I Want My Happily Ever After

Every since I was a young girl and first fell in love with reading, my go to has always been a the love story. When I discovered Harlequin Romance novels I was in heaven. My life was definitely not a fairy tale and reading always allowed me to disappear into a much sweeter world.

I will admit that reading those books also shaped my belief in how love, marriages, and relationships work. Or so I thought. I honestly believed in a world where people purposed to be together, were faithful to one another, and where love(and marriage) always wins in the end. Yeah, I was terribly naive.

I didn't know many people that were actually married when I was young. Just folks that had been together for a long time. Other than my grandparents, and Aunt Vern and Uncle Ed(they are divorced now by the way), everyone else was just.. together.

Then when I got older I started meeting couples who were madly in love and married... and Happy. I was ecstatic. It was my fairy tale dreams come to life. I watched and learned and couldn't wait until that became my world. Then the roof caved in..

Many years ago it seemed an epidemic trend where many of those wonderful couples I had watched and couldn't wait to emulate, started falling apart. I started to learn of infidelity, and people putting on grand fronts, abuse, and eventually divorce. I couldn't believe it. Where was my "happily ever after, good and bad, until death due us part" love???

Death suddenly had a different meaning.

And I'm not ashamed to admit that in my naivete it was very shocking.. sometimes painful, as I had become quite close to some. Everything I had believed suddenly became lies. I didn't know how to deal. And because some of those separations were quite ugly, and in some cases I was directly impacted, it really killed my belief in "happily eveer after". I mean, if these great people couldn't do it, what chance did I have? And I also had a plethora of married men in my face. None of which had any shame about being married. I'll admit, I got caught up a time or two. Unknowingly became the other woman. Yeah, those "You been with my husband?" conversations were fun. Smh.

The "relationships" I was in during and following this period did nothing to rekindle that flame for true love that had been blown out. I just started to believe maybe it wasn't for me. I accepted that as my fate. I would find someone I could moderately tolerate with no real expectations and that would be it. At least I wouldn't be alone. There would be times I would be watching a romantic movie or reading a book or even listening to a love some and I would think, "I want that. I deserve that". All the while not really believing it to be my fate. I mean, that was make believe, remember.

I don't know if it was the birth of my son(which is a love like nothing I've ever known), or the sudden influx of babies and engagements and weddings of those around me, but I've noticed recently that that hard shell around my heart has been cracking and chipping away. And I realize that I still want the love that I deserve. I want to be somebody's wife. I want to call someone my husband. I want my son to grow up in a home where love is freely and abunantly shown and where he is given a great example of the man he is supposed to be to the woman he loves. I want him to grow up knowing love is a real tangible thing and achiveable by anyone willing to put the work in. I want marriage, not living together, not boyfriend/girlfriend, not "we together" to be his goal.

I want to wake up every morning in the arms of the man that absoultely can't imagine his life without me and he shows it, EVERY DAY. I want an all encompassing, "Always and Forever", until the end of time love.

I want my fairy tale. I want my Happily Ever After.

What 2015 Taught Me

Okay, so apparently a whole 365 days has passed. I find it so hard to believe because I swear it seems the beginning of 2015 was JUST yesterday. But alas, it's time for a new year. A new beginning. But before we get there, let's talk about the lessons of 2015.

1. Make YOU a priority. 
         Listen, I LIVE for taking care of others. It's ingrained in my DNA. I find immense satisfaction and pleasure in knowing those around me that I love are okay. And if I can aid in making that "okay" happen, all the better. But I realized more this year more so than ever, that doing for others is all fine, well, and good, but you HAVE to take care of you. When you become the person that gives and gives and gives, eventually you will deplete yourself. And unfortunately, people all too often are more than willing to take everything you have to offer and have no mind to give it back in return. So you have to take care of you. Don't over extend yourself for anyone that isn't willing to do the same for you. And please know it is more than okay to say, NO! Hurt feelings, ideas of entitlement, and "but you always do", be damned. YOU are what matters the most. 

2. Love people while they live. 
         Now we all know no one is going to live forever. We are all born to die. Just ideally, on the better side of the other side. But sadly, far too often, we are losing people, sometimes unexpectedly, and then we want think about how much they mean to us. NO. Love them while they are here. The people in your life should have no doubt about what they mean to you. It should be shown in your actions, thoughts, and words on a daily basis. Tell people you love them. Even better, SHOW THEM. There's an old song(I think it's a song), that says, "Give me my flowers while I live". Meaning show your appreciation while I can see and revel in it. Don't wait until people are gone to then think about what they mean to you because by then, it's too late. 2015 has unfortunately been a year of loss for many. RIP Aunt J, Mrs. Sandra, and Mr. Smith. We miss you. 

3.Appreciate the blessing in the unexpected. 
          February 9, 2015 is when I found out I was pregnant. It wasn't planned. It wasn't wanted right then. And I still wake up daily thinking it was all a dream. My baby, Elijah Shane, is now 14 weeks old, and though it hasn't been the easiest experience, I honestly wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. I thought I was ready for a baby. Having him greatly challenged that thought. Not because he's difficult but because I was wholly unprepared for what all being a mother entails. But with help from my Mother and those around me that love me, I am making it work. I thank God for trusting me with one of his children. I pray for HIS continued guidance as to not mess it up. 

Life has truly been a trial this year (but isn't it every year?), but as per my norm, I thank God for it. What's the point in living a life you don't learn from? I just hope and pray that the next 365 days are filled with light, lessons, and love. 

Be Blessed. 

My Mother's Daughter

My brothers and I have an ongoing joke where we pass our Mother off on one another. We'll say, "That's YOUR Mother". It's mainly when she has done or said something off the wall. Which happens pretty regularly. So she tends to get passed around a lot. LOL.

As I've gotten older, I realize more and more that my Mom and I have a lot more in common than I would have ever believed.  I definitely get more than my good looks and great hair from her. As kid and teenager there was no way in the world I would have ever believed my Mom understood anything about how I was feeling or what I was going through. 

I mean how could she? She was Mom. And it was a different time and things were done differently now, and blah, blah, blah. It's funny how often that is said. And we're always so wrong. True, the drama kids face today may have a different look but it's still the same drama. It's the same things I went through, and my Mom before, and her Mom before her. So I'm grateful that when my Mom said I would be okay and I would get through it, she wasn't just trying to make me feel better. She knew what she was talking about. 

I've learned that in so many ways my Mom and I have lived the same life. We both are readers and revel in our solitude. Both have funny appetites that call for everything at one point and nothing at all, the next. We both were "Guys Girls", meaning we hung with the fellas more so than the girls. We both love our solitude and sleep. We firmly believe in sleeping. 

My build is all my Mom. My slightly bowed legs (no slightly to hers though, she's full on), my milk chocolate soft skin, and my great hair... All her. I get my love of life from her. My ability to forgive and let go as well as my ability to take people at their best and not dwell on the worst because in the end we all have our bad moments . All her. We love deep. And when we love, we love for real. We've both had heartache. We've both felt like outcasts and that no understood us.

And as I've recently learned,  we've both been irreparably hurt by someone that we never would have thought would hurt us. And when we confessed the hurt, no one believed us. 
That is the one thing I wish we didn't share. That is the one thing I wish neither of us had to experience. 

Some things we go through, they are like a mosquito bite. Annoying but pay it no mind and it's not lasting. You feel in that moment and for a little while after but it goes away. Other things are like a cut. It hurts. You feel it deep, It takes longer to go away and even when it does the scar is still there to remind you of it. We have the same scars. 

I think as children, one of our greatest fallacies is that we tend to forget that our parents aren't perfect... That they've made mistakes and bad decisions and gone through some things just like us. But as parents they consider it their duty to shield us from those things. And it's not an act of deception but of protection.

Parents Protect. It's what they do. It's what they were made for. Sometimes we can feel like that protection is too much (and sometimes it is), but they do the best they can. And as children we need to be more appreciative of that. They won't always be right. But their as right as the can be with the experiences that they've had.  I appreciate my Mom and her experiences. 

She's the reason I'm so GREAT! ;-)

What 2013 Taught Me...

I sit here typing this yet still can't believe it is the end of the year. Like.. literally, today is the last day. Where did the year go??? It seems like just weeks ago I was doing my "What 2012 Taught Me" blog, and here I am doing another one. Time sure seems to be moving faster than it has in the past.. Or is that just me? 

I must say 2013 started okay then kinda went downhill from there. It really wasn't a great year for me. Now that's not to say I'm not appreciative of everything or for the mere fact that I'm still here.. but, it was rough. I saw someone say online today that they couldn't understand why people were saying they had bad year seeing as how they were still alive and many others weren't. I feel like being appreciative of life is about much more than being alive. 

Some days you can't appreciate the struggle. Some days you don't know how you are gonna  go on... or even if you want to. Some days you feel like you just can't take it anymore. Those are rough days... and that's putting it mildly. I've had quite a few rough days this year.. I've shed more tears.. I've had more sad moments than I have in a while. I've had more "Why is nothing in my life going right" panics and all that. Yeah... rough. 

But I'd be remiss if I didn't also say, I've laughed. I've met some great people. I've been lucky to receive more love than ever before. And I've learned. I'm always grateful for lessons. I may not be grateful in the moment but it's always there. Lessons mean you have the chance to get it right the second time. Everyone doesn't always get a second chance. Tomorrow is not promised. 

So on to it. What 2013 Taught Me... 

Life does not happen on your time: My nephew turned 3 this year and at the top of the list of things to concerning him was to get him to go to the bathroom. He's such a intelligent child. Picks up things quickly and has an vocabulary beyond his 3 years, but going to the bathroom was not on his list of things to do... much to our frustration. We had tried it all to no avail, then one day, he just decides to start going to the bathroom... on his own. You see, no matter how much we wanted him to do it, it wasn't gonna happen until he was good and ready. He wasn't on our time. 

You have got to live life: So often we sit around and wait... and wait... and wait.. For what? The right time? When things are ideal or "perfect". The biggest lesson for me  this year is that life happens whether you are prepared for it or not. Life is good things, bad things, happy things, sad things. Many of which you will never be prepared for.  I wasn't prepared for the cancer scare I had this year, my best friend and her baby dying from pregnancy complications, or my grandmother passing away, even though she was almost 90. I wasn't prepared for the turmoil my love life became or the constant panic I was in when another friend started having pregnancy complications. She had a Beautiful baby girl this month, both are good and healthy. But those things happened and I had to find a way to deal with it. Some days I didn't think I could. But God... (my Saints will know what that means, lol).

Be Fearless: We miss out on so much because we are sitting back scared of what "MIGHT'' happen. Sometimes we concentrate on the possibly "bad" happenings much that we forget about the fact that there is also the chance of a "good" happening. Either way can be beneficial because you can get what you want, and be appreciative. Or you can not get it and learn a lesson... and be appreciative. All things give you learning potential. Be appreciative. 

My lessons this year center around being thankful for life and living it to it's fullest potential. Every day won't be good. You won't feel like being thankful all the time. But you have to remember that, you get to live. You get to get up and do it again, do it better, be a lesson to someone else. Be thankful for that. Everyone doesn't get that same chance. 

Happy New Year. Be Thankful for Life. Live it to the fullest.. EVERYDAY. It is truly one of God's greatest blessings.

Sometimes the cookies burn...

You know what sucks? When you are baking cookies and when you check them, they are not quite done so you figure you'd give another minute or two. But when you check back on them, they've passed the underdone stage and gone straight to overdone and hard. And you are sitting there disappointed because you've went through the trouble of mixing, measuring, and baking only to not be able to enjoy the finished product.THAT sucks! 

If there is nothing else I've learned this past 30 years(Whoa! I'm like... 30!! *takes moment*). Okay, where was I.. oh yeah. If nothing else, I've learned that sometimes the cookies burn. Lost..? Let me explain.

You can prepare and plan and think you have everything figured out and yet sometimes still be completely lost. Because no matter how much you prep, there is still an unseen variable that could possible mess up your plan. 

But what you can't do is allow it to throw you completely off. You have to let yourself be able to make mistakes. No one is perfect. The only reason there is a recipe for cookies is because someone burned a few batches before getting it right.  

Every now and then, you have to step back and reevaluate and find an alternative. That's why it's always good to have a contingency plan. 

Oh, and those overdone and hard cookies.... break them up and put them in ice cream or throw them out. There's always the next batch. And with those you'll be more watchful. 

The beauty of life is there is always a second(or third, or fourth) chance. 

30 Slightly Random, Slightly Unknown, Slightly Weird Facts about the New 30 Year Old Me!

I like to eat plain Tortilla Chips. I don't need any dip or salsa or anything.

I love to combine my snacks with a salty and a sweet(i.e popcorn and ice cream)

I could watch House Hunters, Property Virgins, NCIS, Big Bang Theory, and any cooking show on Food Network, everyday, all day.

I want to be an Author. I am currently in the process of writing 5 different books(probably why none are finished.)

I find it hard to write the more.. "intimate" scenes in my books. That's also part of the reason why none are finished.

I wanted to be a pediatrician when I was a kid but changed my mind after learning how long it would take.

I love watching movies. "What's Love Got To Do With It? and The Color Purple are my favorite movies.

I will read just about anything. "The Coldest Winter Ever" by Sista Souljah is my favorite book.

I have a thing about things being even.. I don't particularly care for odd numbers. Which is weird considering I was born on one {23}.

I count things.. Steps, squares in the floor, number of seconds/minutes between certain things, the mile markers between exits on the interstate. It's random... and weird.

I wanted like 10 kids when I was younger... 5 naturally, 5 adopted. Yeahhhh... that plan has changed dramatically.

If I get too tickled, start laughing and can't stop, often I will start crying and/or suddenly have to pee. But the sad thing is I often can't stop laughing long enough to pee.

I can spend HOURS in the tub. No one understands it but give me a book, some music, bubbles and candles and I'm gone for at least 2-3 hours...sometimes longer.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE to read. It's my favorite pastime. And I can do it all day everyday.

The first ever sports team I loved was the Dallas Cowboys.

I've only in recent years become a fan of the NBA. My favorite team is the Boston Celtics. (well.. until Paul got traded) :-(

I love to cook. I want to go to culinary school. Though what happens after that is still undecided.

I hate leftovers. Well except for the few things you are supposed to eat the second day (chili, soup, Thanksgiving, Christmas).

I believe in "Happily Ever After". I know many today think it's as elusive as the Loch Ness Monster but I know it's there. You just have to work to get it and keep it.

I'm a sucker for a corny, romantic, "loves win in the end" movie. 

I am in the top 10 of "World's Worst Procrastinators" where it comes to anything that has to do with myself. Now other people's business... I handle with no problem. 

I really want to travel the world. As of now, the only places I've visited are Atlanta, Ga, Dallas, TX, Indianapolis, IN, St. Louis, MO, Springfield, IL, and North Carolina. 

I cannot stand the taste of coffee. Also, if you use bleach to wash your dishes I can't eat/drink from anything for a day or so because I can taste it. 

I typically tend to change the polish on my toes weekly, or at the most bi-weekly. I paint them myself. 

I had become addicted to Pinterest. So much so that I was spending hours perusing the site. I had to take a break from it. Now I only visit it once... daily. 

I am really into fashion. I don't talk about it much but I make sure and pay attention to all the trends for each season and add my spin on them. 

Bahama Breeze is one of my favorite restaurants. It also is the place where I had my first "legal" drink. It was an Amaretto Sour. 

Pineapple is my favorite fruit. I love it as a fruit, juice, soda, a candy, or on cake. 

I don't like cold fruit or salad. If it has been in the refrigerator I have to let it sit a few minutes before I eat it. 

I have worn glasses since I was about 12. I have gotten so used to seeing glasses on my face, I don't think I look right without them. 

As of today, I am 30 years old. The age I've been dreading since I turned 25. I hated for people to even refer to me as "almost 30". I don't know what it was about the number that terrified me. 

But today, I'm blessed to have made it this far. I'm thankful that I've been blessed with the life I have. It definitely has not always been smooth or easy but it has been a great ride. I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned, the trials and tribulations I've been through and what they've taught me. I'm thankful for the people that I've met and the things I've learned from them. I'm thankful for any good influence I've had on anyone else. 

I'm thankful for my family and friends and for always them being there for me. I'm thankful for God continuing to love me even we have a difference of opinion. 

I'm thankful for the first 30 years and excited about the next 30. 

Be Blessed. 

Which Are You?

Grandmother Says... Carrots, Eggs, or Coffee; "Which are you?"

A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.

Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, "Tell me what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they got soft.She then asked her to take an egg and break it.

After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.

Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma. The granddaughter then asked. "What's the point,grandmother?"

Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity--boiling water--but each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her granddaughter.

"When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I?

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?

Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level?

---AUTHOR UNKNOWN

*I didn't write this. I came across it on Facebook and thought it so thought provoking that it needed to be shared. We all go through things. You can either let your situation change you... or change your situation. Your choice.*

What 2012 Taught Me

*Note: This post is 2 days late because as I was about to post it  on New Year's Eve, my laptop decided to act a monkey and totally erase my post. I had not saved it yet which meant I would have to retype the whole thing. That wasn't possible that night or yesterday so... here you are. *

What 2012 Taught Me:

It’s the end of another year and what better a time than to reflect on all the lessons learned and experiences had. 2012 was a pretty decent year for me. It was definitely better than 2011. For that, I’m extremely thankful. The past 12 months have been very educational for me… as a woman, as a sister, as a friend. As they say, “You live and you learn”. A few things I've learned this year…

Buck the Rules: Now I know we have rules for a reason. Whether it is to keep us safe or out of trouble, rules are needed. But I’m talking about “Life” rules. Far too often, we go through life living it as other people see fit. We do things as to not go against the grain… or have people looking down on you. But what kind of life is that? The very best thing you could ever do for you in life is to do what makes you happy. Sometimes that involves bucking the rules. This, in my opinion, makes it so much more fun.

Don’t make rash decisions based on temporary emotions: When we are angry or upset, or our emotions are high… we may not be thinking clearly or rationally and that is the worst time to make a life altering decision. It is always best to think things through. I like to weigh the pros and cons of everything (I am also a Libra, the sign of the Scales). While everything tends to have its pluses and minuses, you never want to make a life altering rash decision based on how you’re feeling at the time and then later realize it was the wrong one. Some things you can’t take back and I’m sorry doesn't always cut it.

Have a plan: This one kind of piggybacks off the previous one but it is relevant nonetheless. I think one of the worst things to do is decide to do something without fully having a plan. You need to know what you want, how you plan to get it, and what you are going to do if the original plan doesn't work out. You need to have a plan A… and B… and possibly C. It’s good to be prepared for any curves life chooses to suddenly throw at you.

Don’t stress over what you can’t change: I must say, this is probably the biggest lesson for me. I admit I have control issues. I don’t think I’m that bad, but it’s definitely there. I want the people I love and care about to live their best life. I want them to be healthy. I want them to be happy. I want them to plan and save and organize. I want them to do the things I KNOW will make their lives better. (See that control freak coming out?). The problem with that is when those things don’t happen, it frustrates me. Which makes me mad or sad or irritated… which leads me to stressing… which then affects my overall being. I have realized that the best thing I can do is provide information and let people decide whether they want to use it or not. In the end, I've done my part. I can’t change others, but I can change me.

I’m going into 2013 with a better sense of the Me that I am and the Me that I want to be. 2013 will be the year of ME! I can’t wait.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Lessons Learned

I try to make it my business to treat every life experience as a Life Lesson. Whether it is good or bad, happy or sad, I aim to make sure I learn the lesson from the experience. This is especially true of relationships… both friendly and mate-related.

I'm happy to be able to say that though I may not have realized it at the time; I have learned something from every relationship I have been in. Whether it was something about me, men, or love in general, I take the lesson and apply it to my life in whatever capacity it is needed. I like to think it has made me a better person.

I won't bore you with tales of ALL of my "love gone wrong" experiences but there are a few that stand out. Generally, these are the ones that lasted longer than a minute. 

I thought about changing the names to protect the not-so-innocent but then said whatever. This is my blog, my thoughts, my life. They were a part of it and not a secret part so... *shrug*. 

In no particular order, the lessons I've learned through my attempt to find everlasting love:

Brandon and I had more of a pseudo relationship. We were never really together though we kind of acted like it over the course of a few years. Mainly when were between other relationships. From Brandon, I learned that everything can line up perfectly and things still are not meant to be. We were MADE for each other... but we weren't. No matter how much we wanted it to work, it never did. We too are still friends. 

Terrence was the first guy I ever thought I loved. I mean he was my FIRST. And unfortunately I was blinded by that love. Now don't get me wrong, that blindness was self-inflicted. He was always honest... his brand of honest anyway. We attempted relationships over the years when we both in-between others. It never lasted long.  From Terrence, I learned that Actions Speak Louder Than Words. Terrence could be a politician, his tongue is that smooth. He says all the right things but when it comes time for action, there is nothing there. We don't talk anymore, but I would say we are cordial when in each other's presence. 

James and I got together kinda by a fluke. A friend was interested in him but he was interested in me. Spending time with them trying to get them together actually just made us feel each other more (terrible I know). James came with Momma issues, Baby Mother Issues, and lazy man issues. From James, I learned that putting your all into making someone else's life easy as possible is only good if they are doing the same for you. 

Twain was my longest relationship to date. We started off as friends and that eventually led to more. We lasted 2 years. Because we started off rough due to some slight wrongness on my part, I did everything thing I could to make him happy. That included changing me. From Twain, I learned the worst thing you could ever do in a relationship is lose yourself. I gave up every part of who I was to make him happy yet I was miserable. It ended badly but I still have love for him. We're friends now.

Now I don't want you to think that I am bashing these men, because that is not what I am doing. They are generally good guys… they just weren't good for me. Or rather, we weren't good for each other after a while. I don't regret any of the time spent with any of them. If it wasn't good while it lasted, it had its good moments, and for that I will always be appreciative. 

Every life experience is a lesson. Sometimes it’s a hard lesson. Sometimes it’s an easy one. Sometimes it’s a lesson in heartbreak. Sometimes it’s a lesson in how love truly triumphs. You never know until you go through it. 

I know people that are out here avoiding relationships because they don't want to risk getting hurt. What they may not realize is there is a lesson in that as well... one of fear. You can't live your best life being fearful of what might happen. You have to take a chance. If it works out, cool. If it doesn't, look for the lesson. That way you'll know what to do the next time you are in that situation. 

I've learned a lot about love over the past 10 years. But I've learned even more about myself. I LOVE love. I love the experiences love can bring. I've learned that love comes in different forms and is different for everybody. Love heals. Love hurts. But it is something that we all need to survive. 

It is as vital to us as breathing. 

Control Freak

A few years ago, this guy I was involved with informed me that things would never work out between us because I was a control freak. That I thought everything always had to go my way. I felt like that couldn't possibly be true. I mean, I was the most easy going, accommodating chick I knew. It always was about the other person for me.. 

I of course, shrugged off his remark like the excuse I felt like it was and went on about my business. I didn't feel like I was trying to control our relationship. But, I did try to regulate how I let him treat me. I demanded respect and consideration. He was not going to just treat me any kind of way. 

The strange thing was, in the weeks/months that followed that conversation, I had 3 other men(none of which I was intimately involved), tell me very similar remarks.  This really got me to thinking... Was I a Control Freak? Did things always have to go my way? Nahhhhh... Couldn't possibly be true..Right? I really believed the guys were just misjudging me. I was a Strong woman. A woman of standard. They just didn't know how to handle me. Yep. That's what it was. (Or at least what I told myself)

That was until me and the Bestie were out to dinner and catching up on each others' lives. I was relaying it all to her and after I finished I looked to her for the expectant "Girl naw. He/they trippin". Instead I got, "You know.. I could see why he would say that". 

MY JAW DROPPED.

I looked at her in complete disbelief. How could she possibly say such a thing?!?! She was supposed to be my friend.. MY BEST FRIEND! As I was inwardly rethinking our whole friendship, some part of my brain started paying attention to the reasons she was giving behind her saying it. They included: 1) The whole time I was talking, everything began with "I". I want, I think, I need.. It was all about me. 2) I was using control as a way to keep myself from being vulnerable. So I wouldn't get hurt. 3) Contrary to what I thought, my way was not necessarily always the best way (Yeah right), and I needed to learn that just because things weren't the way I wanted them, didn't make them wrong. 

Part of me was still rethinking our friendship (I kid), but I had to admit she made a lot of sense. I really didn't like that mirror she was holding up but hey, what are best friends for if not to hold up mirrors that show your true reflection?

I left that dinner with a new-found sense of self. Realized I needed a little more "take" in my give and take. That having standards was good, and even needed, but you also have to have compromise. It can't be, "You do all these things for me. And if you do them to my liking and approval, I'll do these things for you.". That's not how relationships work. 

Because the reality is, in relationships, we all need different things. What makes perfect sense to you doesn't necessarily make any sense to another. That's why compromise is such a big part of successful relationships. You have to be willing to work together for the good of the relationship. When you decide to share your life with someone, it ceases being about "self'" and moves to "we". 

Of course, me and that guy didn't work out and it had NOTHING to do with my control issues(really it didn't, he was a selfish a**hole), but I do have him to thank for helping to open my eyes so that I can be a better me... and a better half of "we" (whenever that happens).