It's Like Candii: What 2015 Taught Me

It's Like Candii: What 2015 Taught Me: Okay, so apparently a whole 365 days has passed. I find it so hard to believe because I swear it seems the beginning of 2015 was JUST yester...

What 2015 Taught Me

Okay, so apparently a whole 365 days has passed. I find it so hard to believe because I swear it seems the beginning of 2015 was JUST yesterday. But alas, it's time for a new year. A new beginning. But before we get there, let's talk about the lessons of 2015.

1. Make YOU a priority. 
         Listen, I LIVE for taking care of others. It's ingrained in my DNA. I find immense satisfaction and pleasure in knowing those around me that I love are okay. And if I can aid in making that "okay" happen, all the better. But I realized more this year more so than ever, that doing for others is all fine, well, and good, but you HAVE to take care of you. When you become the person that gives and gives and gives, eventually you will deplete yourself. And unfortunately, people all too often are more than willing to take everything you have to offer and have no mind to give it back in return. So you have to take care of you. Don't over extend yourself for anyone that isn't willing to do the same for you. And please know it is more than okay to say, NO! Hurt feelings, ideas of entitlement, and "but you always do", be damned. YOU are what matters the most. 

2. Love people while they live. 
         Now we all know no one is going to live forever. We are all born to die. Just ideally, on the better side of the other side. But sadly, far too often, we are losing people, sometimes unexpectedly, and then we want think about how much they mean to us. NO. Love them while they are here. The people in your life should have no doubt about what they mean to you. It should be shown in your actions, thoughts, and words on a daily basis. Tell people you love them. Even better, SHOW THEM. There's an old song(I think it's a song), that says, "Give me my flowers while I live". Meaning show your appreciation while I can see and revel in it. Don't wait until people are gone to then think about what they mean to you because by then, it's too late. 2015 has unfortunately been a year of loss for many. RIP Aunt J, Mrs. Sandra, and Mr. Smith. We miss you. 

3.Appreciate the blessing in the unexpected. 
          February 9, 2015 is when I found out I was pregnant. It wasn't planned. It wasn't wanted right then. And I still wake up daily thinking it was all a dream. My baby, Elijah Shane, is now 14 weeks old, and though it hasn't been the easiest experience, I honestly wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. I thought I was ready for a baby. Having him greatly challenged that thought. Not because he's difficult but because I was wholly unprepared for what all being a mother entails. But with help from my Mother and those around me that love me, I am making it work. I thank God for trusting me with one of his children. I pray for HIS continued guidance as to not mess it up. 

Life has truly been a trial this year (but isn't it every year?), but as per my norm, I thank God for it. What's the point in living a life you don't learn from? I just hope and pray that the next 365 days are filled with light, lessons, and love. 

Be Blessed. 

Over It...

It's official....
I am completely over being pregnant. 
Now... Don't get me wrong... I recognize and acknowledge the miracle that pregnancy is.. I know there are those that relish in the experience. And those that would give anything to be able to have the experience. I take nothing away from them. 
But for me... I'm over it.
I'm over the exhaustion.
I'm over the limitations on my body. 
I'm over not being able to walk up a flight of stairs, take a shower, or get dressed without getting out of breath.
I'm over the appetite issues... Cravings and restrictions.
I'm over an the "advice".
I'm over all the predictions and restrictions already being placed on my unborn son.
I'm over not being able get comfortable enough to get a decent night's sleep. 
I'm over being hot all the time.
I'm thankful for the blessing that is my son. But I'm completely over the process of getting him here.

Confession

My brother asked me the other day is I had been putting headphones on my belly so that the baby could hear music? I just kinda shrugged and was like, not directly.

The truth of the matter is I haven't been doing any off the things I thought I would when I became pregnant. And it's not because I don't want to, its because I'm scared to. 

What am I scared of, you ask? I'm scared to get close to and connect with my child because I have a palpable fear that I may not get to raise him. Now I know there are risks in all pregnancies but that's not really where my concern comes from.. 

I honestly, more than anything feel like it's a lack of Faith. My best friend died two years ago less than a month before her baby was to be born. She had had no complications. And had even been to the doctor the week before and everything was fine. Almost overnight, she developed gestational diabetes. And it was so extreme and not treated quickly enough, so both her and the baby died. 

I know... It happens. We are not in control. God is. And when He calls you, it's time. Thing is, Shani was one of the best people in this world. She loved with no abandon and was truly a blessing to everyone that knew her. And more than anything, she wanted to be a mother. She went through a lot trying to become a mother. So when it finally happened, we were all ecstatic. 

She wanted it. She planned for it. She went through hell to get it. And she died because of it. That is a pain I don't think will ever go away. 

So why, when someone that wanted something so bad and DESERVED IT didn't get to experience it, should I? Why should I get my happy when she didn't?

I didn't plan this baby. Especially considering the environment I'm currently in.. My ideal has always been to be in love and married (or at least committed) and settled before any kids came about. And that certainly is not my current life.

I'm terrified of making a connection with my child and then losing him. It makes me hesitant to talk to him, to think of a future with him. Hell, I'm almost 8 months pregnant and still undecided on a name. I haven't bought one thing either. 

And that's the other thing.. Shani and I always talked about raising our children together. We shopped for baby/kid stuff when the thought of having a kid was a distant thought. We talked about names, and parenting practices and how if anything ever happened to one of us, the other would raise our kid. 

A more than ten year friendship where we shared everything and I don't get to share this with her. Its impossible for me to go in a store and pick up something baby related and not be sad I can't ask her opinion on it. It's been Hell not being able to call her and share the pains and gains of my pregnancy like she did with me. 

Every milestone of my life since I was 17, she has been a part of.  I don't know how to do this without her. And there is such a big part of me that feels like I don't deserve it. 

10 Days of Thanksgiving

A few years ago I did this thing on my Facebook and Twitter pages where in the 10 days before Thanksgiving, I listed something I was thankful for each day. I decided to do that again this year. I think so often we get so caught up in life and forget that each and every day and everything we encounter is a blessing. 
I decided to switch it up a bit so these ten things may not be the usual ones that you would typically see someone being thankful for. But each of these things makes my life that much bearable.

I'm Thankful... 
10. I'm thankful for "Love". Whether from family, friends, or a significant other. Love is something we all need and give. It is one of the most universally valuable things in the world.

‪ 9. I'm thankful for "Heartache". While it is not something I would purposefully wish on anyone, I can't help but be appreciative for the experience of heartache. It teaches you so many things... Forgiveness, Crying cleanses the soul, and that Ice Cream heals all wounds. Heartache also teaches you to follow your gut. Most of all, heartache teaches you that you are a lot stronger than you think. And that you can overcome anything.

‪ 8. I'm thankful for "Laughter". There is nothing that lifts a heavy heart spirit like a good belly laugh. Even better if it brings tears. No matter what's going on in your life, laughter makes it better. The ability to laugh reminds you that you can overcome.

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 7. I'm thankful for "Books". Listen... I've been a reader for as long as I can remember. Folks talked about me saying if I couldn't be found, it was a guarantee I was lost in a book. And it's true. Books have always been both my escape and a solace. I can honestly say my love of reading has made my life better. I have so much appreciation for my Mom, who always encouraged me to be a reader and my Aunt Juanita who made it her business to keep us supplied in books( I mean she was a librarian).

Make it your business to encourage a love of reading in your kids. I promise it will benefit their lives in so many ways.

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6: I'm thankful for "Beds". Today has been an exhaustively lonnnnnnnnnnnnnngg day. My legs, feet, neck, and back hurt. And when I got off work, the first thing I did was lay across the bed. It's kinda like getting a good hug from someone you really love. Only on some days, like today... better.

Sadly, everyone doesn't have the luxury of being able to lay cross the bed. But I'm really, Really, REALLY Thankful that I can.

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 5: I'm thankful for my "Twitter Fam". I say often if you don't have a good time on Twitter, you're doing it wrong. My luvs keep me laughing, keep me in trouble, keep me in their prayers, and I have no doubt I'm in their hearts as well. So thankful for @NickaS7 @Melodic98 @KeBrittain @SimplyShanWalk @gunhawk18 @Lay1269 @DGraham39 @silowet2006 @NatashaMonique_ @blackhonee @Doestaxxx @CeFranklee @Mon_235 @VirgoNeyez @itsbenzybabii @amanagainstmany @SoloSunni (and Nugget) @daddykn0wsbest @LBrothersMedia @ReidStreetSmart @JamiBeth30 @taball1 @ChunkyChikChasr

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 4: I've tried all evening to come up with something.. My heart is so heavy tonight.. So I think I'll say this.. I'm thankful for "Black Men".. I LOVE Black Men. From Cafe Au Lait to the darkest of chocolates. Their strength, their perseverance, their swag. It simply can't be matched. They are undervalued and under appreciated by so many.. but not me. I appreciate you Black Man. I love you Black Man. I need you Black Man. Stay Strong Black Man. I got your back.

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 3: I'm thankful for "Music". Music is so awesome. It is a part of every aspect of our lives. Whether sad or happy, about love or about pain, Music is everywhere. The right lyrics to a song can have you shouting in praise, two-stepping to the beat or deep down in the delta in your feelings. Music is universal and makes the world go round.

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 2: I'm thankful for "Chocolate". Listen... Whoever sat up and decided to mix up the ingredients to make chocolate needs a award. Chocolate cures what ails you and improves your mood instantly. Chocolate makes the world a better place.
(This post was preceded by the consumption of a very delicious piece of Chocolate Snickers Dream Cake)

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 1: I'm thankful for "Family". Some drive us crazy. Others keep us sane. They are so much apart of the people that we become. Family is supportive. Family is honest. Family is love. Make sure you let yours know that you love and appreciate them.

These are just a few of things that make my life worth living. Some days aren't good. But on those days, just think of one of those things that we all take for granted but that we would really miss if we didn't have. And say, Thank You. 

.................

I cried real tears today. I, like, most people sat in front of my television at 8:00 pm, waiting to hear what I already knew in my heart. Yet, I was still trying to hold on to a glimmer of hope. A small, almost indiscernible glimmer, but there nonetheless. I was watching my Twitter feed and Facebook posts and so many were posting that they too felt the same way. I think, if we're completely honest, everyone in America (and beyond) knew that Darren Wilson would not be indicted for the unnecessary, unprovoked murder of Micheal Brown. 

No, I wasn't there. No, I don't know if Micheal did attack Wilson in his car. No, I don't know if Micheal tried to go for Wilson' gun. I also don't know if Wilson shot Micheal in the back as he was running away, continued to shoot at him as he raised his hands in surrender or stood over him as he lay bleeding in the street.  I wasn't there. 

What I do know is he won't stand trial for it. I do know that the Ferguson officials and police department drew out an unnecessary, agonizing thing for 100 days that could have been decided days after it occurred. All that was wanted, all that has been asked from the beginning, was for Darren Wilson to have to stand trial. That's it. It's no doubt that it would have been a given had the tables been turned and Darren Wilson had been a Black cop killing a unarmed, white teenager. Let's be real. 

Please be clear. All that was asked was that Wilson have a trial. For him to have to be held accountable for what he did. Just like anyone else would have had to had they done what he did. But nope. In this America, it is more than okay to kill unarmed Black men and not have to worry about repercussions. Trayvon Martin. Chavis Carter. Ezell Ford, to name a few. And now Micheal Brown. People keep saying this is a racist thing. And while part of that is true, it's more about a right//wrong thing. 

My nephew, who is 4 years old, has a real tangible fear of the police. If he sees a police officer or those lights flashing, he gets scared and says something about the police "getting him" or at times, "killing us". He's FOUR! There is no reason in the world a child should be scared of those that are supposed to protect him. Except of course, we live in this America. This America where the life of a Black man is worth less than that of a dog. So damn sad.

It's a damn shame that at 4, my baby knows this fear. We try to tell him that he doesn't have to be scared of the police but I honestly think he sees the uncertainty of that statement in our eyes. Because he will say okay. But that doesn't stop the same conversation from repeating the next time we see a police officer. And sadly, in this America, it's an understandable fear. 

National HIV Testing Day

National HIV Testing Day