I Want My Happily Ever After

Every since I was a young girl and first fell in love with reading, my go to has always been a the love story. When I discovered Harlequin Romance novels I was in heaven. My life was definitely not a fairy tale and reading always allowed me to disappear into a much sweeter world.

I will admit that reading those books also shaped my belief in how love, marriages, and relationships work. Or so I thought. I honestly believed in a world where people purposed to be together, were faithful to one another, and where love(and marriage) always wins in the end. Yeah, I was terribly naive.

I didn't know many people that were actually married when I was young. Just folks that had been together for a long time. Other than my grandparents, and Aunt Vern and Uncle Ed(they are divorced now by the way), everyone else was just.. together.

Then when I got older I started meeting couples who were madly in love and married... and Happy. I was ecstatic. It was my fairy tale dreams come to life. I watched and learned and couldn't wait until that became my world. Then the roof caved in..

Many years ago it seemed an epidemic trend where many of those wonderful couples I had watched and couldn't wait to emulate, started falling apart. I started to learn of infidelity, and people putting on grand fronts, abuse, and eventually divorce. I couldn't believe it. Where was my "happily ever after, good and bad, until death due us part" love???

Death suddenly had a different meaning.

And I'm not ashamed to admit that in my naivete it was very shocking.. sometimes painful, as I had become quite close to some. Everything I had believed suddenly became lies. I didn't know how to deal. And because some of those separations were quite ugly, and in some cases I was directly impacted, it really killed my belief in "happily eveer after". I mean, if these great people couldn't do it, what chance did I have? And I also had a plethora of married men in my face. None of which had any shame about being married. I'll admit, I got caught up a time or two. Unknowingly became the other woman. Yeah, those "You been with my husband?" conversations were fun. Smh.

The "relationships" I was in during and following this period did nothing to rekindle that flame for true love that had been blown out. I just started to believe maybe it wasn't for me. I accepted that as my fate. I would find someone I could moderately tolerate with no real expectations and that would be it. At least I wouldn't be alone. There would be times I would be watching a romantic movie or reading a book or even listening to a love some and I would think, "I want that. I deserve that". All the while not really believing it to be my fate. I mean, that was make believe, remember.

I don't know if it was the birth of my son(which is a love like nothing I've ever known), or the sudden influx of babies and engagements and weddings of those around me, but I've noticed recently that that hard shell around my heart has been cracking and chipping away. And I realize that I still want the love that I deserve. I want to be somebody's wife. I want to call someone my husband. I want my son to grow up in a home where love is freely and abunantly shown and where he is given a great example of the man he is supposed to be to the woman he loves. I want him to grow up knowing love is a real tangible thing and achiveable by anyone willing to put the work in. I want marriage, not living together, not boyfriend/girlfriend, not "we together" to be his goal.

I want to wake up every morning in the arms of the man that absoultely can't imagine his life without me and he shows it, EVERY DAY. I want an all encompassing, "Always and Forever", until the end of time love.

I want my fairy tale. I want my Happily Ever After.

Confession

My brother asked me the other day is I had been putting headphones on my belly so that the baby could hear music? I just kinda shrugged and was like, not directly.

The truth of the matter is I haven't been doing any off the things I thought I would when I became pregnant. And it's not because I don't want to, its because I'm scared to. 

What am I scared of, you ask? I'm scared to get close to and connect with my child because I have a palpable fear that I may not get to raise him. Now I know there are risks in all pregnancies but that's not really where my concern comes from.. 

I honestly, more than anything feel like it's a lack of Faith. My best friend died two years ago less than a month before her baby was to be born. She had had no complications. And had even been to the doctor the week before and everything was fine. Almost overnight, she developed gestational diabetes. And it was so extreme and not treated quickly enough, so both her and the baby died. 

I know... It happens. We are not in control. God is. And when He calls you, it's time. Thing is, Shani was one of the best people in this world. She loved with no abandon and was truly a blessing to everyone that knew her. And more than anything, she wanted to be a mother. She went through a lot trying to become a mother. So when it finally happened, we were all ecstatic. 

She wanted it. She planned for it. She went through hell to get it. And she died because of it. That is a pain I don't think will ever go away. 

So why, when someone that wanted something so bad and DESERVED IT didn't get to experience it, should I? Why should I get my happy when she didn't?

I didn't plan this baby. Especially considering the environment I'm currently in.. My ideal has always been to be in love and married (or at least committed) and settled before any kids came about. And that certainly is not my current life.

I'm terrified of making a connection with my child and then losing him. It makes me hesitant to talk to him, to think of a future with him. Hell, I'm almost 8 months pregnant and still undecided on a name. I haven't bought one thing either. 

And that's the other thing.. Shani and I always talked about raising our children together. We shopped for baby/kid stuff when the thought of having a kid was a distant thought. We talked about names, and parenting practices and how if anything ever happened to one of us, the other would raise our kid. 

A more than ten year friendship where we shared everything and I don't get to share this with her. Its impossible for me to go in a store and pick up something baby related and not be sad I can't ask her opinion on it. It's been Hell not being able to call her and share the pains and gains of my pregnancy like she did with me. 

Every milestone of my life since I was 17, she has been a part of.  I don't know how to do this without her. And there is such a big part of me that feels like I don't deserve it. 

.................

I cried real tears today. I, like, most people sat in front of my television at 8:00 pm, waiting to hear what I already knew in my heart. Yet, I was still trying to hold on to a glimmer of hope. A small, almost indiscernible glimmer, but there nonetheless. I was watching my Twitter feed and Facebook posts and so many were posting that they too felt the same way. I think, if we're completely honest, everyone in America (and beyond) knew that Darren Wilson would not be indicted for the unnecessary, unprovoked murder of Micheal Brown. 

No, I wasn't there. No, I don't know if Micheal did attack Wilson in his car. No, I don't know if Micheal tried to go for Wilson' gun. I also don't know if Wilson shot Micheal in the back as he was running away, continued to shoot at him as he raised his hands in surrender or stood over him as he lay bleeding in the street.  I wasn't there. 

What I do know is he won't stand trial for it. I do know that the Ferguson officials and police department drew out an unnecessary, agonizing thing for 100 days that could have been decided days after it occurred. All that was wanted, all that has been asked from the beginning, was for Darren Wilson to have to stand trial. That's it. It's no doubt that it would have been a given had the tables been turned and Darren Wilson had been a Black cop killing a unarmed, white teenager. Let's be real. 

Please be clear. All that was asked was that Wilson have a trial. For him to have to be held accountable for what he did. Just like anyone else would have had to had they done what he did. But nope. In this America, it is more than okay to kill unarmed Black men and not have to worry about repercussions. Trayvon Martin. Chavis Carter. Ezell Ford, to name a few. And now Micheal Brown. People keep saying this is a racist thing. And while part of that is true, it's more about a right//wrong thing. 

My nephew, who is 4 years old, has a real tangible fear of the police. If he sees a police officer or those lights flashing, he gets scared and says something about the police "getting him" or at times, "killing us". He's FOUR! There is no reason in the world a child should be scared of those that are supposed to protect him. Except of course, we live in this America. This America where the life of a Black man is worth less than that of a dog. So damn sad.

It's a damn shame that at 4, my baby knows this fear. We try to tell him that he doesn't have to be scared of the police but I honestly think he sees the uncertainty of that statement in our eyes. Because he will say okay. But that doesn't stop the same conversation from repeating the next time we see a police officer. And sadly, in this America, it's an understandable fear. 

What 2013 Taught Me...

I sit here typing this yet still can't believe it is the end of the year. Like.. literally, today is the last day. Where did the year go??? It seems like just weeks ago I was doing my "What 2012 Taught Me" blog, and here I am doing another one. Time sure seems to be moving faster than it has in the past.. Or is that just me? 

I must say 2013 started okay then kinda went downhill from there. It really wasn't a great year for me. Now that's not to say I'm not appreciative of everything or for the mere fact that I'm still here.. but, it was rough. I saw someone say online today that they couldn't understand why people were saying they had bad year seeing as how they were still alive and many others weren't. I feel like being appreciative of life is about much more than being alive. 

Some days you can't appreciate the struggle. Some days you don't know how you are gonna  go on... or even if you want to. Some days you feel like you just can't take it anymore. Those are rough days... and that's putting it mildly. I've had quite a few rough days this year.. I've shed more tears.. I've had more sad moments than I have in a while. I've had more "Why is nothing in my life going right" panics and all that. Yeah... rough. 

But I'd be remiss if I didn't also say, I've laughed. I've met some great people. I've been lucky to receive more love than ever before. And I've learned. I'm always grateful for lessons. I may not be grateful in the moment but it's always there. Lessons mean you have the chance to get it right the second time. Everyone doesn't always get a second chance. Tomorrow is not promised. 

So on to it. What 2013 Taught Me... 

Life does not happen on your time: My nephew turned 3 this year and at the top of the list of things to concerning him was to get him to go to the bathroom. He's such a intelligent child. Picks up things quickly and has an vocabulary beyond his 3 years, but going to the bathroom was not on his list of things to do... much to our frustration. We had tried it all to no avail, then one day, he just decides to start going to the bathroom... on his own. You see, no matter how much we wanted him to do it, it wasn't gonna happen until he was good and ready. He wasn't on our time. 

You have got to live life: So often we sit around and wait... and wait... and wait.. For what? The right time? When things are ideal or "perfect". The biggest lesson for me  this year is that life happens whether you are prepared for it or not. Life is good things, bad things, happy things, sad things. Many of which you will never be prepared for.  I wasn't prepared for the cancer scare I had this year, my best friend and her baby dying from pregnancy complications, or my grandmother passing away, even though she was almost 90. I wasn't prepared for the turmoil my love life became or the constant panic I was in when another friend started having pregnancy complications. She had a Beautiful baby girl this month, both are good and healthy. But those things happened and I had to find a way to deal with it. Some days I didn't think I could. But God... (my Saints will know what that means, lol).

Be Fearless: We miss out on so much because we are sitting back scared of what "MIGHT'' happen. Sometimes we concentrate on the possibly "bad" happenings much that we forget about the fact that there is also the chance of a "good" happening. Either way can be beneficial because you can get what you want, and be appreciative. Or you can not get it and learn a lesson... and be appreciative. All things give you learning potential. Be appreciative. 

My lessons this year center around being thankful for life and living it to it's fullest potential. Every day won't be good. You won't feel like being thankful all the time. But you have to remember that, you get to live. You get to get up and do it again, do it better, be a lesson to someone else. Be thankful for that. Everyone doesn't get that same chance. 

Happy New Year. Be Thankful for Life. Live it to the fullest.. EVERYDAY. It is truly one of God's greatest blessings.

Why I wasn't ready for "Best Man Holiday"

So like many other people, I was so excited about the new "Best Man". I didn't go see it when it first came out but had heard from many that it was really good but a tearjerker. 

The movie was really good and from reports I already knew there would be a death in the movie(Sorry if you haven't seen it yet). But I honesty didn't realize how much I wasn't ready. 

Though the deaths weren't related, I couldn't help but relate to the losing of a friend unexpectedly. My sister, my best friend and her baby died just 3 weeks before she was due. It was sudden. It was unexpected. It was painful. I feel the pain of that loss everyday. 

Watching them get together in the movie and reconnect and their children play and grow up together just reminded that I will never get to do that with my Sister. We had so many things planned and things left that we wanted to do. God had a different plan.

So no, I was not in any way prepared for that stark reality while watching the movie and proceeded to ball like a baby. I'm barely holding it together typing this. 

Life is so unfair sometimes. And you can't help but sometimes wonder why certain things happen to certain people. Especially those that are the best kind of people that deserve nothing but the best. 

Always appreciate and show love to those around you. Life is short. 

Sometimes the cookies burn...

You know what sucks? When you are baking cookies and when you check them, they are not quite done so you figure you'd give another minute or two. But when you check back on them, they've passed the underdone stage and gone straight to overdone and hard. And you are sitting there disappointed because you've went through the trouble of mixing, measuring, and baking only to not be able to enjoy the finished product.THAT sucks! 

If there is nothing else I've learned this past 30 years(Whoa! I'm like... 30!! *takes moment*). Okay, where was I.. oh yeah. If nothing else, I've learned that sometimes the cookies burn. Lost..? Let me explain.

You can prepare and plan and think you have everything figured out and yet sometimes still be completely lost. Because no matter how much you prep, there is still an unseen variable that could possible mess up your plan. 

But what you can't do is allow it to throw you completely off. You have to let yourself be able to make mistakes. No one is perfect. The only reason there is a recipe for cookies is because someone burned a few batches before getting it right.  

Every now and then, you have to step back and reevaluate and find an alternative. That's why it's always good to have a contingency plan. 

Oh, and those overdone and hard cookies.... break them up and put them in ice cream or throw them out. There's always the next batch. And with those you'll be more watchful. 

The beauty of life is there is always a second(or third, or fourth) chance. 

Take A Chance on Love

 I recently had a friend that I’ve known since I was a little girl inform me that he has always liked me but was scared to tell me. My response to him was “Why now?” He said he didn’t know why he never said anything before but the point was he was telling me now. Okay. I can get behind that. I mean better late than never right?

But this whole thing got me to thinking… this is not the first time I’ve had a “friend” tell me they had more than “friendly” feelings toward me. They’ve all had pretty much the same excuse as to why they’ve never said anything. It almost always boils down to they didn’t know how I would take it.

Each time though I was genuinely surprised to find out they had deep feelings for me, I was also upset at the missed opportunity and time lost. The reality is the best kind of relationship you can have is one that starts as a friendship. Is it risky…maybe. Is it worth it…definitely. I know that there is always the slight chance that if your friend isn’t open to being more, it may affect the friendship. As well if the two of you do take the chance and things don’t work out. But there is an even bigger chance that considering the two of you are friends and know so much about each other already, that you will be able to fully accept each other as you are. That acceptance could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

Love is full of risks. But so is life. You can live a life always playing by the rules or take a chance and possibly go on the most fulfilling and eventful ride of your life. Your choice.