Confession

My brother asked me the other day is I had been putting headphones on my belly so that the baby could hear music? I just kinda shrugged and was like, not directly.

The truth of the matter is I haven't been doing any off the things I thought I would when I became pregnant. And it's not because I don't want to, its because I'm scared to. 

What am I scared of, you ask? I'm scared to get close to and connect with my child because I have a palpable fear that I may not get to raise him. Now I know there are risks in all pregnancies but that's not really where my concern comes from.. 

I honestly, more than anything feel like it's a lack of Faith. My best friend died two years ago less than a month before her baby was to be born. She had had no complications. And had even been to the doctor the week before and everything was fine. Almost overnight, she developed gestational diabetes. And it was so extreme and not treated quickly enough, so both her and the baby died. 

I know... It happens. We are not in control. God is. And when He calls you, it's time. Thing is, Shani was one of the best people in this world. She loved with no abandon and was truly a blessing to everyone that knew her. And more than anything, she wanted to be a mother. She went through a lot trying to become a mother. So when it finally happened, we were all ecstatic. 

She wanted it. She planned for it. She went through hell to get it. And she died because of it. That is a pain I don't think will ever go away. 

So why, when someone that wanted something so bad and DESERVED IT didn't get to experience it, should I? Why should I get my happy when she didn't?

I didn't plan this baby. Especially considering the environment I'm currently in.. My ideal has always been to be in love and married (or at least committed) and settled before any kids came about. And that certainly is not my current life.

I'm terrified of making a connection with my child and then losing him. It makes me hesitant to talk to him, to think of a future with him. Hell, I'm almost 8 months pregnant and still undecided on a name. I haven't bought one thing either. 

And that's the other thing.. Shani and I always talked about raising our children together. We shopped for baby/kid stuff when the thought of having a kid was a distant thought. We talked about names, and parenting practices and how if anything ever happened to one of us, the other would raise our kid. 

A more than ten year friendship where we shared everything and I don't get to share this with her. Its impossible for me to go in a store and pick up something baby related and not be sad I can't ask her opinion on it. It's been Hell not being able to call her and share the pains and gains of my pregnancy like she did with me. 

Every milestone of my life since I was 17, she has been a part of.  I don't know how to do this without her. And there is such a big part of me that feels like I don't deserve it. 

Why I wasn't ready for "Best Man Holiday"

So like many other people, I was so excited about the new "Best Man". I didn't go see it when it first came out but had heard from many that it was really good but a tearjerker. 

The movie was really good and from reports I already knew there would be a death in the movie(Sorry if you haven't seen it yet). But I honesty didn't realize how much I wasn't ready. 

Though the deaths weren't related, I couldn't help but relate to the losing of a friend unexpectedly. My sister, my best friend and her baby died just 3 weeks before she was due. It was sudden. It was unexpected. It was painful. I feel the pain of that loss everyday. 

Watching them get together in the movie and reconnect and their children play and grow up together just reminded that I will never get to do that with my Sister. We had so many things planned and things left that we wanted to do. God had a different plan.

So no, I was not in any way prepared for that stark reality while watching the movie and proceeded to ball like a baby. I'm barely holding it together typing this. 

Life is so unfair sometimes. And you can't help but sometimes wonder why certain things happen to certain people. Especially those that are the best kind of people that deserve nothing but the best. 

Always appreciate and show love to those around you. Life is short. 

A Few Unknown "Shani" facts...

Did you know...?

1)Stemming from a traumatic experience as a child at the zoo, Shani was afraid of giraffes. 

2)If she could have had her way, Shani could have existed off of "Good" ice cream and juice.. and often did. 

3)She loved playing video games. Super Mario Kart (Wii) was one of her favorite games. 

4)If you ever had the privilege to view her website, you know she had a way with words like no other. But what you may not know was that she also was working several books (cookbook, fiction, life lessons).

5)Her favorite color was purple. She slightly detested pink but could deal with it when combined with other bright colors. 

6)She was the one that gave me my Twitter name "Candii_Pants". She called me "Pants" in real life and was often the cause of other people doing it as well. 

7)One of her favorite movies was "Groundhog Day".. which leads me to..

8)One of Shani's  favorite holidays was "Groundhog Day". Because it marks 6 months until her birthday. That's usually when she would start planning the festivities. 

9)Shani was always re-inventing herself. She got bored quickly and that definitely included her look. It was nothing for her to have black hair on Monday, and brown hair on Tuesday. Length was also subject to change at any moment. 

10)She was an AWESOME cook! I mean the girl could put things together that you would have never thought of and they would be nirvana to the taste buds. 

Today would have been my bestie, Shani's 36th Birthday. She always made a HUGE deal about her birthday. It would often be a celebration that lasted over a few days that included festivities with her hubby, her mom, and her girls. She considered her birthday her "New Year". Unfortunately, my sister left this earth on May 3, 2013. She isn't here to celebrate and though I hate it, I don't yet have it in me to celebrate without her. Not publicly anyway. I'll have my own private celebration. 

I Love You Shani. <3