moderately tolerate with no real expectations and that would be it. At least I wouldn't be alone. There would be times I would be watching a romantic movie or reading a book or even listening to a love some and I would think, "I want that. I deserve that". All the while not really believing it to be my fate. I mean, that was make believe, remember.

I don't know if it was the birth of my son(which is a love like nothing I've ever known), or the sudden influx of babies and engagements and weddings of those around me, but I've noticed recently that that hard shell around my heart has been cracking and chipping away. And I realize that I still want the love that I deserve. I want to be somebody's wife. I want to call someone my husband. I want my son to grow up in a home where love is freely and abunantly shown and where he is given a great example of the man he is supposed to be to the woman he loves. I want him to grow up knowing love is a real tangible thing and achiveable by anyone willing to put the work in. I want marriage, not living together, not boyfriend/girlfriend, not "we together" to be his goal.

I want to wake up every morning in the arms of the man that absoultely can't imagine his life without me and he shows it, EVERY DAY. I want an all encompassing, "Always and Forever", until the end of time love.

I want my fairy tale. I want my Happily Ever After.

Over It...

It's official....
I am completely over being pregnant. 
Now... Don't get me wrong... I recognize and acknowledge the miracle that pregnancy is.. I know there are those that relish in the experience. And those that would give anything to be able to have the experience. I take nothing away from them. 
But for me... I'm over it.
I'm over the exhaustion.
I'm over the limitations on my body. 
I'm over not being able to walk up a flight of stairs, take a shower, or get dressed without getting out of breath.
I'm over the appetite issues... Cravings and restrictions.
I'm over an the "advice".
I'm over all the predictions and restrictions already being placed on my unborn son.
I'm over not being able get comfortable enough to get a decent night's sleep. 
I'm over being hot all the time.
I'm thankful for the blessing that is my son. But I'm completely over the process of getting him here.

Confession

My brother asked me the other day is I had been putting headphones on my belly so that the baby could hear music? I just kinda shrugged and was like, not directly.

The truth of the matter is I haven't been doing any off the things I thought I would when I became pregnant. And it's not because I don't want to, its because I'm scared to. 

What am I scared of, you ask? I'm scared to get close to and connect with my child because I have a palpable fear that I may not get to raise him. Now I know there are risks in all pregnancies but that's not really where my concern comes from.. 

I honestly, more than anything feel like it's a lack of Faith. My best friend died two years ago less than a month before her baby was to be born. She had had no complications. And had even been to the doctor the week before and everything was fine. Almost overnight, she developed gestational diabetes. And it was so extreme and not treated quickly enough, so both her and the baby died. 

I know... It happens. We are not in control. God is. And when He calls you, it's time. Thing is, Shani was one of the best people in this world. She loved with no abandon and was truly a blessing to everyone that knew her. And more than anything, she wanted to be a mother. She went through a lot trying to become a mother. So when it finally happened, we were all ecstatic. 

She wanted it. She planned for it. She went through hell to get it. And she died because of it. That is a pain I don't think will ever go away. 

So why, when someone that wanted something so bad and DESERVED IT didn't get to experience it, should I? Why should I get my happy when she didn't?

I didn't plan this baby. Especially considering the environment I'm currently in.. My ideal has always been to be in love and married (or at least committed) and settled before any kids came about. And that certainly is not my current life.

I'm terrified of making a connection with my child and then losing him. It makes me hesitant to talk to him, to think of a future with him. Hell, I'm almost 8 months pregnant and still undecided on a name. I haven't bought one thing either. 

And that's the other thing.. Shani and I always talked about raising our children together. We shopped for baby/kid stuff when the thought of having a kid was a distant thought. We talked about names, and parenting practices and how if anything ever happened to one of us, the other would raise our kid. 

A more than ten year friendship where we shared everything and I don't get to share this with her. Its impossible for me to go in a store and pick up something baby related and not be sad I can't ask her opinion on it. It's been Hell not being able to call her and share the pains and gains of my pregnancy like she did with me. 

Every milestone of my life since I was 17, she has been a part of.  I don't know how to do this without her. And there is such a big part of me that feels like I don't deserve it. 

My Mother's Daughter

My brothers and I have an ongoing joke where we pass our Mother off on one another. We'll say, "That's YOUR Mother". It's mainly when she has done or said something off the wall. Which happens pretty regularly. So she tends to get passed around a lot. LOL.

As I've gotten older, I realize more and more that my Mom and I have a lot more in common than I would have ever believed.  I definitely get more than my good looks and great hair from her. As kid and teenager there was no way in the world I would have ever believed my Mom understood anything about how I was feeling or what I was going through. 

I mean how could she? She was Mom. And it was a different time and things were done differently now, and blah, blah, blah. It's funny how often that is said. And we're always so wrong. True, the drama kids face today may have a different look but it's still the same drama. It's the same things I went through, and my Mom before, and her Mom before her. So I'm grateful that when my Mom said I would be okay and I would get through it, she wasn't just trying to make me feel better. She knew what she was talking about. 

I've learned that in so many ways my Mom and I have lived the same life. We both are readers and revel in our solitude. Both have funny appetites that call for everything at one point and nothing at all, the next. We both were "Guys Girls", meaning we hung with the fellas more so than the girls. We both love our solitude and sleep. We firmly believe in sleeping. 

My build is all my Mom. My slightly bowed legs (no slightly to hers though, she's full on), my milk chocolate soft skin, and my great hair... All her. I get my love of life from her. My ability to forgive and let go as well as my ability to take people at their best and not dwell on the worst because in the end we all have our bad moments . All her. We love deep. And when we love, we love for real. We've both had heartache. We've both felt like outcasts and that no understood us.

And as I've recently learned,  we've both been irreparably hurt by someone that we never would have thought would hurt us. And when we confessed the hurt, no one believed us. 
That is the one thing I wish we didn't share. That is the one thing I wish neither of us had to experience. 

Some things we go through, they are like a mosquito bite. Annoying but pay it no mind and it's not lasting. You feel in that moment and for a little while after but it goes away. Other things are like a cut. It hurts. You feel it deep, It takes longer to go away and even when it does the scar is still there to remind you of it. We have the same scars. 

I think as children, one of our greatest fallacies is that we tend to forget that our parents aren't perfect... That they've made mistakes and bad decisions and gone through some things just like us. But as parents they consider it their duty to shield us from those things. And it's not an act of deception but of protection.

Parents Protect. It's what they do. It's what they were made for. Sometimes we can feel like that protection is too much (and sometimes it is), but they do the best they can. And as children we need to be more appreciative of that. They won't always be right. But their as right as the can be with the experiences that they've had.  I appreciate my Mom and her experiences. 

She's the reason I'm so GREAT! ;-)

Why I wasn't ready for "Best Man Holiday"

So like many other people, I was so excited about the new "Best Man". I didn't go see it when it first came out but had heard from many that it was really good but a tearjerker. 

The movie was really good and from reports I already knew there would be a death in the movie(Sorry if you haven't seen it yet). But I honesty didn't realize how much I wasn't ready. 

Though the deaths weren't related, I couldn't help but relate to the losing of a friend unexpectedly. My sister, my best friend and her baby died just 3 weeks before she was due. It was sudden. It was unexpected. It was painful. I feel the pain of that loss everyday. 

Watching them get together in the movie and reconnect and their children play and grow up together just reminded that I will never get to do that with my Sister. We had so many things planned and things left that we wanted to do. God had a different plan.

So no, I was not in any way prepared for that stark reality while watching the movie and proceeded to ball like a baby. I'm barely holding it together typing this. 

Life is so unfair sometimes. And you can't help but sometimes wonder why certain things happen to certain people. Especially those that are the best kind of people that deserve nothing but the best. 

Always appreciate and show love to those around you. Life is short. 

30 Slightly Random, Slightly Unknown, Slightly Weird Facts about the New 30 Year Old Me!

I like to eat plain Tortilla Chips. I don't need any dip or salsa or anything.

I love to combine my snacks with a salty and a sweet(i.e popcorn and ice cream)

I could watch House Hunters, Property Virgins, NCIS, Big Bang Theory, and any cooking show on Food Network, everyday, all day.

I want to be an Author. I am currently in the process of writing 5 different books(probably why none are finished.)

I find it hard to write the more.. "intimate" scenes in my books. That's also part of the reason why none are finished.

I wanted to be a pediatrician when I was a kid but changed my mind after learning how long it would take.

I love watching movies. "What's Love Got To Do With It? and The Color Purple are my favorite movies.

I will read just about anything. "The Coldest Winter Ever" by Sista Souljah is my favorite book.

I have a thing about things being even.. I don't particularly care for odd numbers. Which is weird considering I was born on one {23}.

I count things.. Steps, squares in the floor, number of seconds/minutes between certain things, the mile markers between exits on the interstate. It's random... and weird.

I wanted like 10 kids when I was younger... 5 naturally, 5 adopted. Yeahhhh... that plan has changed dramatically.

If I get too tickled, start laughing and can't stop, often I will start crying and/or suddenly have to pee. But the sad thing is I often can't stop laughing long enough to pee.

I can spend HOURS in the tub. No one understands it but give me a book, some music, bubbles and candles and I'm gone for at least 2-3 hours...sometimes longer.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE to read. It's my favorite pastime. And I can do it all day everyday.

The first ever sports team I loved was the Dallas Cowboys.

I've only in recent years become a fan of the NBA. My favorite team is the Boston Celtics. (well.. until Paul got traded) :-(

I love to cook. I want to go to culinary school. Though what happens after that is still undecided.

I hate leftovers. Well except for the few things you are supposed to eat the second day (chili, soup, Thanksgiving, Christmas).

I believe in "Happily Ever After". I know many today think it's as elusive as the Loch Ness Monster but I know it's there. You just have to work to get it and keep it.

I'm a sucker for a corny, romantic, "loves win in the end" movie. 

I am in the top 10 of "World's Worst Procrastinators" where it comes to anything that has to do with myself. Now other people's business... I handle with no problem. 

I really want to travel the world. As of now, the only places I've visited are Atlanta, Ga, Dallas, TX, Indianapolis, IN, St. Louis, MO, Springfield, IL, and North Carolina. 

I cannot stand the taste of coffee. Also, if you use bleach to wash your dishes I can't eat/drink from anything for a day or so because I can taste it. 

I typically tend to change the polish on my toes weekly, or at the most bi-weekly. I paint them myself. 

I had become addicted to Pinterest. So much so that I was spending hours perusing the site. I had to take a break from it. Now I only visit it once... daily. 

I am really into fashion. I don't talk about it much but I make sure and pay attention to all the trends for each season and add my spin on them. 

Bahama Breeze is one of my favorite restaurants. It also is the place where I had my first "legal" drink. It was an Amaretto Sour. 

Pineapple is my favorite fruit. I love it as a fruit, juice, soda, a candy, or on cake. 

I don't like cold fruit or salad. If it has been in the refrigerator I have to let it sit a few minutes before I eat it. 

I have worn glasses since I was about 12. I have gotten so used to seeing glasses on my face, I don't think I look right without them. 

As of today, I am 30 years old. The age I've been dreading since I turned 25. I hated for people to even refer to me as "almost 30". I don't know what it was about the number that terrified me. 

But today, I'm blessed to have made it this far. I'm thankful that I've been blessed with the life I have. It definitely has not always been smooth or easy but it has been a great ride. I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned, the trials and tribulations I've been through and what they've taught me. I'm thankful for the people that I've met and the things I've learned from them. I'm thankful for any good influence I've had on anyone else. 

I'm thankful for my family and friends and for always them being there for me. I'm thankful for God continuing to love me even we have a difference of opinion. 

I'm thankful for the first 30 years and excited about the next 30. 

Be Blessed. 

Baby Boom

It seems that 2013 is going to be a great year for so many of my friends. Three (so far) great couples I know are going to become parents for the first time. I’m so excited for them. I know they are going to make great parents. So I got to thinking I know there are plenty of parenting books, blogs, magazines out to tell you everything under the sun about kids but I figured I’d add a few things from my point of view.

Well first let me clarify… I’m not technically a “parent”. I mean, I haven’t had any kids personally. I’m not a mother. But as I have been taking care of my nephew since he was six weeks old, I’m qualified to use the word “Parent”. There have been many lessons over the past 2 ½ and some were learned the hard way. Here are some of my top ones…

Just go ahead and accept that there you won’t be using the bathroom in peace for a few years… This of course becomes more of a problem when they start crawling or walking but even as an infant, you are still hesitant to leave them alone for too long. (We've all heard those “I only left him for a second” stories). Of course, if you have a toddler, you won’t have to worry about leaving them alone because unless they are in a play pen or some other way ensconced, they will be knocking at the door (or in Tahj’s case, opening it). I've learned that kids think you going to the bathroom mean you want to talk. Hopefully you’ll have someone else around to help and y’all will be able to take turns. (Note: This also applies to showers)

You need to also accept that your days of eating a meal or having a drink alone are also over. Now of course there will be things that a child can’t eat or drink but I promise that won’t stop them from trying.  You will also need to accept that your meals will at times will be a lot more kid-oriented because sometimes it’s just easier that way (Chicken nuggets anyone?) Speaking of Chicken nuggets, as your kid gets old enough to eat solid food; they will definitely become a staple in your home. A lot of people like to hit up McDonald’s on the regular but I find it’s easier (and cheaper) to just keep a bag in the freezer.  Or make your own. Also be aware that your child will have food preferences and that they will change. Tahj loves bananas, grapes, and pears. He doesn't like apples but likes applesauce. He likes potatoes, broccoli, and salad; doesn't like green beans or white rice. He doesn't like eggs, LOVES oatmeal. When he was younger he wouldn't eat bacon, now he requests it.  As a matter of fact, if we let him, he could live on chicken nuggets, French fries, bananas, bacon, and oatmeal.

You will come to reverently appreciate any kid-friendly television program that keeps your kids attention for more than 5 minutes. Now I know a lot of parents don’t want their kids just sitting in front of the television for hours. But 30 minutes or an hour here or there certainly won’t hurt. Tahj loves music so “Yo Gabba Gabba!” has become a favorite of his. Plus they teach through song. Trust me… You’ll need that half hour.

You will suddenly acquire a pet… that pet would be a parrot. Tahj repeats EVERYTHING! Thankfully he doesn't say the bad words. As a matter of fact he admonishes us not to say them. But everything else is fair game. He even gets the different nuances of your voice accurate.

As they grow older, they will become fiercely independent. They will think that they can do any and everything by themselves. On one hand that’s exactly what you want. You want them to be self-assured and confident. You want them to be able to take care of themselves. But, it also makes you feel a little sad. As time goes on, your “baby” won’t need you as much anymore. That stings a little. But you have to just suck it up and let them grow up. Of course there will be things they think they can do/handle that they can’t and you’ll have to step in but for me that’s just a little reminder that he’ll always need me in some way. J

Kids are tough… and resilient. And with Tahj, it seems like it’s multiplied. He is forever bumping into, falling off of, running into, and hitting some body part on… SOMETHING! My heart jumps to my throat on a daily basis dealing with him. He has so many cuts, scraps, and bruises on his body that people that don’t know any better might think he was abused. But I've learned to base my reaction based on his reaction. If he doesn't make a big deal about it, I don’t. If he cries he’s hurt, I “kiss it better” and we move on. Don’t dwell on it so he doesn't dwell on it. Most often, 10 seconds or so later he’s fine.

Don’t judge your child’s accomplishments based on other people’s thoughts or children. Children, just like people move at their own pace. Tahj stopped drinking from a bottle at 9 months, was walking by 1, and knew his ABCs and could count to 10 before he was 2. He’s a smart kid and picks up things quickly but he has setbacks too. Like this whole potty training thing is just not on his list of priorities. He’s about to be 3 and people have been like “Well, my little Danny was potty trained at 18 months”. Okay, good for Danny. There are things that Tahj can do that Danny can’t. Each kid is different. And of course environment plays a part in that as well.

Last but not least, get prepared to become “that” person. The one that everything that comes out of your mouth has to do with your child and their numerous “I know this is common and every kid does it but not like how my kid did it” achievements. I used to talk about those people… then I became one. The first year of Tahj’s life every other statement was about him.  But it’s hard not to when you are spending so much time with one little perfect person. And because they are that little perfect person everything that they do is newsworthy.

I think the best thing I can say is to just follow your instincts. Regardless of what the books say, your Mom says, or other parents say, do what feels good to you. 

Spend Time.. Not Money

I just don't understand why people feel like they don't have to spend quality time with their kids. Talk to them, play with them, teach them!!I mean there are too many people that feel like just cause your kid rocking the new J's, you are a good parent. I'm not saying dressing your kids nice is wrong necessarily but you have to teach them to not get hung up on material things. Because that doesn't determine the kind of person that they are. But what have you put INTO them though? Are you teaching them any morals and values? Or do you think it's cute that your 2 yr old knows all the words to the hottest song? But doesn't know her ABC's or how to count. Are you reading to them or sitting them in front of the TV all day? Are you teaching your daughters to respect themselves?  That she doesn't have to degrade herself or act like she's dumb for attention. Are you teaching your sons to respect women? That he shouldn't want to be the guy who has been with 100 different woman. Are you teaching them that education is important?  I have seen with my own eyes. Your child has on the best clothes, has the latest game, phone, Ipod, but they're acting up school, being disrespectful or worse not learning anything. 
You have to speak LIFE into your children. You have to show them LOVE everyday. Tell them they are great EVERYDAY! Not "You gone be just like your no good daddy" or "You so stupid, dumb, lazy, etc". I get so tired of hearing that. THERE IS POWER IN WORDS!! THERE IS POWER IN WORDS!! THERE IS POWER IN WORDS!! You should always want your children to be the BEST they cant be. You should always want your children to be BETTER than you. You have to teach them that there is nothing they can not achieve with hard work and determination. YOU are supposed to be their role model. Not Lil Wayne, Beyonce', Kim Kardashian, or LeBron James. Your children are supposed to say, "I want to be just like my Mom when I grow up" or "My Dad is the Greatest Man I know". People We Need To Step It Up.