It's official....
I am completely over being pregnant.
Now... Don't get me wrong... I recognize and acknowledge the miracle that pregnancy is.. I know there are those that relish in the experience. And those that would give anything to be able to have the experience. I take nothing away from them.
But for me... I'm over it.
I'm over the exhaustion.
I'm over the limitations on my body.
I'm over not being able to walk up a flight of stairs, take a shower, or get dressed without getting out of breath.
I'm over the appetite issues... Cravings and restrictions.
I'm over an the "advice".
I'm over all the predictions and restrictions already being placed on my unborn son.
I'm over not being able get comfortable enough to get a decent night's sleep.
I'm over being hot all the time.
I'm thankful for the blessing that is my son. But I'm completely over the process of getting him here.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Monday, August 3, 2015
Confession
My brother asked me the other day is I had been putting headphones on my belly so that the baby could hear music? I just kinda shrugged and was like, not directly.
The truth of the matter is I haven't been doing any off the things I thought I would when I became pregnant. And it's not because I don't want to, its because I'm scared to.
What am I scared of, you ask? I'm scared to get close to and connect with my child because I have a palpable fear that I may not get to raise him. Now I know there are risks in all pregnancies but that's not really where my concern comes from..
I honestly, more than anything feel like it's a lack of Faith. My best friend died two years ago less than a month before her baby was to be born. She had had no complications. And had even been to the doctor the week before and everything was fine. Almost overnight, she developed gestational diabetes. And it was so extreme and not treated quickly enough, so both her and the baby died.
I know... It happens. We are not in control. God is. And when He calls you, it's time. Thing is, Shani was one of the best people in this world. She loved with no abandon and was truly a blessing to everyone that knew her. And more than anything, she wanted to be a mother. She went through a lot trying to become a mother. So when it finally happened, we were all ecstatic.
She wanted it. She planned for it. She went through hell to get it. And she died because of it. That is a pain I don't think will ever go away.
So why, when someone that wanted something so bad and DESERVED IT didn't get to experience it, should I? Why should I get my happy when she didn't?
I didn't plan this baby. Especially considering the environment I'm currently in.. My ideal has always been to be in love and married (or at least committed) and settled before any kids came about. And that certainly is not my current life.
I'm terrified of making a connection with my child and then losing him. It makes me hesitant to talk to him, to think of a future with him. Hell, I'm almost 8 months pregnant and still undecided on a name. I haven't bought one thing either.
And that's the other thing.. Shani and I always talked about raising our children together. We shopped for baby/kid stuff when the thought of having a kid was a distant thought. We talked about names, and parenting practices and how if anything ever happened to one of us, the other would raise our kid.
A more than ten year friendship where we shared everything and I don't get to share this with her. Its impossible for me to go in a store and pick up something baby related and not be sad I can't ask her opinion on it. It's been Hell not being able to call her and share the pains and gains of my pregnancy like she did with me.
Every milestone of my life since I was 17, she has been a part of. I don't know how to do this without her. And there is such a big part of me that feels like I don't deserve it.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
10 Days of Thanksgiving
A few years ago I did this thing on my Facebook and Twitter pages where in the 10 days before Thanksgiving, I listed something I was thankful for each day. I decided to do that again this year. I think so often we get so caught up in life and forget that each and every day and everything we encounter is a blessing.
I decided to switch it up a bit so these ten things may not be the usual ones that you would typically see someone being thankful for. But each of these things makes my life that much bearable.
I'm Thankful...
10. I'm thankful for "Love". Whether from family, friends, or a significant other. Love is something we all need and give. It is one of the most universally valuable things in the world.
9. I'm thankful for "Heartache". While it is not something I would purposefully wish on anyone, I can't help but be appreciative for the experience of heartache. It teaches you so many things... Forgiveness, Crying cleanses the soul, and that Ice Cream heals all wounds. Heartache also teaches you to follow your gut. Most of all, heartache teaches you that you are a lot stronger than you think. And that you can overcome anything.
8. I'm thankful for "Laughter". There is nothing that lifts a heavy heart spirit like a good belly laugh. Even better if it brings tears. No matter what's going on in your life, laughter makes it better. The ability to laugh reminds you that you can overcome.
I decided to switch it up a bit so these ten things may not be the usual ones that you would typically see someone being thankful for. But each of these things makes my life that much bearable.
I'm Thankful...
10. I'm thankful for "Love". Whether from family, friends, or a significant other. Love is something we all need and give. It is one of the most universally valuable things in the world.
9. I'm thankful for "Heartache". While it is not something I would purposefully wish on anyone, I can't help but be appreciative for the experience of heartache. It teaches you so many things... Forgiveness, Crying cleanses the soul, and that Ice Cream heals all wounds. Heartache also teaches you to follow your gut. Most of all, heartache teaches you that you are a lot stronger than you think. And that you can overcome anything.
8. I'm thankful for "Laughter". There is nothing that lifts a heavy heart spirit like a good belly laugh. Even better if it brings tears. No matter what's going on in your life, laughter makes it better. The ability to laugh reminds you that you can overcome.
7. I'm thankful for "Books". Listen... I've been a reader for as long as I can remember. Folks talked about me saying if I couldn't be found, it was a guarantee I was lost in a book. And it's true. Books have always been both my escape and a solace. I can honestly say my love of reading has made my life better. I have so much appreciation for my Mom, who always encouraged me to be a reader and my Aunt Juanita who made it her business to keep us supplied in books( I mean she was a librarian).
Make it your business to encourage a love of reading in your kids. I promise it will benefit their lives in so many ways.
6: I'm thankful for "Beds". Today has been an exhaustively lonnnnnnnnnnnnnngg day. My legs, feet, neck, and back hurt. And when I got off work, the first thing I did was lay across the bed. It's kinda like getting a good hug from someone you really love. Only on some days, like today... better.
Sadly, everyone doesn't have the luxury of being able to lay cross the bed. But I'm really, Really, REALLY Thankful that I can.
5: I'm thankful for my "Twitter Fam". I say often if you don't have a good time on Twitter, you're doing it wrong. My luvs keep me laughing, keep me in trouble, keep me in their prayers, and I have no doubt I'm in their hearts as well. So thankful for @NickaS7 @Melodic98 @KeBrittain @SimplyShanWalk @gunhawk18 @Lay1269 @DGraham39 @silowet2006 @NatashaMonique_ @blackhonee @Doestaxxx @CeFranklee @Mon_235 @VirgoNeyez @itsbenzybabii @amanagainstmany @SoloSunni (and Nugget) @daddykn0wsbest @LBrothersMedia @ReidStreetSmart @JamiBeth30 @taball1 @ChunkyChikChasr
4: I've tried all evening to come up with something.. My heart is so heavy tonight.. So I think I'll say this.. I'm thankful for "Black Men".. I LOVE Black Men. From Cafe Au Lait to the darkest of chocolates. Their strength, their perseverance, their swag. It simply can't be matched. They are undervalued and under appreciated by so many.. but not me. I appreciate you Black Man. I love you Black Man. I need you Black Man. Stay Strong Black Man. I got your back.
3: I'm thankful for "Music". Music is so awesome. It is a part of every aspect of our lives. Whether sad or happy, about love or about pain, Music is everywhere. The right lyrics to a song can have you shouting in praise, two-stepping to the beat or deep down in the delta in your feelings. Music is universal and makes the world go round.
2: I'm thankful for "Chocolate". Listen... Whoever sat up and decided to mix up the ingredients to make chocolate needs a award. Chocolate cures what ails you and improves your mood instantly. Chocolate makes the world a better place.
(This post was preceded by the consumption of a very delicious piece of Chocolate Snickers Dream Cake)
(This post was preceded by the consumption of a very delicious piece of Chocolate Snickers Dream Cake)
1: I'm thankful for "Family". Some drive us crazy. Others keep us sane. They are so much apart of the people that we become. Family is supportive. Family is honest. Family is love. Make sure you let yours know that you love and appreciate them.
These are just a few of things that make my life worth living. Some days aren't good. But on those days, just think of one of those things that we all take for granted but that we would really miss if we didn't have. And say, Thank You.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
.................
I cried real tears today. I, like, most people sat in front of my television at 8:00 pm, waiting to hear what I already knew in my heart. Yet, I was still trying to hold on to a glimmer of hope. A small, almost indiscernible glimmer, but there nonetheless. I was watching my Twitter feed and Facebook posts and so many were posting that they too felt the same way. I think, if we're completely honest, everyone in America (and beyond) knew that Darren Wilson would not be indicted for the unnecessary, unprovoked murder of Micheal Brown.
No, I wasn't there. No, I don't know if Micheal did attack Wilson in his car. No, I don't know if Micheal tried to go for Wilson' gun. I also don't know if Wilson shot Micheal in the back as he was running away, continued to shoot at him as he raised his hands in surrender or stood over him as he lay bleeding in the street. I wasn't there.
What I do know is he won't stand trial for it. I do know that the Ferguson officials and police department drew out an unnecessary, agonizing thing for 100 days that could have been decided days after it occurred. All that was wanted, all that has been asked from the beginning, was for Darren Wilson to have to stand trial. That's it. It's no doubt that it would have been a given had the tables been turned and Darren Wilson had been a Black cop killing a unarmed, white teenager. Let's be real.
Please be clear. All that was asked was that Wilson have a trial. For him to have to be held accountable for what he did. Just like anyone else would have had to had they done what he did. But nope. In this America, it is more than okay to kill unarmed Black men and not have to worry about repercussions. Trayvon Martin. Chavis Carter. Ezell Ford, to name a few. And now Micheal Brown. People keep saying this is a racist thing. And while part of that is true, it's more about a right//wrong thing.
My nephew, who is 4 years old, has a real tangible fear of the police. If he sees a police officer or those lights flashing, he gets scared and says something about the police "getting him" or at times, "killing us". He's FOUR! There is no reason in the world a child should be scared of those that are supposed to protect him. Except of course, we live in this America. This America where the life of a Black man is worth less than that of a dog. So damn sad.
It's a damn shame that at 4, my baby knows this fear. We try to tell him that he doesn't have to be scared of the police but I honestly think he sees the uncertainty of that statement in our eyes. Because he will say okay. But that doesn't stop the same conversation from repeating the next time we see a police officer. And sadly, in this America, it's an understandable fear.
No, I wasn't there. No, I don't know if Micheal did attack Wilson in his car. No, I don't know if Micheal tried to go for Wilson' gun. I also don't know if Wilson shot Micheal in the back as he was running away, continued to shoot at him as he raised his hands in surrender or stood over him as he lay bleeding in the street. I wasn't there.
What I do know is he won't stand trial for it. I do know that the Ferguson officials and police department drew out an unnecessary, agonizing thing for 100 days that could have been decided days after it occurred. All that was wanted, all that has been asked from the beginning, was for Darren Wilson to have to stand trial. That's it. It's no doubt that it would have been a given had the tables been turned and Darren Wilson had been a Black cop killing a unarmed, white teenager. Let's be real.
Please be clear. All that was asked was that Wilson have a trial. For him to have to be held accountable for what he did. Just like anyone else would have had to had they done what he did. But nope. In this America, it is more than okay to kill unarmed Black men and not have to worry about repercussions. Trayvon Martin. Chavis Carter. Ezell Ford, to name a few. And now Micheal Brown. People keep saying this is a racist thing. And while part of that is true, it's more about a right//wrong thing.
My nephew, who is 4 years old, has a real tangible fear of the police. If he sees a police officer or those lights flashing, he gets scared and says something about the police "getting him" or at times, "killing us". He's FOUR! There is no reason in the world a child should be scared of those that are supposed to protect him. Except of course, we live in this America. This America where the life of a Black man is worth less than that of a dog. So damn sad.
It's a damn shame that at 4, my baby knows this fear. We try to tell him that he doesn't have to be scared of the police but I honestly think he sees the uncertainty of that statement in our eyes. Because he will say okay. But that doesn't stop the same conversation from repeating the next time we see a police officer. And sadly, in this America, it's an understandable fear.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Sunday, June 8, 2014
My Mother's Daughter
My brothers and I have an ongoing joke where we pass our Mother off on one another. We'll say, "That's YOUR Mother". It's mainly when she has done or said something off the wall. Which happens pretty regularly. So she tends to get passed around a lot. LOL.
As I've gotten older, I realize more and more that my Mom and I have a lot more in common than I would have ever believed. I definitely get more than my good looks and great hair from her. As kid and teenager there was no way in the world I would have ever believed my Mom understood anything about how I was feeling or what I was going through.
I mean how could she? She was Mom. And it was a different time and things were done differently now, and blah, blah, blah. It's funny how often that is said. And we're always so wrong. True, the drama kids face today may have a different look but it's still the same drama. It's the same things I went through, and my Mom before, and her Mom before her. So I'm grateful that when my Mom said I would be okay and I would get through it, she wasn't just trying to make me feel better. She knew what she was talking about.
I've learned that in so many ways my Mom and I have lived the same life. We both are readers and revel in our solitude. Both have funny appetites that call for everything at one point and nothing at all, the next. We both were "Guys Girls", meaning we hung with the fellas more so than the girls. We both love our solitude and sleep. We firmly believe in sleeping.
My build is all my Mom. My slightly bowed legs (no slightly to hers though, she's full on), my milk chocolate soft skin, and my great hair... All her. I get my love of life from her. My ability to forgive and let go as well as my ability to take people at their best and not dwell on the worst because in the end we all have our bad moments . All her. We love deep. And when we love, we love for real. We've both had heartache. We've both felt like outcasts and that no understood us.
And as I've recently learned, we've both been irreparably hurt by someone that we never would have thought would hurt us. And when we confessed the hurt, no one believed us.
That is the one thing I wish we didn't share. That is the one thing I wish neither of us had to experience.
Some things we go through, they are like a mosquito bite. Annoying but pay it no mind and it's not lasting. You feel in that moment and for a little while after but it goes away. Other things are like a cut. It hurts. You feel it deep, It takes longer to go away and even when it does the scar is still there to remind you of it. We have the same scars.
I think as children, one of our greatest fallacies is that we tend to forget that our parents aren't perfect... That they've made mistakes and bad decisions and gone through some things just like us. But as parents they consider it their duty to shield us from those things. And it's not an act of deception but of protection.
Parents Protect. It's what they do. It's what they were made for. Sometimes we can feel like that protection is too much (and sometimes it is), but they do the best they can. And as children we need to be more appreciative of that. They won't always be right. But their as right as the can be with the experiences that they've had. I appreciate my Mom and her experiences.
She's the reason I'm so GREAT! ;-)
As I've gotten older, I realize more and more that my Mom and I have a lot more in common than I would have ever believed. I definitely get more than my good looks and great hair from her. As kid and teenager there was no way in the world I would have ever believed my Mom understood anything about how I was feeling or what I was going through.
I mean how could she? She was Mom. And it was a different time and things were done differently now, and blah, blah, blah. It's funny how often that is said. And we're always so wrong. True, the drama kids face today may have a different look but it's still the same drama. It's the same things I went through, and my Mom before, and her Mom before her. So I'm grateful that when my Mom said I would be okay and I would get through it, she wasn't just trying to make me feel better. She knew what she was talking about.
I've learned that in so many ways my Mom and I have lived the same life. We both are readers and revel in our solitude. Both have funny appetites that call for everything at one point and nothing at all, the next. We both were "Guys Girls", meaning we hung with the fellas more so than the girls. We both love our solitude and sleep. We firmly believe in sleeping.
My build is all my Mom. My slightly bowed legs (no slightly to hers though, she's full on), my milk chocolate soft skin, and my great hair... All her. I get my love of life from her. My ability to forgive and let go as well as my ability to take people at their best and not dwell on the worst because in the end we all have our bad moments . All her. We love deep. And when we love, we love for real. We've both had heartache. We've both felt like outcasts and that no understood us.
And as I've recently learned, we've both been irreparably hurt by someone that we never would have thought would hurt us. And when we confessed the hurt, no one believed us.
That is the one thing I wish we didn't share. That is the one thing I wish neither of us had to experience.
Some things we go through, they are like a mosquito bite. Annoying but pay it no mind and it's not lasting. You feel in that moment and for a little while after but it goes away. Other things are like a cut. It hurts. You feel it deep, It takes longer to go away and even when it does the scar is still there to remind you of it. We have the same scars.
I think as children, one of our greatest fallacies is that we tend to forget that our parents aren't perfect... That they've made mistakes and bad decisions and gone through some things just like us. But as parents they consider it their duty to shield us from those things. And it's not an act of deception but of protection.
Parents Protect. It's what they do. It's what they were made for. Sometimes we can feel like that protection is too much (and sometimes it is), but they do the best they can. And as children we need to be more appreciative of that. They won't always be right. But their as right as the can be with the experiences that they've had. I appreciate my Mom and her experiences.
She's the reason I'm so GREAT! ;-)
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
What 2013 Taught Me...
I sit here typing this yet still can't believe it is the end of the year. Like.. literally, today is the last day. Where did the year go??? It seems like just weeks ago I was doing my "What 2012 Taught Me" blog, and here I am doing another one. Time sure seems to be moving faster than it has in the past.. Or is that just me?
I must say 2013 started okay then kinda went downhill from there. It really wasn't a great year for me. Now that's not to say I'm not appreciative of everything or for the mere fact that I'm still here.. but, it was rough. I saw someone say online today that they couldn't understand why people were saying they had bad year seeing as how they were still alive and many others weren't. I feel like being appreciative of life is about much more than being alive.
Some days you can't appreciate the struggle. Some days you don't know how you are gonna go on... or even if you want to. Some days you feel like you just can't take it anymore. Those are rough days... and that's putting it mildly. I've had quite a few rough days this year.. I've shed more tears.. I've had more sad moments than I have in a while. I've had more "Why is nothing in my life going right" panics and all that. Yeah... rough.
But I'd be remiss if I didn't also say, I've laughed. I've met some great people. I've been lucky to receive more love than ever before. And I've learned. I'm always grateful for lessons. I may not be grateful in the moment but it's always there. Lessons mean you have the chance to get it right the second time. Everyone doesn't always get a second chance. Tomorrow is not promised.
So on to it. What 2013 Taught Me...
Life does not happen on your time: My nephew turned 3 this year and at the top of the list of things to concerning him was to get him to go to the bathroom. He's such a intelligent child. Picks up things quickly and has an vocabulary beyond his 3 years, but going to the bathroom was not on his list of things to do... much to our frustration. We had tried it all to no avail, then one day, he just decides to start going to the bathroom... on his own. You see, no matter how much we wanted him to do it, it wasn't gonna happen until he was good and ready. He wasn't on our time.
You have got to live life: So often we sit around and wait... and wait... and wait.. For what? The right time? When things are ideal or "perfect". The biggest lesson for me this year is that life happens whether you are prepared for it or not. Life is good things, bad things, happy things, sad things. Many of which you will never be prepared for. I wasn't prepared for the cancer scare I had this year, my best friend and her baby dying from pregnancy complications, or my grandmother passing away, even though she was almost 90. I wasn't prepared for the turmoil my love life became or the constant panic I was in when another friend started having pregnancy complications. She had a Beautiful baby girl this month, both are good and healthy. But those things happened and I had to find a way to deal with it. Some days I didn't think I could. But God... (my Saints will know what that means, lol).
Be Fearless: We miss out on so much because we are sitting back scared of what "MIGHT'' happen. Sometimes we concentrate on the possibly "bad" happenings much that we forget about the fact that there is also the chance of a "good" happening. Either way can be beneficial because you can get what you want, and be appreciative. Or you can not get it and learn a lesson... and be appreciative. All things give you learning potential. Be appreciative.
My lessons this year center around being thankful for life and living it to it's fullest potential. Every day won't be good. You won't feel like being thankful all the time. But you have to remember that, you get to live. You get to get up and do it again, do it better, be a lesson to someone else. Be thankful for that. Everyone doesn't get that same chance.
Happy New Year. Be Thankful for Life. Live it to the fullest.. EVERYDAY. It is truly one of God's greatest blessings.
I must say 2013 started okay then kinda went downhill from there. It really wasn't a great year for me. Now that's not to say I'm not appreciative of everything or for the mere fact that I'm still here.. but, it was rough. I saw someone say online today that they couldn't understand why people were saying they had bad year seeing as how they were still alive and many others weren't. I feel like being appreciative of life is about much more than being alive.
Some days you can't appreciate the struggle. Some days you don't know how you are gonna go on... or even if you want to. Some days you feel like you just can't take it anymore. Those are rough days... and that's putting it mildly. I've had quite a few rough days this year.. I've shed more tears.. I've had more sad moments than I have in a while. I've had more "Why is nothing in my life going right" panics and all that. Yeah... rough.
But I'd be remiss if I didn't also say, I've laughed. I've met some great people. I've been lucky to receive more love than ever before. And I've learned. I'm always grateful for lessons. I may not be grateful in the moment but it's always there. Lessons mean you have the chance to get it right the second time. Everyone doesn't always get a second chance. Tomorrow is not promised.
So on to it. What 2013 Taught Me...
Life does not happen on your time: My nephew turned 3 this year and at the top of the list of things to concerning him was to get him to go to the bathroom. He's such a intelligent child. Picks up things quickly and has an vocabulary beyond his 3 years, but going to the bathroom was not on his list of things to do... much to our frustration. We had tried it all to no avail, then one day, he just decides to start going to the bathroom... on his own. You see, no matter how much we wanted him to do it, it wasn't gonna happen until he was good and ready. He wasn't on our time.
You have got to live life: So often we sit around and wait... and wait... and wait.. For what? The right time? When things are ideal or "perfect". The biggest lesson for me this year is that life happens whether you are prepared for it or not. Life is good things, bad things, happy things, sad things. Many of which you will never be prepared for. I wasn't prepared for the cancer scare I had this year, my best friend and her baby dying from pregnancy complications, or my grandmother passing away, even though she was almost 90. I wasn't prepared for the turmoil my love life became or the constant panic I was in when another friend started having pregnancy complications. She had a Beautiful baby girl this month, both are good and healthy. But those things happened and I had to find a way to deal with it. Some days I didn't think I could. But God... (my Saints will know what that means, lol).
Be Fearless: We miss out on so much because we are sitting back scared of what "MIGHT'' happen. Sometimes we concentrate on the possibly "bad" happenings much that we forget about the fact that there is also the chance of a "good" happening. Either way can be beneficial because you can get what you want, and be appreciative. Or you can not get it and learn a lesson... and be appreciative. All things give you learning potential. Be appreciative.
My lessons this year center around being thankful for life and living it to it's fullest potential. Every day won't be good. You won't feel like being thankful all the time. But you have to remember that, you get to live. You get to get up and do it again, do it better, be a lesson to someone else. Be thankful for that. Everyone doesn't get that same chance.
Happy New Year. Be Thankful for Life. Live it to the fullest.. EVERYDAY. It is truly one of God's greatest blessings.
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