Over It...

It's official....
I am completely over being pregnant. 
Now... Don't get me wrong... I recognize and acknowledge the miracle that pregnancy is.. I know there are those that relish in the experience. And those that would give anything to be able to have the experience. I take nothing away from them. 
But for me... I'm over it.
I'm over the exhaustion.
I'm over the limitations on my body. 
I'm over not being able to walk up a flight of stairs, take a shower, or get dressed without getting out of breath.
I'm over the appetite issues... Cravings and restrictions.
I'm over an the "advice".
I'm over all the predictions and restrictions already being placed on my unborn son.
I'm over not being able get comfortable enough to get a decent night's sleep. 
I'm over being hot all the time.
I'm thankful for the blessing that is my son. But I'm completely over the process of getting him here.

Confession

My brother asked me the other day is I had been putting headphones on my belly so that the baby could hear music? I just kinda shrugged and was like, not directly.

The truth of the matter is I haven't been doing any off the things I thought I would when I became pregnant. And it's not because I don't want to, its because I'm scared to. 

What am I scared of, you ask? I'm scared to get close to and connect with my child because I have a palpable fear that I may not get to raise him. Now I know there are risks in all pregnancies but that's not really where my concern comes from.. 

I honestly, more than anything feel like it's a lack of Faith. My best friend died two years ago less than a month before her baby was to be born. She had had no complications. And had even been to the doctor the week before and everything was fine. Almost overnight, she developed gestational diabetes. And it was so extreme and not treated quickly enough, so both her and the baby died. 

I know... It happens. We are not in control. God is. And when He calls you, it's time. Thing is, Shani was one of the best people in this world. She loved with no abandon and was truly a blessing to everyone that knew her. And more than anything, she wanted to be a mother. She went through a lot trying to become a mother. So when it finally happened, we were all ecstatic. 

She wanted it. She planned for it. She went through hell to get it. And she died because of it. That is a pain I don't think will ever go away. 

So why, when someone that wanted something so bad and DESERVED IT didn't get to experience it, should I? Why should I get my happy when she didn't?

I didn't plan this baby. Especially considering the environment I'm currently in.. My ideal has always been to be in love and married (or at least committed) and settled before any kids came about. And that certainly is not my current life.

I'm terrified of making a connection with my child and then losing him. It makes me hesitant to talk to him, to think of a future with him. Hell, I'm almost 8 months pregnant and still undecided on a name. I haven't bought one thing either. 

And that's the other thing.. Shani and I always talked about raising our children together. We shopped for baby/kid stuff when the thought of having a kid was a distant thought. We talked about names, and parenting practices and how if anything ever happened to one of us, the other would raise our kid. 

A more than ten year friendship where we shared everything and I don't get to share this with her. Its impossible for me to go in a store and pick up something baby related and not be sad I can't ask her opinion on it. It's been Hell not being able to call her and share the pains and gains of my pregnancy like she did with me. 

Every milestone of my life since I was 17, she has been a part of.  I don't know how to do this without her. And there is such a big part of me that feels like I don't deserve it. 

Baby Boom

It seems that 2013 is going to be a great year for so many of my friends. Three (so far) great couples I know are going to become parents for the first time. I’m so excited for them. I know they are going to make great parents. So I got to thinking I know there are plenty of parenting books, blogs, magazines out to tell you everything under the sun about kids but I figured I’d add a few things from my point of view.

Well first let me clarify… I’m not technically a “parent”. I mean, I haven’t had any kids personally. I’m not a mother. But as I have been taking care of my nephew since he was six weeks old, I’m qualified to use the word “Parent”. There have been many lessons over the past 2 ½ and some were learned the hard way. Here are some of my top ones…

Just go ahead and accept that there you won’t be using the bathroom in peace for a few years… This of course becomes more of a problem when they start crawling or walking but even as an infant, you are still hesitant to leave them alone for too long. (We've all heard those “I only left him for a second” stories). Of course, if you have a toddler, you won’t have to worry about leaving them alone because unless they are in a play pen or some other way ensconced, they will be knocking at the door (or in Tahj’s case, opening it). I've learned that kids think you going to the bathroom mean you want to talk. Hopefully you’ll have someone else around to help and y’all will be able to take turns. (Note: This also applies to showers)

You need to also accept that your days of eating a meal or having a drink alone are also over. Now of course there will be things that a child can’t eat or drink but I promise that won’t stop them from trying.  You will also need to accept that your meals will at times will be a lot more kid-oriented because sometimes it’s just easier that way (Chicken nuggets anyone?) Speaking of Chicken nuggets, as your kid gets old enough to eat solid food; they will definitely become a staple in your home. A lot of people like to hit up McDonald’s on the regular but I find it’s easier (and cheaper) to just keep a bag in the freezer.  Or make your own. Also be aware that your child will have food preferences and that they will change. Tahj loves bananas, grapes, and pears. He doesn't like apples but likes applesauce. He likes potatoes, broccoli, and salad; doesn't like green beans or white rice. He doesn't like eggs, LOVES oatmeal. When he was younger he wouldn't eat bacon, now he requests it.  As a matter of fact, if we let him, he could live on chicken nuggets, French fries, bananas, bacon, and oatmeal.

You will come to reverently appreciate any kid-friendly television program that keeps your kids attention for more than 5 minutes. Now I know a lot of parents don’t want their kids just sitting in front of the television for hours. But 30 minutes or an hour here or there certainly won’t hurt. Tahj loves music so “Yo Gabba Gabba!” has become a favorite of his. Plus they teach through song. Trust me… You’ll need that half hour.

You will suddenly acquire a pet… that pet would be a parrot. Tahj repeats EVERYTHING! Thankfully he doesn't say the bad words. As a matter of fact he admonishes us not to say them. But everything else is fair game. He even gets the different nuances of your voice accurate.

As they grow older, they will become fiercely independent. They will think that they can do any and everything by themselves. On one hand that’s exactly what you want. You want them to be self-assured and confident. You want them to be able to take care of themselves. But, it also makes you feel a little sad. As time goes on, your “baby” won’t need you as much anymore. That stings a little. But you have to just suck it up and let them grow up. Of course there will be things they think they can do/handle that they can’t and you’ll have to step in but for me that’s just a little reminder that he’ll always need me in some way. J

Kids are tough… and resilient. And with Tahj, it seems like it’s multiplied. He is forever bumping into, falling off of, running into, and hitting some body part on… SOMETHING! My heart jumps to my throat on a daily basis dealing with him. He has so many cuts, scraps, and bruises on his body that people that don’t know any better might think he was abused. But I've learned to base my reaction based on his reaction. If he doesn't make a big deal about it, I don’t. If he cries he’s hurt, I “kiss it better” and we move on. Don’t dwell on it so he doesn't dwell on it. Most often, 10 seconds or so later he’s fine.

Don’t judge your child’s accomplishments based on other people’s thoughts or children. Children, just like people move at their own pace. Tahj stopped drinking from a bottle at 9 months, was walking by 1, and knew his ABCs and could count to 10 before he was 2. He’s a smart kid and picks up things quickly but he has setbacks too. Like this whole potty training thing is just not on his list of priorities. He’s about to be 3 and people have been like “Well, my little Danny was potty trained at 18 months”. Okay, good for Danny. There are things that Tahj can do that Danny can’t. Each kid is different. And of course environment plays a part in that as well.

Last but not least, get prepared to become “that” person. The one that everything that comes out of your mouth has to do with your child and their numerous “I know this is common and every kid does it but not like how my kid did it” achievements. I used to talk about those people… then I became one. The first year of Tahj’s life every other statement was about him.  But it’s hard not to when you are spending so much time with one little perfect person. And because they are that little perfect person everything that they do is newsworthy.

I think the best thing I can say is to just follow your instincts. Regardless of what the books say, your Mom says, or other parents say, do what feels good to you. 

Spend Time.. Not Money

I just don't understand why people feel like they don't have to spend quality time with their kids. Talk to them, play with them, teach them!!I mean there are too many people that feel like just cause your kid rocking the new J's, you are a good parent. I'm not saying dressing your kids nice is wrong necessarily but you have to teach them to not get hung up on material things. Because that doesn't determine the kind of person that they are. But what have you put INTO them though? Are you teaching them any morals and values? Or do you think it's cute that your 2 yr old knows all the words to the hottest song? But doesn't know her ABC's or how to count. Are you reading to them or sitting them in front of the TV all day? Are you teaching your daughters to respect themselves?  That she doesn't have to degrade herself or act like she's dumb for attention. Are you teaching your sons to respect women? That he shouldn't want to be the guy who has been with 100 different woman. Are you teaching them that education is important?  I have seen with my own eyes. Your child has on the best clothes, has the latest game, phone, Ipod, but they're acting up school, being disrespectful or worse not learning anything. 
You have to speak LIFE into your children. You have to show them LOVE everyday. Tell them they are great EVERYDAY! Not "You gone be just like your no good daddy" or "You so stupid, dumb, lazy, etc". I get so tired of hearing that. THERE IS POWER IN WORDS!! THERE IS POWER IN WORDS!! THERE IS POWER IN WORDS!! You should always want your children to be the BEST they cant be. You should always want your children to be BETTER than you. You have to teach them that there is nothing they can not achieve with hard work and determination. YOU are supposed to be their role model. Not Lil Wayne, Beyonce', Kim Kardashian, or LeBron James. Your children are supposed to say, "I want to be just like my Mom when I grow up" or "My Dad is the Greatest Man I know". People We Need To Step It Up.